Being a tube means when you have an issue like constipation, you suddenly take on the aspect of a bonbon, all thick in the middle and flappy at the ends. It's a lot like the way a snake looks when it's well-fed, which is equally revolting when you think about it. This tube just stretches and bulges around whatever the hell is inside. If you did that, you'd be disgusted by yourself. You'd burn up every mirror in your home out of angry shame, you would, for fear you'd see a couple of Slim Jims and White Castle sliders pressed against your insides for all the world to see.
There's an old joke about a constipated mathematician who worked out the problem with a pencil that's relevant here. No matter how good that poor snake is at quadratics, he's never going to be able to try to fiddle his poop chute in the hopes of dislodging a landslide and alleviating his issues.
Long Beach Animal Hospital
This was the original plot of Good Will Hunting.
A constipated snake is entirely at the mercy of the universe, while all you need to do is take a quick laxative and wait for the reckoning down south. Think of that poor snake next time you're backed up, full of cheese and mashed potatoes.
kozorog / iStock
Remember the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I was always mildly terrified by that film. I had half a chub too, thanks to Jessica Rabbit, but I was never comfortable with the implications of a world in which cartoons are living beings. Living beings that are apparently made from sentient ink of some kind. Had they all been drawn into existence? Had some men -- because it was back in the day, we can assume they were all men, no offense intended, ladies -- found a way to create life from their very imaginations? And not just life but a bizarre kind of indestructible life? The cartoons can take no end of punishment and come back for more later -- they are invulnerable and they are fake, yet alive. What kind of nightmare would such a world be? What if you offended one of these people and he doodled a Voltron into existence that had a cock made of living fire? And it stomped your neighborhood to the ground before feeding you to its fire cock, and you had to die inside a cartoon dick oven?
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
The right of the people to keep and bear Dip shall not be infringed.
Now, has your dog ever been stung by a bee? Or your cat? Or any wee beast you take responsibility for? If so, you may already understand my Roger Rabbit connection. Your pet instantly becomes a living cartoon once they've been stung by a bee. And that's terrifying.
Look at some pictures and you may be tempted to titter or guffaw about the whole situation -- aren't they adorable? No. No they aren't. They're creepy. Living cartoons are not adorable. It's the same premise as a living doll like Chucky, something over which man should have dominion that was conceived in our minds but that somehow has come unbound. It's devilish, is what it is. A cat with a bee sting is devilish. But slightly hilarious at the same time.
frazdt / reddit, drew_anywhere / flickr, Fiaxko / reddit, marklyon / reddit
"I know what you're thinking: Did we lose all nine lives, or only eight?"
"Well, to tell you the truth, we're all dead inside, so does it matter?"
It doesn't seem to be too dangerous for the average pet to have a bee sting -- they just swell up like balloons and instill in all of us an existential dread. Not a big deal.
Check out other animal freaks of nature in 9 Animals That Are Just Lazy Combinations of Other Animals and learn how best to avoid fish with human faces in 13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares.
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