5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

But the pause that might as well double as a "Clap Now" sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you're watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don't demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can't put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn't do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it's not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it's reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you'd think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream "ISN'T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE."

I've talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I'm still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I've come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst "I wonder what THIS guest star will do?" poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of "I'd like to get a beer with that guy" charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he's great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter's table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they're going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they're not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They're going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what's going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn't stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It's also admitting that we've kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim's Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it's not talking about the spy movies that it's borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I'd be okay with it. And don't act like there isn't a version of "Freebird" that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they're assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little "out of the know" about what it's trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that's playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don't cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song "Yeah!", which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to "Yeah!" both at Will's house and at this future party. My problem doesn't lie with the song "Yeah!" showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I've heard "Yeah!" more than I've heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and "I love you" combined. It's just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song "Yeah!" more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that's performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song "2 Reasons," and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang "2 Reasons." That's not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That's a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download "2 Reasons," because the actor who fucking made "2 Reasons" in real life seems to really be enjoying "2 Reasons" in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder's appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God's day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever -- cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin'. This, as a wrasslin' fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don't just suddenly declare that there's a wrestling show near you and that you're into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you'd shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they're having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. "These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth."

Daniel is listening to "Yeah!", as it's the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won't need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

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