The "Abandon Date Timer" is Tinder in reverse. Instead of looking at lots of people, saying whom you'd be great with, and encouraging mistakes, it would watch your current date, compare it to your pre-selected preferences, and scream "NO!" when appropriate. Or, you know, notify you in a more subtle way. It would gather data from all the other apps on this list and give you an objective opinion about whether your next conquest is going to be a disaster. Remember, dates are like an airplane: Just because things are going quickly doesn't mean you're moving in the right direction. This is the app that tells you when to pull up
It would also be a tremendous time saver. Instead of struggling though an entire date to get to the point where it's polite to leave, the app can alert people after a certain awfulness threshold has been reached. No longer do you need to pretend that someone just called you. Your phone itself can signal your escape.
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The most common dating disaster is as mundane as it is devastating. Sometimes, dates don't work out. It's no one's fault. No one's acting entitled or cruel. Things just aren't meant to be, and it's painfully, cringingly obvious to everyone except one person: you. Once you finally realize where you've been all night, it's devastating. Another common problem is actually the opposite: Things went way better than you thought, but you were too timid to make a move. Don't feel bad -- everyone does it. But what if they didn't? What if an app fixed this too?
This app wouldn't just be a GPS guiding us to our date, but also a street sign telling us how fast or slow it's safe to go. The "Dateometer" would track data from all the other apps on this list, compare things to pre-selected preferences from both sides, and objectively tell people whether things are going well.
"YOUR AI OVERLORD COMMANDS YOU TO BONE!"
The app could evolve and improve with experience. The more dates you take it on, the better it'll get at working out what you want. Love-luddites would say this is a soulless approach. One which would end with us sending our smartphones on dates so that they can bring back the perfect person without us ever having to leave our homes. I say that this app would be perfect and make every billion dollars. If machines could automatically connect good dates, most people would leapfrog over Tinder into blissful Skynet-approved marriage.
An important part of the Dateometer would be manual overrides. (Another nerdy romance fantasy: the opportunity to say "Manual overrides!") Each person could toggle options like "Meet Again" or "Let's Get Out Of Here And Do Each Other," so the Dateometer would only generate results within a range agreed by the people. OKCupid already does this with its questionnaires, but the Dateometer would do it live, and with context-specific options!
More importantly, when the Dateometer gives a special blinking red light, the users unlock a second set of options, asking questions, like "Did the other person respect that?" "Were they cool?" or "Do you need help?" And that information would appear on the target's dating profile. Above their name. In giant yellow and black letters.
Aside from the fact that this app would require incredible technological leaps and/or magic, how are tools like this not the standard? Especially now that sexual violence resulting from online dates is skyrocketing? In the future, people will look back at social networks built without anti-abuse and reporting tools in the same way we look at early cars without safety standards or safety glass: as nonsensically dangerous vehicles of painful disaster. Even plumbers have certifications and public reviews, and they're only working on things that go near your naked body.
Likewise, when all lights are green, both people can stop trying so damn hard to decode each other and get on with enjoying the night and each other.
Check out the dating apps the world doesn't need (but still has) in 4 Creepy Dating Apps That Actually Exist and check out the app that doesn't let you see who you're dating in 5 Relationship Apps Designed Solely For Insane People.
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