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Vladimir Putin Was Just Joking About Envying A Serial Rapist

When you think of hilarity in its purest form, you may think of the works of Chaplin, Shakespeare's bawdy humor, George Carlin's stand-up, or the ripping good comedy stylings of Russian President Vladimir Putin. He's the Russian answer to Yakov Smirnoff! And there is no subject too edgy for him, either. For example, did you know that Putin made jokes about a serial rapist? Get ready to chuckle!

Back in 2006, Israeli President Moshe Katsav was accused of sexual assault and rape by ten different women. Five of the accusations were beyond the statute of limitations, but Katsav was found guilty of the other five. So naturally, Putin observed that he didn't look like the kind of guy who could get with ten women! Zing!

I have started a new paragraph so that you could use the gap in between to laugh. If that didn't hit home for you, here's another knee-slapper from Putin: "What a mighty man he turns out to be! He raped ten women -- I would never have expected this from him. He surprised us all -- we all envy him!"

A couple of years later, he made an off-the-cuff comment about Hillary Clinton: "A head of state should have a head." But wait, I'm pretty sure Hillary already has a head. She does, right? I'm ... I'm not crazy? Oh wait, that's not the head he's talking about. It's a dick joke! Because she's a woman! Penis!

The Kremlin probably doesn't have a ton of shits to give about Putin offending people out in the world, but for the sake of at least keeping up the pretense that he's a human and not a lizard man bent on world domination, they offered up an explanation of his uncouth remarks: "Sometimes translation from Russian into English does not reflect the essence of a joke. This was such a case." So now I'm worried that if you run this article through Google Translate, Russians are going to get a version in which I praise animal fucking or something.

By the way, Putin speaks fluent English, so if he wanted to ever clarify his remarks, he's perfectly capable of doing so.

3

George H.W. Bush's Favorite Joke Is Grabbing Women's Asses

Speaking of presidents who are commanders in chief of being shitty, do you remember George Bush? The older, 1.0 version? In his later years, H.W., like most former presidents, has attained a bit of a veneer of respectability. It's like reflecting on a movie you liked as a child -- your memories are warm and fuzzy, though the reality is that the movie sucked balls. Sucked balls like George H.W. Bush seems to.

2

Matt Wuerker Makes Fun Of Texas Flood Victims

After Hurricane Harvey laid waste to Texas, the efforts to rescue the people left stranded in the flooding was a massive effort that took a hell of a lot of time and money. So Politico ran a cartoon by Matt Wuerker that featured flood victims as Bible-thumping morons. LOL!

The cartoon hits all the important bases for making a dumbass joke about Texas. One person is wearing a Confederate flag shirt, they have a "secede" sign on the roof, the rattlesnake-bearing Gadsden flag is flying, and the proud Texan is thanking God for being saved from the floods while a Coast Guard rescuer corrects him by saying it was the government, not God, that saved the day. If that isn't the driest goddamn breakdown of comedy you've ever read, then by all means, pick up my 40,000-word essay on ducks walking into bars titled "Put It On My Bill: On Game Fowl And Alcoholism In A Postmodern World."

1

Andy Dick Assaults And Harasses For The Laughs

I'm so sorry to have to be writing about Andy Dick. Like the Bye Bye Man, he may only exist as long as people keep saying or thinking his name. Also like the Bye Bye Man, he sucks. Dick has a long, lurid history of sexual assault and harassment in Hollywood. It's like he was assembled from poor decisions and grossness and then put on NewsRadio to balance an otherwise-humorous cast with a shit goblin.

In 2005, Dick was tossed out of a comedy club for dropping trou on stage and exposing himself. In 2006, he licked a number of celebrities at a roast, and actually bit Mandy Stadtmiller. The next year, he literally had to be removed from Jimmy Kimmel's show after he wouldn't stop touching Ivanka Trump. And hate a Trump all you want, but do it with your words, like a civilized human being.

This article will bloat to a few thousand words if we account for all the times he's been accused of exposing himself or groping others, so we'll just jump forward to 2017 when Dick got fired from a pair of indie films after new allegations of abuse. According to reports, at least four people accused Dick of groping their genitals, licking and kissing them, and/or propositioning them sexually.

So how does a man with a long, uncontested history of gross behavior respond? He said that, "I don't grope people anymore. I don't expose myself anymore," which is a hell of a sad statement to make, followed by the admission that he does lick people, but "It's me being funny. I'm not trying to sexually harass people."

Ha ha, don't you get it? When serial harasser and sexual assaulter Andy Dick -- who is so well-known for this behavior that they made a movie called Everybody Has An Andy Dick Story -- licks your face, it's not assault or harassment. It's comedy! Someone bang a cymbal, we need a rim shot.

Want to make jokes that aren't excuses for being awful? Here's a fart machine!

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Check out Robert Evans' A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, a celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time.