The other, more creepy part of this ties in with the above FetLife bullshit. On my profile, it clearly states that I'm looking for men and women who aren't more than 10 years older than me. I get a lot of messages from older men, men who exceed that age range by 15 to 20 years. If you didn't watch at least one episode of a VH1 dating show, you are too old for me. If you watched Rock of Love With Bret Michaels and had any idea that Brett Michaels was like, an actual celebrity rather than some random old dude, you are either too old for me or slightly more culturally aware.
Weirdly, "condescending" is not a trait I'm looking for when deciding if I want to hear about your life and/or touch your junk. This is fairly tame, but I've gotten enough weirdly backhanded compliments that this is clearly an approach that men think will work.
To anyone who "negs" -- I am laughing at you. The world is laughing at you. If the only way you can get someone to touch your cock is by exploiting women with low self-esteem, you are just as pathetic as you secretly worry you are. There isn't a whole lot else I can say about this one.
Messages That Make It Weird for Bisexual Women
Listing yourself as bisexual on dating websites is low-level masochism. I am listed as bisexual because "idk, idc" is not an option, unfortunately. OkCupid has a function where you can hide your profile from straight users, but I don't use that function because I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about my safety due to my sexual orientation, and despite everything listed above, I don't want to rule out all of the straight male population.
... a lot of people think bisexual women are actually just slutty and y'all can Google why you're wrong. I don't want to have a fucking threesome, I don't want to be marked out as highly sexual, and I don't want you shoving your dick in the conversation any more than I would if I was exclusively heterosexual. I don't care how big your dick is. I don't care what you and your girlfriend are looking for. It's not like I'm vehemently anti-threesome or whatever, but contrary to popular opinion, being bisexual isn't a synonym for hypersexual.
Like, do you think that porn is real and bisexual women are gonna throw down on you and your friend's genitals like a fucking Golden Corral buffet? Just because I can, in theory, be attracted to both you and your girlfriend doesn't mean that I'm automatically attracted to both of you, nor does it make it any less rude to ask me to spice up your sex life or whatever right off the bat.
Also, I really don't know what this is ...
... but don't do it. Also, any "scheming gays" out there should hit me up; there's definitely an Ocean's 11 sequel in here somewhere.
Look, even if you're messaging women on UpperMiddleClassConservativeRelationships.com or whatever, all this still applies. Just ... talk to women like they're people, not giggling fleshlights.
For more from Alice, follow her on Twitter @milkwench.
And also check out 5 Things You Learn Escorting Women Into an Abortion Clinic and 12 Fetishes That Will Brighten Your Day.
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