As you may or may not be aware, the difference between getting a tattoo and, say, drawing a dick on your arm with a Sharpie is all about depth. So you need something that can penetrate skin without destroying it utterly, and that's how professional tattoo removal works. But Hardy was left with a wound that looked like she was growing a tiny terrarium for scabs ... and the fucking tattoo was still there. Go to a professional, people.

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One woman went to a "poke me in the face till I swell like a grapefruit" gathering and got so badly messed up that surgeons said she could have lost her lips, nose, and vision if she hadn't gone to the hospital. Of course, the Tupperware Party setup is rarely used for facial augmentation, so that may seem like an isolated incident ... except a quick Google search proves that the first half of this sentence is a lie. Watch at your own risk:

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The kit included a tiny dummy dong so you could practice lopping that little sucker off, and presumably a pamphlet that explained when to stop cutting. Under some intense public scrutiny, Amazon stopped selling this, but if you look around a bit, you can still find them. They just claim to be out of stock. The one I found has 56 reviews, nearly every single one a joke, though there was at least one criticizing the joke ones for being examples of moral bankruptcy. So that's fun.

Interestingly (and I use that word loosely and tentatively), there's also a device on the market called Prepex, which is meant for simple, easy circumcisions. Finally, hassle-free jimmy trims! If you've never heard of this, it's likely because it's marketed heavily in countries like Rwanda, where there's a pervasive belief that being circumcised can help prevent HIV. Did you guess that it's gonna start to get weird now? Because it's gonna start to get weird now.

I watched an entire video demonstration of the Prepex from start to finish -- I'm not linking it here -- and when I say that it was a demonstration, I really mean it. I stared at a strange man's dick while some gloved hands wiped it down, then fitted what looked like plastic plumbing over the top of it. The ghostly hands jammed another ring inside the foreskin, then lifted the fitting until things were snugly clamped together, forcing some kind of little band around it in a way that immediately cut off the circulation. Then a week passed. Then the foreskin fell the fuck off because it was purple and dead! Like a goddamn zombie's limp, floppy arm!

As terrifying as Prepex sounds, if it's done properly, it actually works. Problem is, despite the site clearly stating in many places that it needs to be done by a professional, it's not being done by professionals. Dicks are falling off or getting tetanus left and right because people are using this thing with no clue about how to do it properly. A safer thing is to not cut your dick up, at home or in a field or in a shed at all, but I feel like if you're dead set on performing a self-service circumcision, you won't listen to me anyway.

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People tend to get super litigious about falling to their near dooms in homemade elevators, too. They're all like, "You put me in a box suspended above the ground and then dropped it in a way that nearly turned me into loose meat sandwich filling." Imagine that? You go through all the trouble of making sure that your friend never has to use the stairs again, and then they have THE GALL to complain about it just because it almost killed them.

Of course, there is a serious side to homemade elevator bumblefuckery. One woman died when someone thought they could make an elevator by affixing some wood and metal to a forklift. I couldn't find a good picture of the contraption, so I don't know exactly how it worked. And apparently neither did this poor lady, who got crushed underneath it. Or the guy who built it, who pointed out, after it crushed his friend to death, that it was "solidly built," but still needed to be "more foolproof." Hey, I have a suggestion: Maybe don't use a forklift parked outside your house as an elevator. I apologize if I'm the one who's out of line here.

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