3

DIY Circumcision Is A Thing

How many people do you think are skilled enough to cut off some dick skin? Whether you have a dick, have dealt with dicks, or have only seen them on TV, you know those pesky things are pretty knife-shy at the best of times. But some people want it done (to themselves or others) for whatever reason, so there's definitely a market for it. And for a time, Amazon was actually selling circumcision kits for anyone who'd ever thought, "I can probably remove a foreskin, can't I?"

The kit included a tiny dummy dong so you could practice lopping that little sucker off, and presumably a pamphlet that explained when to stop cutting. Under some intense public scrutiny, Amazon stopped selling this, but if you look around a bit, you can still find them. They just claim to be out of stock. The one I found has 56 reviews, nearly every single one a joke, though there was at least one criticizing the joke ones for being examples of moral bankruptcy. So that's fun.

2

Homemade Fireworks Sound Terrible And Are Terrible

I don't think I've ever told anyone out loud that they shouldn't use homemade fireworks, much in the same way I've never told anyone to not tongue-kiss a table saw. Some things seem obvious. But then you read a news story about the guy who injured himself with homemade fireworks. Or another guy who did the same thing. Or several guys who also did that same thing. Or the guy who just blew up his own business. So maybe it's not so obvious. And if it's not so obvious, then maybe I'm some sort of genius. Yes, I like this conclusion.

Now, maybe you're thinking, "Ian, I like blowing shit up, and fuck you for trying to deny me my right as stated by Jesus in the Book of Explosions!" Well, listen, there's no disputing how awesome explosions are. Ask Sir Michael Bay. But I will submit that you should only explode what you know how to explode. You need a background in explodery before you go blowing things up. Surely we can all agree on that. And yet, look what the internet has wrought.

That's a literal firework kit you can buy to mix your own fireworks. So even if you know nothing about chemistry or explosives, you can make your own fireworks in your garage or your driveway or your kitchen. So that's a win for freedom, but a loss for, well, probably most of your fingers. And if reading isn't your thing, you can just look on YouTube, which is the library of knowledge that no one needs to have.

1

Home Improvement Projects Must Be Chosen Carefully, Or People Die

The whole fun of owning your own home is that you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Paint a mural of dicks in your kitchen? Brick over your closet because you found a spider in there? You're only limited by your imagination! Well, that and your skill, and your willingness to put the safety of yourself and your loved ones at risk.

For example, nothing prevents one from installing their own elevator. Think of the time it will save! But then you hear about a guy in Kansas who made his own elevator to get to the second story of what appears to be the aluminum warehouse he lived in. When he held the button too long, the cables snapped, bypassing the first floor and sending him to the hospital instead. This, incredibly, was not an isolated incident. Another man in Oklahoma was injured so badly in his DIY elevator that he had to be airlifted to a hospital.

People tend to get super litigious about falling to their near dooms in homemade elevators, too. They're all like, "You put me in a box suspended above the ground and then dropped it in a way that nearly turned me into loose meat sandwich filling." Imagine that? You go through all the trouble of making sure that your friend never has to use the stairs again, and then they have THE GALL to complain about it just because it almost killed them.

Of course, there is a serious side to homemade elevator bumblefuckery. One woman died when someone thought they could make an elevator by affixing some wood and metal to a forklift. I couldn't find a good picture of the contraption, so I don't know exactly how it worked. And apparently neither did this poor lady, who got crushed underneath it. Or the guy who built it, who pointed out, after it crushed his friend to death, that it was "solidly built," but still needed to be "more foolproof." Hey, I have a suggestion: Maybe don't use a forklift parked outside your house as an elevator. I apologize if I'm the one who's out of line here.

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