The taxi driver hit a bump in the road and Yu was hurled from the back of the scooter like a man distracted by porn being hurled from the back of a scooter. Apparently, the angle of his fall was such that his chubby buddy took the brunt of the blow and the erectile tissue therein was crushed mercilessly. Diagnosis? Busted dick.
Let this be a lesson to all of you who enjoy porn in public: Make sure your penis is wearing a helmet before you go joy-riding about town.
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Deep in the steamy, plump heart of Lincolnshire, England, lies Louth, a tiny town of about 15,000 people, all of them super duper British and full to their knickers with bangers and mash. Louth, as you're no doubt aware, is a great place to get your lips around a famous Lincolnshire sausage. What makes the Lincolnshire sausage so famous? What am I, the sausage whisperer? Ask the queen.
In an effort to celebrate their delicious meaty phalli, the mayor of Louth, a 61-year-old adult woman who has not suffered from missing brain syndrome, elected to dress up in a sausage costume as the Olympic torch was run through town. Sadly, there were no sausage costumes available, so the mayor instead dressed up as an anthropomorphic cock with an eerie, frozen smile and dead eyes. Because it's not exactly a sausage, but it is in the ballpark.
It's very happy to see you, and everyone, and everything that was and ever will be.
The word is that this costume is technically a fully legit, real sausage, but, come on. You and I both know what a sentient, man-penis beast would look like, and this is it. This is the thing that has stalked and murdered me in several hundred dreams over the last decade.
Locals, unsurprisingly, didn't take kindly to the mayor's novelty dong costume, but the mayor insists it was just to drum up a little excitement for the local sausage festival, which is exactly the same thing she'd say if it was a cock costume and she could just as easily be telling the truth in either case. So, basically, what I'm saying is: Can anyone in Louth confirm whether or not there's a dick festival in town?