Let's try to imagine the arrogance of a man who approved the idea of selling autographed copies of the U.S. Constitution for $1,000. You can read the entire Constitution online for free. If you are the kind of person who just has to have it in their back pocket at all times, then you can buy copies for as little as one cent. So basically, Paul is saying that his signature is worth $999.99.
This is a man whose greatest career accomplishment is being Ron Paul's son. Ron Paul's biggest achievement is giving a hard-on to that libertarian guy you went to high school with every time his name shows up on his Facebook feed. Rand Paul, this walking monument to irrelevance, believes his name is worthy of being scribbled across the cover of the U.S. Constitution, as if he secluded himself in a cabin to write the thing by himself with a quill pen and the dream of a better kind of government.
Let's put it this way: If you were thinking of backing a Kickstarter, and the reward for pledging $1,000 was a book signed by a random person who likes the book but didn't actually write it, you would report that fucker to the Kickstarter police.
There's only one thing that can save this: signature quality. Our founding fathers had some nice signatures. Who can forget the lofty standard set by John Hancock's bold and beautiful signature on the Declaration of Independence?
So Rand, I'm ready to be wowed by your astounding signature, which no doubt deserves to be emblazoned across one of the most important documents in U.S. history and sold for $1,000.
Oh fuck off, Rand.
Luis, shockingly, could find nothing interesting in the online stores of Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders. For this, he apologizes. You can find pictures of Luis adorned in Ted Cruz's football collection on Twitter, Tumblr, and on Facebook.
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