This is probably the first place you might think to hide when trying to stay in a store overnight, and for that reason it's probably the least effective. After a store closes, employees regularly sweep it, checking places like these for people who have died (there's a form they have to fill out). So you're unlikely to go undetected for long, though it's worth pointing out that lowly paid retail employees often don't have that many fucks to give and might just not search very hard that day. Consider all the cases of people getting locked in stores overnight accidentally, like this CVS, or this Canadian department store, or this English bookseller.

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"You check if the place is empty?"
"I did! It doesn't even have two fucks to rub together."
"So ... no?"
"No."

There have been many examples of people hiding in such places, like the naughty thief who hid in a Costco only to emerge once the doors closed and rob the place blind. The police were wisely circumspect when describing where he actually hid, but let's just go ahead and assume it was underneath that big pile of bulk underpants in the middle of the store.

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"Did those underpants just sneeze?"

Or the boy who ran away from home and hid in a Walmart for days. To be fair, it was a 24-hour Walmart, so he never really had to leave, but he probably wasn't allowed to build elaborate nests behind various boxes, which is what he ended up doing. He was eventually caught when customers noticed piles of garbage around the store and notified the employees. That it wasn't the employees doing the noticing is, I think, instructive. If you want to successfully hide in a store overnight, first check the employees for signs of defeat.

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Glazed eyes are your friend.

Which is probably how this criminal genius got away with hiding in a grocery store's washroom. Once there, he waited until the store closed, burst from his hiding space, and ate just an unholy amount of food, like he was suffering a warlock's curse or something. His feast included six steaks, a couple pounds of shrimp, a salad (for fiber), a birthday cake, beer, tea, and cigarettes. Then, after several dozen whip-its, our hero crapped his pants, got new pants, and passed out in the rafters. I think it's important to remind you that not one word of that is made up.

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He did more living in one night than most of us manage in our whole lives.
Probably a little more dying too.

The same technique could be used to hide in a store, or at least to deal with the uninterested employees who might inquire about what you're doing with a grappling hook and a gleam in your eye. This guy did something like this when he was caught in the back storage room of a Kmart, convincing the employees that found him that he was supposed to be there.

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"Just checking the compliance of the work order for emissions and iterating
on a few other complicated words. Crazy Mondays, am I right?"

Our smooth criminal got progressively less smooth after this, however, and shortly thereafter proceeded to set off every damned alarm in the store and possibly some neighboring stores, before getting caught by the police with over $75,000 worth of jewelry on him. Think about that: $75,000 worth of jewelry ... from Kmart. By my calculations, that's roughly all of the jewelry Kmart has ever carried, plus some that the criminal made himself.

But with a little more discretion and a little less clumsy burgling, there's no reason why you couldn't use the same smooth talking to overnight in a Subway, or even a Jamba Juice.

When asked why he did it, he explained that he wanted to buy a motorcycle. So, no, this wasn't just a case of someone who really, really wanted some of that sweet Nordstrom fashion. The stuff that had price tags still attached to it totaled around $30,000. There were 30 more items that weren't marked.

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Yet another skirmish in the eternal battle between criminal masterminds and custodians.

This couple and their friends managed to do exactly that in a newly constructed mall in Providence, Rhode Island. Finding a space within the mall that had fallen from the knowledge of man, they began living in there, slowly building up a fairly comprehensive apartment. Although they didn't live in it continuously, over the next four years they and their friends had enough time to flesh it out with a rug, a pair of couches, lamps, artwork, some plants, and a PlayStation.

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"Who needs a toilet?"
"I wouldn't say no to a toilet."
"I too am getting tired of pooing in the Macy's."

Now, understand that they didn't build the apartment right out in the open. That would be absurd. No, they scoped out the mall as it was being built and discovered a section that was used solely for storing materials and construction equipment. When the mall was finished, that area was basically abandoned. Logic and patience are required for long-term store hiding. Always remember that.

And, sure, it all ended in arrests and restraining orders and tears. But still. Four years! Of living in a mall. The happiest place on Earth. That's got to be worth at least a few court-ordered apologies to the people who clean the Macy's bathrooms.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and very sorry for what he did in your bathroom. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

For more from Bucholz, check out The 5 Least Flattering Ways People Brag and 5 Superheroes Older Than You Think.

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