5 Creepy Abandoned Places That'd Make Perfect Villain Lairs

... except, that is, for the Orpheum Theatre in New Bedford, Massachusetts.

"Man, I don't know," I hear you saying. "It certainly looks adequately scary, and I could definitely see myself settling down in the place and wandering its corridors wearing a mask and holding a giant mallet that makes sparks as I drag it across the floor. But I just stole all these orangutans from the zoo, and I've been meaning to teach them to use the miniguns I've had laying around since the Lyon heist. They'd wreck the interior within minutes." To which I say: Don't worry, the Orpheum has it all. Turns out the official name of the place is "La Salle Francs Tireurs," or "French Sharpshooters Hall." It combines the European tradition of enjoying the fine arts with the American tradition of shooting the shit out of everything, by which I mean that it's a theater that also has a gun range.

Think about the options this gives you, regardless of your preferred brand of villainy. When Special Agent Lance Dickheart inevitably infiltrates the place, you can stalk him through the grimy corridors yourself. Or you can sic your army of now firearm-proficient Homicidapes at him, as you gloat safely from the rafters and lob the occasional grenade at your nemesis. Hell, you can even go full Batman villain by kidnapping the agent's sidekick and setting up a deathtrap on the stage. If you can't decide the theme of the trap, the theater will even help you with that: It just so happens that the place opened on the same day that the Titanic sank.

OK. Oooookayyyy. That waterfall's a bit much, isn't it? Let's revise a bit. Clearly this is not a building, it's a The Last Of Us level. Maybe one of the Far Cry games, or even something in the Uncharted universe. Either way, sorry in advance, friend -- no matter what the protagonist calls himself, he's going to be a damn one-man army, and everyone's going to sound like either Nolan North or Troy Baker. Hope you have approximately 2,000 mooks who don't mind hiding in cramped corridors for days on end at your disposal. Not that they'll help, but an extra five minutes of life is an extra five minutes of life.

Still, on a positive note: No matter how well you plan and execute your nefarious deeds, we both know that somehow, some way, you're going to get thrown off that damn waterfall. So just take up base jumping and wear a parachute 24/7, and you should survive to see the sequel with just a badass facial scar or 16.

A century or so ago, this massive-ass coal freighter was abandoned in the Homebush Bay, which was then contaminated with toxic waste because fuck you, just because it's a ship doesn't mean that it can't get a Joker-style origin story. Eventually, the bay got less toxic, and nature started eyeing the ship. Stuff took root and started growing, and before you knew it, two things long neglected by man had formed an unholy union that you just know can start whipping spiked vines at your enemies as soon as you reach the captain's cabin and find the flute that commands this naval jungle.

And here's the thing: By settling in and learning to control SS Ayrfield, you don't gain just one ship: You'll have an entire navy. The Ayrfield has three compatriots rusting away at the bay. The Heroic, the Mortlake Bank, and the Karangi are just waiting for the right megalomaniac to control them. And if for some reason it turns out that the ships are just dormant wrecks instead of toxin-infused haunted ships waiting to take their revenge, well, you still have the high ground. You can just do that annoying Metal Gear enemy thing where you jump around from place to place (or, in this case, deck to deck) as the elderly, monovisioned, inexplicably snake-themed mercenary chasing you rapidly finds out that his limited depth perception isn't worth jack shit in a combined jungle/marine environment.

The Telegraph
And if you want to expand beyond Homebush Bay, there's roughly a hundred wrecks laying around nearby.

As for the actual game level to your boss battle, hey -- SS Ayrfield is in fucking Australia. Just buy your nemesis a plane ticket to the nearest airport, it's fine. They'll still have to run through miles of fucking Australia to get to you. They've been bitten by at least seven funnel web spiders and 14 drunk locals before they even lay eyes on your lair.

Fucking Australia. Why anyone ever built supervillain lairs anywhere else, I'll never know.

Sure, underwater supervillainy is not everyone's cup of tea, but consider the facts: The name of the place literally translates to "Lion City," so your base would have the most badass address imaginable ("Yeah, you can just send the bill to the Lion City at the bottom of a motherfucking lake"). If that's not enough, Shicheng is also colloquially known as Atlantis of the East, which should be more than prestigious enough to show that bastard Baron Barren and his billion-dollar mansion who the real prime time player is. Furthermore, Shicheng never went down because of a natural disaster. The Chinese government deliberately sank it in 1959. Sure, they say it's because of a dam they're building, but we've seen movies -- we know how these things work. The Lion City clearly hosts at least three ancient superweapons and/or demonic warrior-kings for you to find and enslave.

BBC
And failing that, there's a whole bunch of creepy statues you can convert to harpoon deathtraps.

So never you mind a little dampness. Take over the place, and whatever dipshit Tomb Raider or Chosen One kid they send after you will have to swim at you through these murky waters ...

... only to suddenly reach the center of the city, where they'll come to a dead stop as they find you maniacally cackling in your underwater dome. And that's when the giant crabs will attack.

Yeah, fine. Good. That'll do. Once they're inside, they should probably have to navigate some diabolically complex yet beautiful corridors and platforms. I wonder if this tower has any?

Hypebeast
Spoiler: Hell yes it does.

Let's say they somehow manage to navigate their way through that shit sandwich (with a hefty icing of your angriest minions, of course). Man, they're tough. We'd better give them a good arena to run about before you unveil your true might. In fact, let's go with that "central circle and a buttload of platforms" structure every single RPG in recorded history features at some point, in some dungeon.

Pinterest
*Ominous orchestral music*

Now, with all the pieces in place, all we need is a vast, central chasm you can dramatically rise from as you unveil your newfound powers of a generic anime dark god.

Slate
Yep, got one right here. Can't have a bidet on the same site, though. It's a plumbing thing.

Wait, you didn't take the time to gain the powers of a dark god? I, uh, probably should have put that down as the first item on the list, really. Still, you know how it goes. The boss battle has to take place. Here, you can borrow my switchblade that may or may not turn out to be a novelty comb. Go nuts on the haircut kids, friend. My invoice regarding the Charleroi abandoned power plant in Belgium is in the mail.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

One of our most popular podcast episodes from 2016 was when we invited Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark from "My Favorite Murder" to talk about some of the best true-crime stories out there. So successful, in fact, that we're resurrecting it (get it?) for a part two! Metal Fang, the Strangling Executioner, and the murderer living in the attic just weren't enough. So Jack O'Brien, Dan O'Brien, and the Cracked staff welcome Karen and Georgia back for another creepy hour of serial killers and urban legends that are bound to make you terrified to go outside or talk to a stranger or do anything.

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