If you haven't been buried under the rubble of all we've wrought (again, we are incredibly sorry for that) you may have heard about this devastating derailment that killed eight and injured over 200 people. The train, traveling from Washington, D.C., to New York City, was carrying 238 passengers and was going approximately 100 mph in an area where the max speed is supposed to be half of that, when it derailed.
At first, we thought it was just another derailment in the list of many. Tragic, but occasionally expected for a method of travel that demands getting into 180,000 pounds of metal and going really fast.
Then, through careful Facebook stalking by Chuck Johnson of the website GotNews.com, BREAKING NEWS was released that the engineer for this particular train was Brandon Bostian, a "gay activist," who has "liked" pages as scandalous as the Memphis Gay And Lesbian Community Center and Houdini The Wonderdog.
"I won't rest until I've uncovered all of the dick pics. If your penis even looks like his (regardless of race)
it is your civic duty to send me a pic. #JOURNALISM"
Enter the ever-correct Sandy Rios of the American Family Association, who totally caught us again. Let me ask you: What did we do before the advent of the American Family Association? There were no checks and balances. LGBT people just went around willy-nilly, gaying ourselves into these situations, and no one called us on it. We call it "the golden years."
Anyway, Sandy surmised that maybe the engineer lost control of the train because he was "going through some confusion that has to do with the very core of who they are," which, I mean, grammar aside, has anything made more sense than that? If anything explains the senseless loss of eight human beings and the injury to over 200, it's that Brandon was so overwhelmed with the gay that he just made the train go really fast. He probably has an acceleration power, which has caused him to excel in train conducting and working at Target before that, but then he just gayed entirely too hard.
Slavica Stajic/iStock/Getty Images
He gayed too close to the sun, on wings of fabulousness.
We've all done it. I mean us, the LGBT community. Not you straight people. You're really blameless in all of this. I feel like we should do something to make up for it. Do you guys like fruit baskets?
And also check out 5 Shockingly Outdated Problems Gay People Still Face Today and 6 Outdated Myths Everyone Still Believes About Homosexuality.
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