So, first your nephew suggests that you "upgrade the memory," and for a few hundred dollars he agrees to graciously do that for you. But when you get it back, it's no faster than it was before. Did that little fucker just rip you off?
Maybe, but here is where you find out that sometimes upgrading does absolutely nothing. It has to do with what computer-savvy types call bottlenecks in the system. In short, it means the computer is often only as fast as its slowest part. So you can have the Geek Squad upgrade your "RAM" or "video card" or "nanovector money disintegrator" and find out that you're still slow because the old-ass processor is still there (imagine that old and busted processor as the thin end of a funnel -- no matter how much urine you piss into the cone, it can only allow so much to exit at one time).
You disgusting little bastard.
So, you tell them to upgrade the processor, but they explain that they can't, because the "motherboard" can't handle a larger one. So, you tell them to replace the motherboard, and then they explain that this means your new RAM and video card will no longer work, because they were only compatible with the old motherboard, so you're effectively starting over. Here is where you do the math and realize that the "cheap" upgrade has turned into a Vietnam-style quagmire that's now costing you more than what you'd have paid for an entirely new computer. Moments like these are generally the time where you separate the good friends (the ones who hold your arms down so you'll stop punching yourself in the face) from the bad (the ones who film it and put it on YouTube, using their much more awesome computers).
Friends, children ... whatever.
Here is where you may break down and buy a brand new computer. It's a good feeling -- you spent a lot of money, sure, but at least you know you've left that old mess behind.
So, you get it home and turn it on, only to realize that something is even more wrong with it. All of the controls are gone -- all of the stuff you used to click on to make it work, even the "shut down" button, are just ... gone. All of the buttons in the upper right of your window -- the "X" and "-" buttons your kids showed you how to use 15 years ago -- have vanished, and in fact so has the window itself. Even the "start" button in the lower left that let you access everything is gone. Unfortunately, you have been infected with a piece of malicious software called Windows 8, and not only did you just unintentionally pay for it, but it will cost you another couple hundred dollars to get your local computer shop to remove it. And here is when you realize that all of this is just an elaborate prank meant to teach you to be satisfied with what you have in life, because you just couldn't leave well enough alone.
John is a columnist right here on Cracked. So suck it. If you'd like for him to tell you to suck it on Twitter or Facebook, click those links.