Of course, there were theories about the victim's identity. She might have been a local prostitute, because every British murder investigation since Jack the Ripper is legally required to have at least one line of sex worker investigation. She might also have been a Dutch woman who had too much to drink, passed out, and was fatally shoved in a tree in a weird attempt to scare her into sobriety from a local dude called Jack Mossop and his Dutch cohort. Curiously, Mossop died in an insane asylum before the body was found. He had been committed there because of recurring nightmares about a woman staring at him from inside a tree.

But the real mystery of "Bella in the Wych Elm" happened after she was found, and in fact is the reason we know her as "Bella" at all. See, someone in the area knew, if not what had happened, at least who it had happened to. Soon after the body was found, mysterious graffiti with the words Who Put Bella in the Wych Elm? started appearing in the area, and variations of the phrase have continued to sporadically pop up to this very day.

Wait, hold the s**t on. Mysterious haunting phrase that keeps turning up no matter what. "Wych elm" (which is just a type of tree, but hey, witch allusions). Mental asylums. Haunting dreams.

Atlas Obscura
God dammit, this is a vengeful ghosts thing, isn't it?

Pauli's Favorite Theory:

Yeah, no. The Mossop theory came from the guy's cousin like ten years after the body was found, so it should probably be taken with a sack of salt. Also, my money says that the graffiti was probably started by someone who had a fair idea about the victim's identity, but it eventually turned into a "Kilroy Was Here"-style local meme.

As for the identity of the victim, let's point the Blame Stick at the bad guys of just about everything in the era. There are theories that the woman was killed by a Nazi spy ring she learned too much about. Others say she was a Nazi herself, and ended up dead in a tree due to a terminal case of being a little-too-obvious Nazi spy in 1943 Britain. I like the latter version, because that way we might even have a solid candidate for Bella. It's this lady:

Independent
"Wait, what?"

That would be Clara Bauerle, a German cabaret singer who had spent time in the area and could speak English with a convincing Birmingham dialect. According to her former lover, she was a well-connected Nazi who was recruited as a spy and set to parachute to Britain in 1941 ... only to disappear immediately afterwards. Maybe she bumped into some hostile locals or fatally messed up the landing in front of a panicked bulldog herder who opted to hide her body instead of alerting the authorities (or, for that matter, getting help). Either way, someone who saw her die -- or discovered her body before the authorities knew about her -- must've recognized her. Before the "Bella" graffiti reached its most famous form, at least one tag read: "Who put Clarabella in the wych elm?"

Now ingest roughly eight pints -- much like a 1940s-era British cabaret visitor might -- and say "Clara Bauerle" out loud. Hoooooly s**t, right?

Yeah, speaking of the husband. The Major-General had been walking with his wife right before they parted ways and Caroline headed toward the summer house. He was also the guy who eventually found the body. Of course it was him! As the investigation churned on, self-proclaimed "experts" and plain old nosy citizens started bombarding him with accusations and hate mail. He became a complete pariah in a few weeks, and was forced to sell his home and seek refuge at a friend's estate. And then, less than a month later, Major-General Charles Luard was on his way to meet his son in the train station. Instead, he chose to hide in the nearby bushes and unexpectedly throw himself in front of a train, in what was deemed "a fit of temporary insanity." Case closed, kind of!

Wikipedia
To be fair, finding your brutally slain wife and then being chased out of society does seem like it could induce "temporary insanity."

The weird thing is that there is no way the man could have done it. Charles Luard continued his hike to a nearby golf club after separating from his wife, and the people he met could provide him an airtight alibi for the time of the murder (which we know was 3:15 p.m., because witnesses heard gunshots from the summer house). He was also a 69-year-old man, so it's not like he could have sprinted to the summer house, murdered his wife, staged a robbery, and returned to his path while still maintaining said alibi. Oh, and he readily presented all three revolvers he owned to the authorities, and none matched the bullet holes found in his late wife's skull.

Come on, it's obvious that the guy didn't do it. Even if you ignore his alibi, the dude died alone and unexpectedly by jumping (or "jumping") in front of a train. There's no way the narrative laws of the universe allow that to be anything other than Mrs. Luard's real killer covering his tracks. The problem: This leaves me with little choice but to tie the murder(s) to a hitherto unexpected enemy, preferably one with a name I can ruthlessly mock. Sadly, it's not like handy super-suspects like Hans Assmann grow on trees ...

Pauli's Favorite Theory:

... Wait, there's a theory that the real murderer was a man called John Dickman? Who was later scandalously hanged for a murder in a train despite very little proof, which some people take to mean that the law may have dealt some retroactive punishment from a certain high-profile murder he could never be connected to? John Dickman. Seriously. I love my job.

Chronicle Live
Sorry, guy. Guilty or not, this jury is heavily biased in favor of exploding in a torrent of boner jokes.

Here's the Dickman theory, the seeds of which were sown by the impossibly named Sir Sidney Orme Rowan-Hamilton in 1914. John Dickman (John Dickman!) was a poor small-timer attempting to raise the pillars of his future wealth by placing an ad in a newspaper begging for financial aid. The ad was a huge, swinging hit, as Mrs. Luard answered it and sent Dickman a big fat check. Unfortunately, it wasn't adequately sizable for Dickman's needs, so he likely forged it to a bigger sum. Raging hard on the fact that she had been cheated, Mrs. Luard had a bone to pick with Dickman. Careful not to rub her the wrong way, Dickman managed to arrange a meeting between Mrs. Luard and himself under the guise of returning the money, only to shoot her before she opened her mouth to her husband, which would obviously have been a huge pain in the ass for Dickman.

Hehehehehe. Dickman.

OK, this has to have been, like, a drug deal, right? A couple drives in the middle of nowhere to meet a contact, Breaking Bad-style. Things go awry and people get killed, also Breaking Bad-style. They brought their kid along because they were dipshits. Case closed!

Only ... start digging a little deeper, and BOOM! Suddenly each and every theory laid in front of you is a straight-up horror movie plot. Sherilyn's mother is absolutely convinced that Madyson was on the hit list of a mysterious cult. I'm inclined to dismiss that line of inquiry, because her reasoning appears to be of the "My hairdresser's cousin told me everyone knows Oklahoma is full of terrifying cults" variety, but that doesn't explain the family's pastor, who says that Bobby was eyebrow-deep in a battle with ghosts and evil spirits that haunted their house (hence the real estate shopping, I guess). We're talking "reading a Satanic Bible for combat tips and looking for special demon-killing bullets" stuff here. W-what the s**t?

Perhaps one of the most interesting non-horror leads was the petition for a protective order which Bobby filed six months before the family's disappearance. It stated that Bobby's father, Bob Dean, had threatened the family's lives on two occasions, and had even hit Bobby with his vehicle. However, it's worth noting that the petition was promptly dismissed, and Bob Dean's brother is absolutely certain that he wasn't involved in the disappearance, due to being a 67-year-old degenerate knocking on death's door at the time. Could some of Bob Dean's supposed gang contacts have offed the Jamisons? Or was he sprier than the brother thinks? Did he meet the Jamisons in the desert for whatever reason, and then things escalated to a confrontation wherein Bob Dean hunted down his family in the desert, Wolf Creek-style? God dammit, horror movie territory again.

3139381/Pixabay
"Yeah, mind leaving us monsters out of this? Getting a little weirded out here."

Pauli's Favorite Theory:

I occasionally like exploring the paranormal route with these, but this time I'll abstain. For once, it would be too easy. Instead, let's experiment: I'll claim that this wasn't an isolated case.

A year after the Jamisons went fatally AWOL, the McStay family disappeared in a suspiciously similar way in Victorville, California. Their empty car was located near the Mexican border, and in 2013 (the same year the Jamisons were found, remember) a motorist stumbled upon their remains, buried in shallow graves in a desert. This case has a suspect: The police arrested the McStay father's business associate for the murders in 2014, and he's awaiting trial to this day. My completely non-validated, whiskey-infused theory: For whatever reason, the guy (or, provided he turns out to be innocent and/or has accomplices, whoever really offed the McStays) met the Jamisons in Oklahoma. Maybe he had dealings with them. Maybe he merely bumped into them as they were driving wildly on the mountain roads, shooting magic bullets at the horde of bloodthirsty ghosts chasing them. (A meeting likely far less ridiculous than any of the real theories surrounding the case took place.) Whatever the case, the end result was that the McStay killer chose to do a practice run for his upcoming identical crime.

OK, this one's probably a bust. But hey, you know how the old adage goes: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably also murders people precisely like a duck.

Skitterphoto/Pixabay
"Yeah, sure. 'Duck.'"

Which brings us to the subject of the CIA. Curiously, the agency's pawprints were all over the case -- and, for that matter, Pinchot Meyer's entire life. Turns out she'd had something of a love-hate relationship with the agency. On one hand, Pinchot Meyer was considered something of a Marilyn of the intelligence circles, and even married an agency bigshot. On the other, she had a counterculture streak a mile wide, and it was not unheard of her to drop acid with Timothy Leary. Combine that strange duality with the way certain powers obviously affected the investigation behind the scenes -- for instance, the judge in Crump's trial ordered that the victim's private life couldn't be discussed at all, effectively limiting Pinchot Meyer's existence to the site of her murder -- and you can probably guess where the favorite theories for the killer are pointing.

There are two main theories about the case. One is precisely what you'd expect: The CIA had Pinchot Meyer killed for whatever reason, up to and including that she might've found out that the intelligence agency assassinated a certain former lover of hers in Dallas (because of f*****g course). Another one is much more mundane: She was really killed by Ray Crump, who lucked out thanks to a lack of forensic evidence and a sympathetic jury.

Wikipedia
Two guesses as to which one is more popular online.

Pauli's Favorite Theory:

Man, this is a tough one. Crump was clearly acquitted, and besides, he really seems like either a patsy or the personification of "wrong place, wrong time" to me. Then again, the CIA kind of rings wrong as well, for the same reason I've always found it hard to believe they have a hand in the JFK assassination or [insert your favorite nutjob theory here]. The victim was such a high-profile person that an assassination gig like this would require an absurd amount of professionalism and silence from a massive number of people, and it's scientifically impossible for such a sizable group to exist without at least one of them turning out to be a giant d*****t who'll eventually blurt out something they shouldn't. Besides, if they're really that good, surely they'd have done a better job of framing a culprit. Maybe have some bike messenger deliver a gun to the murder site, then claim he did it and immediately kill him in a shootout or whatever.

Wait, hold the s**t on. Am I now offering advice to shadowy organizations on how to better step on everyone's dicks? Yeah, let's agree to never do that. Uh ... let's say a UFO did it. Let's leave this one for Fox Mulder. Moving on.

That's what Anaheim, CA native Dorothy Jane Scott experienced in 1980. Scott's personal hell started when out of the blue she started receiving regular threatening phone calls to her work from a mysterious man. It soon became apparent that this was no ordinary stalker. The man knew intimate details of her life, and was unnervingly well aware of Scott's comings and goings. He told her he loved her. He told her he'd kill her. He told her he'd cut her up. As weeks and months progressed, he took to leaving serial killer-y gifts to her, such as dead roses on her car's windshield. Unsurprisingly, this freaked Scott right the f**k out. She took up karate and considered buying a gun.

On May 27 of that year, the worst-case scenario happened. Scott's co-worker had been bitten by a black widow spider, so she drove him and another colleague to the emergency room at UC Irvine Medical Center around 9 p.m. Two hours later, the coworker was discharged, but was still feeling a little weak. Scott told the two that she'd go get her car to the door in case Spider Guy couldn't handle the trip to the parking lot. A while later, the co-workers waited at the door and saw her Toyota station wagon approach ... then blind them with its headlights and speed away. At that point, it became clear that Scott wasn't driving the car, or at the very least had someone nasty in there with her.

The car was later found burning in an alley. There was no trace of Scott or her abductor. And that's when the really weird s**t started. Out of the blue, the stalker started calling Dorothy's family. The first call came a week after her abduction. Scott's mother answered, and a male voice asked if she was Dorothy's mother. When she said yes, the voice said "I've got her" and hung up.

526663/Pixabay
As if answering an 1980s phone without caller ID wasn't terrifying enough already.

The calls kept on coming on almost every Wednesday, carefully timed so the mother usually answered, but were never long enough so the police could trace them. The caller sometimes said he had killed Dorothy, and other times insinuated she was still alive. This didn't stop until f*****g 1984, when some of Scott's bones and belongings were finally found strewn near Santa Ana Road. Her watch had stopped an hour after she was abducted. The bones were charred, which may or may not have been because of a bush fire in the area a couple of years before. Oh, and the coroner was only able to estimate that the bones had been there for around two years, instead of the four she'd been missing.

A week or so after the discovery made the news, the phone rang two more times. On both occasions, a man's voice asked in knowing tone "Is Dorothy home?" After that, nothing.

So ... exactly what happened here? Did the stalker kill Scott immediately after abducting her, like the watch indicated? Or did he keep her for a couple of years somewhere, like- Oh s**t, let's not pursue that train of thought. Why the years of calls to the mother, whom the killer was also clearly keeping tabs on? Was the watch a deliberate ruse by the killer? Why weren't Dorothy's remains found before? What was the cause of death? Why is the square of the hypotenuse equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides? Why anything? What the f**k?

Hans/Pixabay
Here are my notes from last night re: one of those. Can't quite remember which.

Pauli's Favorite Theory:

The popular theory seems to be that the killer was an unrecognized man who called the front desk of a local newspaper after they ran a story about the case. The guy knew certain specifics about the case, and claimed that he'd finally been moved to attack because he felt Dorothy was seeing someone. So, you know, a maniac imagining a love triangle in his head kind of thing.

However, I believe there's more to the case. See, the stalker wasn't just a random f****r. Before her disappearance, Dorothy told her mother that she could recognize the voice harassing her, but she couldn't put a face and name to it. Sure, technically that means that she probably wasn't killed by Garrison Keillor or James Earl Jones, but think about how many people like that you have in your life. No one ever really listens to people's voices. Fringe co-workers, gas station attendants, store clerks, neighbors -- people you see every day and interact with regularly, yet never really pay attention to. Dorothy Jane Scott must've had plenty of such people in her life too, and because the world is sometimes a terrifying place, I think one of them paid her very, very close attention.

Wait, wait. Is that really our takeaway after trudging through all these sad cases? She was probably stalked from afar and ultimately killed by someone she interacted with regularly, but didn't pay attention to? And that could happen to anyone? Like, any random cashier, bank teller, or online acquaintance could be secretly plotting your demise right this second? f**k that, guys. We're ending this thing on a high note, if it's the last thing I do. Let me reach into my stash of cute animal pictures and see if I can find something suitably uplifting ...

Skitterphoto/Pixabay

... m**********r.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

For more, check out The Creepiest Serial Killers (Who Still Remain At Large) and 5 Creepy Unsolved Disappearances That Nobody Can Explain.

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