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Home Tattoo Removal Is Even Worse Than It Sounds

I have several tattoos, and even had one covered up when I realized it looked less like a totally awesome piece of badass art and more like a totally ass piece of bad art. If that cover-up hadn't worked, I could have gone with the removal option, and I'm 65 percent confident I would have paid someone to do it for me. Because even though it can cost a few hundred dollars, it's way safer than making a chemical cocktail for your skin at home ... which is what too many people are doing these days.

Want proof that letting a wolf gnaw off your flesh is probably safer than DIY tattoo removal? Look at what Jess Hardy did when she wanted to get rid of her ex-boyfriend's name. There are various tattoo-away creams you can buy online, and the stuff Hardy bought contained something called TCA (trichloracetic acid), which doesn't have "acid" in its name for no reason. It's readily available on Amazon and is generally considered kind of awful. She put this stuff on her arm and it proceeded to burn the hell out of it, alien-blood style:

BBC

4

Home Lip Injections Can Take A Gruesome Wrong Turn

In the world of high fashion, the sexiest thing a person can do is turn their lips into engorged face slugs, plump to bursting with juicy, swollen redness. But of course, not all of us were born with full, somewhat terrifying lips, so what's the alternative? You can go see someone who will inject a host of chemicals into your craw to make it less skeletal and more of a 4D madhouse of lusciousness, but that sounds like a big hassle. Why not do it yourself?

There are various products like Sculptra, an injectable cosmetic filler, that can be bought online and plugged into your mug with minimal skill or effort. And how hard can it be to inject chemicals into your own face? There are plenty of people on YouTube showing you how to do it. This isn't new, either. They sold Botox online with no prescription necessary, because how could filling the cavities in your face with botulism ever turn out badly?

Unsurprisingly, it's been pointed out that at-home filler kits run the risk of disfigurement, infection, blindness, and potentially even death. Because what are you doing? Why are you putting a needle of a chemical you bought on the internet into your face? Have you never been on the internet before? Look at everything here, why would you want any of this inside you?

3

DIY Circumcision Is A Thing

How many people do you think are skilled enough to cut off some dick skin? Whether you have a dick, have dealt with dicks, or have only seen them on TV, you know those pesky things are pretty knife-shy at the best of times. But some people want it done (to themselves or others) for whatever reason, so there's definitely a market for it. And for a time, Amazon was actually selling circumcision kits for anyone who'd ever thought, "I can probably remove a foreskin, can't I?"

2

Homemade Fireworks Sound Terrible And Are Terrible

I don't think I've ever told anyone out loud that they shouldn't use homemade fireworks, much in the same way I've never told anyone to not tongue-kiss a table saw. Some things seem obvious. But then you read a news story about the guy who injured himself with homemade fireworks. Or another guy who did the same thing. Or several guys who also did that same thing. Or the guy who just blew up his own business. So maybe it's not so obvious. And if it's not so obvious, then maybe I'm some sort of genius. Yes, I like this conclusion.

Now, maybe you're thinking, "Ian, I like blowing shit up, and fuck you for trying to deny me my right as stated by Jesus in the Book of Explosions!" Well, listen, there's no disputing how awesome explosions are. Ask Sir Michael Bay. But I will submit that you should only explode what you know how to explode. You need a background in explodery before you go blowing things up. Surely we can all agree on that. And yet, look what the internet has wrought.

That's a literal firework kit you can buy to mix your own fireworks. So even if you know nothing about chemistry or explosives, you can make your own fireworks in your garage or your driveway or your kitchen. So that's a win for freedom, but a loss for, well, probably most of your fingers. And if reading isn't your thing, you can just look on YouTube, which is the library of knowledge that no one needs to have.

1

Home Improvement Projects Must Be Chosen Carefully, Or People Die

The whole fun of owning your own home is that you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Paint a mural of dicks in your kitchen? Brick over your closet because you found a spider in there? You're only limited by your imagination! Well, that and your skill, and your willingness to put the safety of yourself and your loved ones at risk.

For example, nothing prevents one from installing their own elevator. Think of the time it will save! But then you hear about a guy in Kansas who made his own elevator to get to the second story of what appears to be the aluminum warehouse he lived in. When he held the button too long, the cables snapped, bypassing the first floor and sending him to the hospital instead. This, incredibly, was not an isolated incident. Another man in Oklahoma was injured so badly in his DIY elevator that he had to be airlifted to a hospital.