5 Types Of Gamers And The Cracked Store Items That Suit Them

Telling someone you're "a gamer" nowadays is like responding to someone asking what you want on your pizza with "pizza toppings." Yeah, duh, but what kind specifically? In our estimation, there are, at the very least, five distinct types of gamers. And we're not even counting anyone who gets drunk at a Dave & Busters and projectile vomits into the Skee ball machine. So in the interest of fairness, the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store have teamed up to find something suited for everyone, from that guy who dropped out of college so he could "no-life" CS:GO to your aunt who plays Angry Birds and just has no life.


The Retro Gamer

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You're a lover of history and tradition, but you think that gaming has lost its way, what with the newfangled 64-bit graphics. You frequently say "Back in my day ..." and only pretend to mean it ironically. You have the Konami code tattooed on your lower back so your partner knows exactly what buttons to push.

Well, it's time to break the NES (or "Nintendo Entertainment System," as you insist on saying every time) out of the display case and show the world that this ol' girl still has moves. The Complete NES Bluetooth Controller Kit gives you a brand-new wireless controller, so you can bash Goomba heads in with style. It even allows you to hook up a Wiimote, so you can laugh at your friends trying to launch fireballs by wildly flapping their arms.

The Trendy Gamer

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You're on the forefront of the latest technology. You've mastered the next big thing before anyone else has even heard about it. You don't "play" video games; you live them in three dimensions. You're an adventurer. A pioneer. A maverick. A guy with a Nintendo Virtual Boy collecting dust in his living room.

OK, so you've been burned before, but this time's different. This time, you're getting a virtual reality headset which you can use anywhere you go. This time, the price to embrace new technology is only $18.99, with free shipping. This time, it attaches directly to your phone. This time, there's probably 3D porn.

The Competitive Gamer

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For you, everything is a contest. You toss your dad the car keys using a Major League windup. You count your motions during sex to maximize efficiency. You created an ELO tracking system for when you play Monopoly with your grandma.

We know you're looking for an edge, and that's why we're giving you the Steelseries 9H Gaming Headset. Equipped with tournament-grade audio, extreme passive noise blocking, and best-in-class comfort, these babies will alert you of any scumbag casual trying to get the drop on you. Teabagging their corpse afterward is purely up to you.

The Mobile Gamer

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You live life at a breathtaking pace, always working and always on the go. You play games on a handheld or on your phone during the brief windows when there's nothing else to do -- while pooping, while on the train, while your psychiatrist finishes writing your Adderall prescription.

And that's why you and this Megaboy iPhone (and iPad) case are the perfect fit. Not only will it protect your phone from the rigors of your strenuous schedule, but it'll do so while paying homage to the greatest handheld console and Capcom character to ever buster-shoot his way into the fold.

The Solo Gamer

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You enjoy rich expansive storylines and detailed worlds which stack Easter eggs like Russian nesting dolls. You play alone for hours, sometimes even days at a time, only pausing for bathroom breaks and to inject Hot Pocket molecules into your bloodstream.

As a modern adventure gamer, you get that morality isn't simply good vs. evil. No, morality now has a drop-down menu of at least four options. That's why this travel mug (and our video below) rightly point out how Mario isn't the hero he's cracked up to be. That, and it allows you to store 12 oz of hot liquid energy, so you can play into the night without tiring or having to move. We know that when you're done, you'll probably then use it as a piss bottle, but hey, we're not judging.

Again, you can click on any of the images to get to their product pages, or click on any of these links to shop at the Cracked Dispensary or the Cracked Store. Now lets go out there and pwn some n00bs!

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