Other products this ad would have worked for:

Xanax, becoming a bouncer, designated-driver PSAs, an anti-drum-kit campaign.

The ad:

Heavyweight boxing champion Evander Holyfield takes items out of a Carl's Jr. bag and bites them one by one. A double cheeseburger, a spicy chicken sandwich, and fries: crunch, crunch, crunch!

The reality:

Wow, $4 is a very cheap price for that much- OH DEAR GOD WHY IS THAT BURGER SO CRUNCHY? Listen to the sound they chose to pair with someone biting into a burger. Let it echo in your mind. Imagine eating with a friend and their bite into a burger sounding like that. Are the next words out of your mouth likely to be, "Oooh, let me try that"? Or, "We need to get you to a hospital"? Holyfield, a fairly tough dude, even appears to wince a little with each bite. Whoever is making these ads is a crunch-sound-obsessed zealot who has lost grip of what it sounds like to bite into human food.

Other products this ad would have worked for:

Fake burgers made out of twigs or glass, chewable Xanax.

The reality:

This is a story of young love overcoming an obstacle, which makes for a heartwarming ad. In this instance, the obstacle is the Apple Watch, the product being advertised. Don't get me wrong, the Apple Watch is useful for plenty of things, like ... hold on ... there's, uh ... OK, maybe we'll come back to that. But certainly the big downside of an Apple Watch would be getting a bright, flashing notification on your wrist when you're right about to smooch someone you want to smooch.

The big selling point of this ad appears to be: "Look how easy it is to ignore this when it ruins moments for you!" Other ads in this series might have a couple about to say "I do," when they get a Seamless notification, so they smash the watch or light it on fire. Or, better yet, a couple that never buys an Apple Watch in the first place and then is conspicuously uninterrupted during their happy moments.

Other products this ad would have worked for:

Gum; a cell jammer; apartments in a pink, featureless void; iXanax

Think about how deep in the advertising rabbit hole you have to be to decide to make a truck commercial that centers on a focus group. The only way that happens is someone in a conference room says, "What sells trucks is manliness." Then someone stands up from their open-floor-plan work area and says, "How do we prove the truck makes you manly?" And then a third person stands up from their office privacy pod, stops eating their Luna bar, and says, "You know you're manly because other people think you're manly. For perception is reality." And then the whole office bows their heads and chants in unison, "Perception is reality," before ordering in sushi burritos for a working lunch.

Chevrolet
"Please hurry and say truck guy looks like he has a bigger dick. My edamame horchata is waiting."

I'd imagine the life of a truck guy has many problems: Everything you do seems to be at the top of a mountain, there's a lot of dust and/or snow everywhere, your voice is so gravelly that when you speak you attract bullfrogs. But I imagine one of the worst things has to be that people might think you got your truck just to seem like a "truck guy," leasing masculinity for $138 a month.

So, we can only conclude that this ad is not targeted at truck guys. Nor is it targeted at guys who want to think they are truck guys. Rather, it is aimed at guys who admit to themselves they merely want to appear like truck guys. "Chevy Colorado: For the man who thinks, 'What would make me seem masculine?' and then focus-groups it."

Other products this ad would have worked for:

Focus group organizers, motorcycles, Xanax, a pet store that sells dangerous pets.

Aaron Kheifets is an occasionally mustachioed comedian, writer, and director. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter, watch his videos, and look at his website.

What do Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson in Taken, and the Dos Equis guy have in common? They're all losers compared to some of the actual badasses from history whom you know nothing about. Come out to the UCB Sunset for another LIVE podcast, April 9 at 7 p.m., where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, and more will get together for an epic competition to find out who was the most hardcore tough guy or tough gal unfairly relegated to the footnotes of history. Get your tickets here!

For more commercials that didn't do anyone involved any favors, check out 7 Sports Stars Who Were In Nightmarishly Bad Commercials, and see the worst (and most phallic) McDonald's commercial ever in 6 Inexplicably Terrifying Commercials For Everyday Products.

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