In An Entire Apartment You Built There
Everything discussed so far has been pretty small-scale stuff -- enough to get you at most a weekend in the retail establishment of your choice. But if you combine all these techniques and are lucky enough to find yourself in an environment with just the right combination of people not good at their jobs, you can go so much further, and even live in a store for years.
In this economy, you may outlast your host itself.
This couple and their friends managed to do exactly that in a newly constructed mall in Providence, Rhode Island. Finding a space within the mall that had fallen from the knowledge of man, they began living in there, slowly building up a fairly comprehensive apartment. Although they didn't live in it continuously, over the next four years they and their friends had enough time to flesh it out with a rug, a pair of couches, lamps, artwork, some plants, and a PlayStation.
Howard Shooter/Dorling Kindersley RF/Getty Images
"Who needs a toilet?"
"I wouldn't say no to a toilet."
"I too am getting tired of pooing in the Macy's."
Now, understand that they didn't build the apartment right out in the open. That would be absurd. No, they scoped out the mall as it was being built and discovered a section that was used solely for storing materials and construction equipment. When the mall was finished, that area was basically abandoned. Logic and patience are required for long-term store hiding. Always remember that.
And, sure, it all ended in arrests and restraining orders and tears. But still. Four years! Of living in a mall. The happiest place on Earth. That's got to be worth at least a few court-ordered apologies to the people who clean the Macy's bathrooms.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and very sorry for what he did in your bathroom. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more from Bucholz, check out The 5 Least Flattering Ways People Brag and 5 Superheroes Older Than You Think.
Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.