Like most people, I grew up idolizing pop culture, candy and womenâs shoes. But as time went on I grew older and wiser and came to the sad realization that many of my heroes were nothing more than smoke and mirrors that sometimes had a penchant for masturbating in adult theaters. The truth is rough. And for that reason I figured I owed it to myself and all the disenfranchised youths of the world who grew up to learn that they could never become a member of GI Joe no matter how hard they tried to teach those bastards a lesson. The thing about taking on your childhood hopes and dreams is that, arguably, you are never prepared for that. Have you ever successfully fought the Harlem Globetrotters? Donât make me laugh. No, for this, serious and focused training would be in order. Luckily, as an Internet comedy writer, I have nothing but loneliness and free time, so arranging this was not a problem.
Iâm gonna kick you right in your hairy chest box. Pussy.I did some Googling to find some cryptozoologists, the people who study things like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster while pretending to be actual scientists and not just despicable frauds who waste other peopleâs valuable time. Once I found one willing to talk to me on the phone, I laid it out bluntly: How can I kill Bigfoot with my bare hands, or at least mess him up real bad? My cryptozoologist friend began explaining how Bigfoot is obviously a very endangered and peaceful being of high intelligence. I had to cut him off. I donât give a fig if heâs the hairy, bastard child of Stephen Hawking and Mother Theresa, the son of a bitch stole my hopes and dreams and heâll be lucky if he gets away with a black eye and some ball kicks. I was hung up on. A guy who pretends to study Bigfoot for a living was too professional to continue our discussion. This Bigfoot rabbit hole full of bullshit goes very deep. Regardless, once the ninja stars I ordered off the Internet show up heâs going to wish he never existed. Which he doesnât.
Man, that is one wicked huge gunt.The entire Garfield house of cards came crashing down with that one, simple question. Why, Jon? Why the fuck do you make lasagna when you know your cat, the one who has thumbs and a fairly extensive vocabulary, is going to take it and eat it? Heâs been doing it since the 1970s. I had felt a kinship with Jon and it was only because I was eight-years old and had no idea that the same thing told 100 different ways isnât funny. Jon had no depth. He had no soul. It was no different than falling in love with an inflatable woman, something Iâll never do again after Patrice.
Spam? This ainât the Ritz.Heâd plop his congealed pork atrocity on a plate and proceed to make about four sandwiches. And then he would take them to the bathroom and when he emerged, an hour or so later, there would be no indication any sandwiches had ever existed. I canât say how much this influenced my idolization of Mr. Alex Trebek, but his confident mustache and seemingly endless knowledge of trivia made me want to go live with him.
Wait here, son. Iâm about to pork your mother.The odds that Trebek doesnât eat sandwiches on the toilet are frankly astronomical. You know how I know this? Alex Trebek has a goddamn degree in philosophy. Heâs me. Without a mustache. Vengeance To the best of my knowledge, the only thing that angers Alex Trebek is when you staunchly refuse to answer in the form of a question. Listen, if itâs an answer, it shouldnât even be a question. Have you ever had to deal with someone who answers your questions with more questions? Itâs the most infuriating shit in the world.
Oh, Lou Diamond Phillips, your ambiguous ethnicity makes everything better.Worse than the movies themselves was the scarring betrayal I ended up taking away from the films. Why was Johnny 5 funny? He wasnât, man. He stole all his best routines from TV and books. He was a 1980s Carlos Mencia on treads. Setting a child up to emulate that is like, I dunno, kicking him in the head. Would you kick your kidâs melon? Thatâs a really shitty thing to do. Vengeance This was a tough pill to swallow but it turns out that the universe meted out its own justice in this case. Steve Guttenberg, my likeliest target, starred in a movie called Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus which I looked up on YouTube and was going to link here but my conscience refused to let me do it. It co-stars Crystal Bernard, who you probably donât remember from Wings and Armin Shimerman, the comedy relief on Deep Space 9. There are movies with worse casts but they generally end in an onscreen murder and a follow up investigation by the FBI. You can actually watch the whole thing in 10 parts and each part is inexplicably worse than every other part. Thatâs not even logically possible and yet here were are. Iâd dare you to try to sit through more than a minute of the first part but really, thereâs no point. Vengeance has already been taken. Let it rest.
Pictured: Justice.The Heartbreak You literally cannot blow up a moving vehicle that is full of people without seriously, seriously injuring someone. You just canât. Hannibal and the boys sent Jeep loads of nameless thugs careening off piers and through burning warehouses all the time and for whatever reason, NBC never showed the mangled remains and bloodied, charred torsos that should have been dogging this crew of âwrongly accusedâ ex-military men at every turn. In fact, if youâre wrongly accused of a crime, probably the worst thing you can do is blow shit up to prove how innocent you are. Thatâs extremely unacceptable behavior, it really is. Vengeance Hereâs a dilly of a pickle: If the A-team tried to convince me that the best way to make the world a better place is by exploding new assholes in all the bad people in the world, how do I let them know their hamfisted approach to justice is one dimensional at best without resorting to similar, ill-conceived tactics?
Did someone just say hamfisted and one dimensional?I would have to show the A-team the error of their ways by proving the pen is mightier than the sword. I would write a scathing missive, summoning all the journalistic integrity and skill I have honed from years of writing about boners and 80s nostalgia, and fire it off to the head honcho himself, John âHannibalâ Smith. It was merely a day after I mailed my 33 page epic that covered topics ranging from violence in American media to Communism, arms proliferation, ontology and, yes, boobs, that I was informed George Peppard had been dead since 1994. Fuck.
There are gaps in the fictional universe that multiply from one film to the next.
Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.
Given everything we know, there's cause to be worried about these movies.
There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.