4

The Conversation Shot Clock

RyanKing999/iStock/Getty Images

The Problem:

We've all overheard a guy talking his first date to death. The girl gets three words into what she does for a living before he starts explaining it to her, and at that point he might as well be reciting vows of celibacy. A primal urge to display mating worthiness combined with a tragic lack of woolly mammoths to hunt has left him with an insatiable urge to demonstrate expertise in all of existence, which is just one of the many ways our biological programming has betrayed us. Or maybe the girl is outputting her entire mind over a cup of coffee, because the only thing that impresses her more than herself is her ability to explain how impressive she is. Either way, it's the kind of obnoxious tragedy that nearby hipster coffee-swillers can't help live-tweeting about.

The whole point of conversation is getting to know others, and somehow, both these people have missed it. If your part in the conversation could be replaced by a six-inch chunk of silicone, so could your contribution to the rest of the relationship. If you're either of these people, then this app amends it.

3

Get It Right

NemanjaMiscevic/iStock/Getty Images

The Problem:

First-date conversation topics should be light but also stimulating. You don't want to go about unloading your deepest anxieties, but you also can't simply recite the current state of the weather. So most first-daters end up talking about current events, like whatever happens to be trending on Twitter. These topics are neutral, topical, and show that you're capable of reacting to outside stimulus. All prime factors for mating! The problem is that your date has read those exact same stories, so if you get them wrong, they'll know, and they'll judge you for it. How do you avoid this? Simple ...

2

The Abandon Date Timer

bernardbodo/iStock/Getty Images

The Problem:

If a dating app is encouraging you to meet strangers, then it should also help get away from them. Our phones already stop us from screwing up our spelling. They should help with the other kinds of screwing, too. After all, people will soldier through more warning signs than the first ten minutes of a slasher movie if they think there's sex at the end. Our brains come pre-loaded with enough denial to build and flood a pyramid, because in the stone age, every sexual opportunity was vital to the future of our species. These days, we have the opposite problem, and our evolutionary urges are contrary to our desire for long-term coupling. That's why we need to program a robot to tell us when to abandon a crappy date.

The Solution:

Some doomed dates are appallingly obvious to everyone except the couple themselves, stuck as they are in the eye of the sexually-frustrated hurricane. People sitting at nearby tables know it. The servers know it. People walking past the restaurant somehow know it, feeling a small shiver in their pancreas which tells them that a terrible, terrible mistake is about to be made. Far across the galaxy, Jedi feel weak and sit down, causing their apprentices concern.

1

The Dateometer

Wavebreakmedia Ltd/Wavebreak Media/Getty Images

The Problem:

The most common dating disaster is as mundane as it is devastating. Sometimes, dates don't work out. It's no one's fault. No one's acting entitled or cruel. Things just aren't meant to be, and it's painfully, cringingly obvious to everyone except one person: you. Once you finally realize where you've been all night, it's devastating. Another common problem is actually the opposite: Things went way better than you thought, but you were too timid to make a move. Don't feel bad -- everyone does it. But what if they didn't? What if an app fixed this too?

The Solution:

This app wouldn't just be a GPS guiding us to our date, but also a street sign telling us how fast or slow it's safe to go. The "Dateometer" would track data from all the other apps on this list, compare things to pre-selected preferences from both sides, and objectively tell people whether things are going well.

AndreyPopov/iStock/Getty Images
"YOUR AI OVERLORD COMMANDS YOU TO BONE!"

The app could evolve and improve with experience. The more dates you take it on, the better it'll get at working out what you want. Love-luddites would say this is a soulless approach. One which would end with us sending our smartphones on dates so that they can bring back the perfect person without us ever having to leave our homes. I say that this app would be perfect and make every billion dollars. If machines could automatically connect good dates, most people would leapfrog over Tinder into blissful Skynet-approved marriage.

An important part of the Dateometer would be manual overrides. (Another nerdy romance fantasy: the opportunity to say "Manual overrides!") Each person could toggle options like "Meet Again" or "Let's Get Out Of Here And Do Each Other," so the Dateometer would only generate results within a range agreed by the people. OKCupid already does this with its questionnaires, but the Dateometer would do it live, and with context-specific options!

More importantly, when the Dateometer gives a special blinking red light, the users unlock a second set of options, asking questions, like "Did the other person respect that?" "Were they cool?" or "Do you need help?" And that information would appear on the target's dating profile. Above their name. In giant yellow and black letters.

Aside from the fact that this app would require incredible technological leaps and/or magic, how are tools like this not the standard? Especially now that sexual violence resulting from online dates is skyrocketing? In the future, people will look back at social networks built without anti-abuse and reporting tools in the same way we look at early cars without safety standards or safety glass: as nonsensically dangerous vehicles of painful disaster. Even plumbers have certifications and public reviews, and they're only working on things that go near your naked body.

Likewise, when all lights are green, both people can stop trying so damn hard to decode each other and get on with enjoying the night and each other.

Check out the dating apps the world doesn't need (but still has) in 4 Creepy Dating Apps That Actually Exist and check out the app that doesn't let you see who you're dating in 5 Relationship Apps Designed Solely For Insane People.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see the third season of our hit dating series in The One Dating Profile Guys Won't Click On - Rom.Com , and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook and join 3.7 million singles looking for love. Find your match today.