Rounding up the neighbors was easy enough, but unfortunately, they didn't seem to be too responsive to my suggestions of fun and games. "No, dude," they said, "I really can't play hide and seek with you at 3 a.m. I have work tomorrow." "Why are you doing this to us?" "Please, man. I have children!" Excuses, excuses, excuses. Clearly, they were as out of touch with their inner kid as I was before I started this experiment. Maybe I should introduce them to a different childhood hobby? Like, say, RC cars. I used to have a bunch of those as a kid, didn't I? Maybe I'll rig one up and show it to my new friends.
I'll show them, all right. I'll show them all.
Ahahaha. Aaahhahahahha. HAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Vyacheslav Orlov-Yermak/iStock/Getty Images
Cold wind blew through the streets of the small, Pacific Northwest town that we're unable to name for legal reasons. Deputy Nielsen entered the Sheriff's office, glad to get out of the unforgiving yet polite gust blowing from Canada.
"Anything new, Bob?" he asked his colleague -- who, Nielsen couldn't help noticing, was looking paler than usual.
"Not really," Bob replied. "Well ... except for one thing. We have another Cracked columnist in the cells."
Nielsen sighed. "Goddammit. Please don't tell me it's Bucholz again. I still haven't found all the fake dog balls from the time he dumped industrial amounts of Neuticles all over my house."
"No, it's the screaming European one with the name like an explosion in a diphthong factory. He's been playing D&D again, insists I call him 'Geoffrey the Great' and keeps proclaiming that he's busting out of here any second now because he rolled a 98."
"Fuck! The 'reliving childhood hobbies' routine again? How many neighbors did he kidnap this time?"
"Just six. Strapped them into a remote-controlled, pimped-up Honda Civic and revved it all across the West Coast. They managed to escape just before he inevitably crashed it."
"Well, that's a relief. At least it's not Brockway this time. They just finished rebuilding the town hall from the time he decided he was Conan the Barbarian."
"Yeah, uh, about that ..."
There was a long silence. "He crashed the car into the town hall, didn't he?"
Nielsen buried his head in his hands. "Why do they keep coming here, Bob? Their office is in California, for fuck's sake!"
"I don't know. I mean, you hear stories. Some say an intern sent them a postcard from here once, with some bullshit quote off a Snapple cap. They thought it was a rite of summoning, and just started wandering here on their off time, one by one. Or maybe their boss just got tired of the insurance costs and just sets them loose on us now every time they start to veer out of control, which is always. By now, I suppose they just think this town is their mommy, or Twin Peaks or whatever."
"Right." With the quiet grace of a man carrying the world on his shoulders, Nielsen checked his watch and stood up. "Well, I suppose we have a job to do. Let's head out ... oh, and let's call and warn the fire department while we're at it."
"Wait, there's a fire?"
"No, but you know how good this guy is at fashioning lock picks out of earwax. He's long escaped by now, and the next item on his list is ... water pistols."
"Fuck a duck. You know, dude, I think I'm getting too old for this shit."
"Come on, Bob. We've been through this a hundred times before. All we need to do is keep him occupied for a while until he forgets where he is, decides to write a column about "The 5 Best Ways to Jump-Kick Bears," and wanders off to do research."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. This should be routine for us by now. Besides, I only have three weeks until retirement. Whatever could go wrong?"
The deputies turned to the door, squared their shoulders, and stepped out into the harsh wind. The first blast from the fire hose caught them before they'd crossed the street.
The hobbies Pauli loved as a child have evolved since he last saw them. See how music gets mashed up with video games with a Nintendo a capella in 5 Dorky Hobbies Taken To Badass Extremes. Not all kids enjoy dorky hobbies, though. Some like wrestling alligators. Read which kids stare down death for recreation in 4 Terrifying Children's Hobbies From Around The World.
Is your hobby watching television? Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see how basically all TV comedies are the same, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook, because going outside to do sports stuff is way overrated.