4

In A Washroom

Again, employees are supposed to check these places when they close up for the night and, again, "Man, what a hassle," those same employees report.

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"Did that toilet just sneeze?"

3

In Plain Sight

If you're confident and assured in your behavior, you can get away with some pretty crazy things. Derren Brown is an English magician who has made a career out of exactly this kind of stunt. One of his better iterations of it involves walking into stores and paying for things with blank pieces of paper.

"As you can tell by my dazzling English accent, everything is totally aboveboard here."

The same technique could be used to hide in a store, or at least to deal with the uninterested employees who might inquire about what you're doing with a grappling hook and a gleam in your eye. This guy did something like this when he was caught in the back storage room of a Kmart, convincing the employees that found him that he was supposed to be there.

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"Just checking the compliance of the work order for emissions and iterating
on a few other complicated words. Crazy Mondays, am I right?"

2

Under Your Desk

Given the importance of evading store employees in an enterprise such as this, an obvious solution is to become an employee yourself. This might require more prep work than you really wanted to do to start a new life in a Sears, but such is the price of glory.

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One day you will hold your son aloft over your head and promise him this will all be his.

Consider the case of this Nordstrom employee who ducked out of work one day quite literally, in this case under his desk (he worked on the switchboard on another floor). Then, after the store closed for the night, he emerged and wandered the racks of the store, thieving it right up. He might have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for the next part of his plan, which was to not get away with it at all. Because after doing all his stealing, instead of running away, he returned to his desk and spent the night there, where he was found by the cleaners. When management noticed a bunch of stuff missing the next day and their switchboard operator pinned against the wall by a mop handle, it didn't take them long to crack the case.

When asked why he did it, he explained that he wanted to buy a motorcycle. So, no, this wasn't just a case of someone who really, really wanted some of that sweet Nordstrom fashion. The stuff that had price tags still attached to it totaled around $30,000. There were 30 more items that weren't marked.

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Yet another skirmish in the eternal battle between criminal masterminds and custodians.

1

In An Entire Apartment You Built There

Everything discussed so far has been pretty small-scale stuff -- enough to get you at most a weekend in the retail establishment of your choice. But if you combine all these techniques and are lucky enough to find yourself in an environment with just the right combination of people not good at their jobs, you can go so much further, and even live in a store for years.

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In this economy, you may outlast your host itself.

This couple and their friends managed to do exactly that in a newly constructed mall in Providence, Rhode Island. Finding a space within the mall that had fallen from the knowledge of man, they began living in there, slowly building up a fairly comprehensive apartment. Although they didn't live in it continuously, over the next four years they and their friends had enough time to flesh it out with a rug, a pair of couches, lamps, artwork, some plants, and a PlayStation.

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"Who needs a toilet?"
"I wouldn't say no to a toilet."
"I too am getting tired of pooing in the Macy's."

Now, understand that they didn't build the apartment right out in the open. That would be absurd. No, they scoped out the mall as it was being built and discovered a section that was used solely for storing materials and construction equipment. When the mall was finished, that area was basically abandoned. Logic and patience are required for long-term store hiding. Always remember that.

And, sure, it all ended in arrests and restraining orders and tears. But still. Four years! Of living in a mall. The happiest place on Earth. That's got to be worth at least a few court-ordered apologies to the people who clean the Macy's bathrooms.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and very sorry for what he did in your bathroom. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

For more from Bucholz, check out The 5 Least Flattering Ways People Brag and 5 Superheroes Older Than You Think.

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