4

Bulge-Enhancing Undies

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We've covered these on Cracked before, but I feel it would be a disservice to my column here to not pay lip service (a term I specifically chose for the awkward imagery it invokes) to the male side of that camel toe coin. As an aside, is "moose knuckle" the only male term we have that comes close to "camel toe"? I don't feel it lives up to the glamour of "camel toe"; we need something like "tapir's leg" or "sloppy Oktoberfest" or something.

The world of bulge enhancement is vastly more complex than you'd imagine. For instance, some companies exist solely to outfit female-to-male transgendered persons who want to fully and completely look like dudes, or at least the sorts of dudes who walk around bulging their junk all up in everyone's business all the time. Other companies provide "pouches" that you have to jam your bits into. Why? Seems like I should quote a website here -- "The back of the pouch softly hugs the area behind your scrotum with just enough tension to lift your genitals up and forward, preventing your boys from falling between your legs and providing a natural bulge-enhancing effect." It softly hugs your taint. You know what else softly hugs your taint? Cell mates.

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3

Boob Cutlets

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The first time I ever heard the word "cutlet" was maybe when I was 6 or so and my mom bought a box of frozen chicken cutlets. We had them for dinner and they were jacked. Just rancid little shitlets of brown C.H.U.D. meat assembled into something like a burger and breaded so I wouldn't see the affront that was about to befall me until it was too late. I have to assume the meat was mostly asshole and knuckle meat that had been stripped off with a power washer and crammed together in some kind of deep-ocean pressure tank. Shit.

Since my childhood, I have obviously had an aversion to any kind of cutlet, and it's no wonder, since these boob cutlets exist and are potentially even more offensive and damaging than chicken cutlets. What's a boob cutlet, you ask? It's a flappy little wingding of silicon or some similar rubbery material that can be jammed under a boob in order to lift it and make it appear bigger and more wonderful. Well, a pox on you, boob cutlets.

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2

Synthol Injections

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Movies and magazines have convinced the media to convince me that movies and magazines have convinced me that I need perfect washboard abs and wicked huge biceps to be attractive to women. Or men. Or even pets, really. Pets hate my flabby, untoned frame the way Maury Povich guests hate grammar or human decency. And sure, I could get toned abs and sweet muscles by eating a good diet and using the Chuck Weider home gym, or the Chuck Norris Ab Flabberizer, or the Lou Ferrigno Delt Hulkerizer, but Christ, what a time consumer. Plus I really like eating fried chicken and cake.

Lucky for me there's a quick way to get muscle tone, and that's steroids. But man, you still need to work out, plus your balls turn into capers, and I can't commit to that either. Lucky for me there's also synthol injections. It's like steroids for the super lazy.

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1

Ass Pads

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For many years, the bane of any woman was a fat ass. I don't know if there are scholarly records out there that made note of this so people can confirm what I'm saying, but I really, sincerely remember it. Having a large ass was something women actively wanted to avoid. Then we had a very brief transition period where you were encouraged to love yourself just the way you are. That was about a week long. Then big asses became awesome. It happened sometime around "Jenny from the Block."

As a butt fan myself, I can't complain about this, but I do find it curious that there has been such a shift in ass dynamics that butts of unusual size are not only encouraged and embraced, but fraudulently attained. Just like breast implants, you can get butt implants to have a more robust ass. And, just as with boob cutlets, you can get ass padding to make yourself look, at least at first, like someone with an Amazonian ass.

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Plump and juicy.

In my research for this article, which I thoroughly enjoyed and bookmarked, I found a website solely dedicated to making your ass look more appealing. I knew there were panties out there with pads in them, but this was an entire website with a vast product line of ass enhancements. It was like looking for a snack and discovering that your fridge opens a portal to a mystical land of bacon and deep-fried bar food run by unicorns. Unicorns that have perfectly round asses.

Beyond padded undies, this site sells butt bras. I actually paused with my cursor over the button for a fraction of a moment, just wondering if I could guess what was going to be on the other side. It took me to a page full of pictures of asses. The best way I can describe it, since I imagine I can't include full-on ass photos in this article, is like a cupless bra, but for your ass. Your cheeks just poke through and the frame around it lifts it up. It's like an ass harness of some kind.

The site went on with padded panties, booty lifters, butt and hip pads and inserts, adhesive pads cleverly called "sticky buns," and then, at the very end of things -- products for men. Men's underwear padded in both front and back. And this thing.

Go on, strap your man ass into this thing.

Is this the kind of world you want to live in? A world in which you see me sauntering around town and think, "Mmm, I want a slice of that?" only to find out afterward that I'm geared in an ass harness with injectable muscles and an insertable dong pad? Hell no! It's not a world any of us should want.