That's the problem with Senator Marco Rubio's "Ru(BAE)o" T-shirt. With it, he's trying to convince America that he's the super-cool young hotshot senator who'll get the kids out to "Rock the Vote" come November, just like Obama did in 2008. The problem is that Rubio is completely devoid of even a shred of Obama's charisma, charm, and youthful exuberance.

Politicians generally aren't cool. That's especially so for Republicans, who usually seem like human versions of the town that hates dancing from Footloose. When people think of modern cool, they usually don't think, "Oh, those guys who hate gay people and want to control women's access to personal medical decisions? They're awesome! I love it when they whip and nae nae while gerrymandering minority communities into irrelevance!"

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At least it explains the constant need to rehydrate.

The very groups the GOP is alienating are the arbiters of modern cool. Hip-hop slang twisted and tortured into puny slogans will not convince them you give a shit about their well-being.

Except there's no evidence of Jeb having said that to anyone before the shirt was up for sale. That's ... bizarre for a message that aggressively specific, right? Jeb, now that you have the free time, I'm begging you to answer this: Who the hell were you threatening?!

Even his logo was an unnecessary verbal assault.

There's an instinct to shout "NO ONE TARNISHES THE NAME OF MY DEAR OLD PAPPY!" like a cowboy reaching for his six-shooter when a parent is being defamed. But no one did that. And if Jeb's horrendous family legacy really was his biggest weakness, then WHY DID HE PRINT HIS WEAKNESS ON A T-SHIRT?!

Achilles didn't wear a sock with a bullseye on the heel that said, "Aim Here To Defeat Me." Darth Vader never wore a T-shirt with the Death Star's lone exposed vent on it. With one shirt, Jeb Bush turned himself into an uninspired video game boss with an easy-to-spot weak point. During his final debate before he dropped out, Trump hacked and slashed at that weakness until Jeb's political career died.

But she's also a woman. This means she has an image problem. The public doesn't like women who come off as cold; they look at them and see their own unloving mothers who always kept them at arm's length. So Hillary has been faced with a choice: be more human or be labeled an ice wraith and lose all elections forever.

She made her choice. From atop of her mountain of Republican skulls, Hillary Clinton roared her command: "UNLEASH THE SELF-DEPRECATING BEER CAN HOLDERS!"

Hopefully, the "Chillary Clinton" beer can holder was the result of a sassy campaign consultant whose job description is "Chief Officer of Keeping it Real" saying, "You gotta own it, grrrrl!" If the beer koozie doesn't get the message of a softened personality across to voters, look out for her "Hillary Clinton and the Congressional Funkadelic" bong and her "Ha-Ha! Human Laughter, Yes?" whoopee cushions.

A little drink sweater probably won't change anyone's mind about Clinton's likability, but at least she knows what real Americans care about -- namely, the pain we feel when our hands get too cold while holding a beer.

From pages like this, I can surmise that Cruz genuinely believes the complexity of his platform can be boiled down to a picture book. This is one of the most important jobs on Earth, and the resume he turns in for the interview is something that could be found next to the word search on a Denny's place mat.

Wait, is he heiling Hitler or using The Force to get his bus out of the Dagobah swamp?

This oversimplification of how to run a country has been a recurring theme for the GOP for a while now. Remember when Obama was trying to get the healthcare law passed and Republicans wouldn't stop talking about how looooong the bill was? And then when Herman Cain was running, he said he wouldn't sign a bill into law if it ran more than three pages? That same dipshit philosophy is still alive, and has been made worse by Cruz's coloring book.

You don't need to hear him speak. You don't need to read an in-depth explanation of his views. Just use your crayons to bring to life a Ted Cruz speech that could actually convince you to vote for him, because he probably can't do that himself. Or if that's too hard, have your kids do the coloring and explain it all to you when they are done.

And kudos to the artist for capturing the weird vibe he emits that makes looking at him feel like I'm being talked down to by a megachurch pastor who settles all his sexual harassment lawsuits out of court.