When Johnny Cash did his phenomenal cover just before his death, however ...

"Crown of s**t" BECAME "Crown of Thorns"

I used to hate that. "OK, Johnny," I said to myself. "We get it. You love Jesus." It annoyed me because Jesus loving had nothing to do with this self-hating masterpiece. But then I listened to the lyric in context. It went from being "I wear this crown of s**t upon my liar's chair" to "I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair." "Liar's chair" becomes more important, because now we know he's lying about the crown of thorns. He's lying about being a martyr, about being holy. He's not just a piece of s**t; he's a fraud. The lyric change actually ups the ante on his personal sins.

To understand how Relient K made this list, you really can't underestimate the importance of that third prong. See, normally a gratuitous lyric change just for laughs would be offensive. Show some respect! But when you're covering a piece of pure pop fluff, you don't really have to sweat it. It's not like drawing boobs on the Mona Lisa.

I said it's NOT like this.

Accordingly, when Relient K covered it ...

"He Tells Me in His Bedroom Voice, 'C'mon, Honey, Let's Go Make Some Noise'" BECAME "He Tells Me in His Quiet Riot Voice, 'C'mon, Feel the Noise.'"

Yes, Relient K is referencing another '80s hit. Is that the funniest thing ever? No. Is it amusing? Yes, a bit. Does it improve the song? I think it does. Are you tired of this question/answer sentence construction? I'm sure. Should I stop? Of course! Will I? Not until every last one of you hates me. You already do? OK.

Actually, it goes a lot like that. That was it. What you just watched just then. That's Peggy Lee's "Fever." Now you know. Anyway, I never knew this, but apparently it's a cover. The original "Fever" was written by Little Willie John and went something like this. Again, exactly like that. Notice something?

Yeah, Peggy Lee Wrote About Half a Song of New, Additional Lyrics

How many? Like most of them. None of the following lyrics were in the song:

Everybody's got the fever
That is somethin' you all know
Fever isn't such a new thing
Fever started long ago
Romeo loved Juliet
Juliet she felt the same
When he put his arms around her
He said, "Julie baby you're my flame"
Thou givest fever, when we kisseth
Fever with thy flaming youth
Fever I'm on fire
Fever yeah I burn forsooth
Captain Smith and Pocahontas
Had a very mad affair
When her daddy tried to kill him
She said, "Daddy oh don't you dare"
He gives me fever with his kisses
Fever when he holds me tight
Fever, I'm his missus
And daddy won't you treat him right?
Now you've listened to my story
Here's the point that I have made
Chicks were born to give you fever
Be it Fahrenheit or Centigrade
They give you fever when we kiss them
Fever if you live and learn
Fever, till you sizzle
Oh what a lovely way to burn

And not only did Peggy write 'em, she didn't take credit for it. What a cool, jazzy lady.

Well, on the 9 to 5 soundtrack, Dolly reclaimed the song for the sisters! In fact, she not only returned it to the female perspective, but added some new lyrics that made the song's subject matter completely clear.

So kudos to Dolly, even if, musically, the song is nothing short of a travesty. Oh, hey, as long as we're talking about Dolly Parton and musical travesties, can I just point out this thing that happened last month on The Queen Latifah Show? It has nothing to do with this entry or this column, but I can't stop looking at it, and I also can't make it to the end. Why am I doing this to you? It's simple. I hate you. I hate you so much.