4

SunTrust Laid Off People And Still Expected Them To Work

Layoffs suck. As a writer, I know that just about better than anyone. However, if you desperately wanted to find a silver lining to this cloud of s**t, you could say that at least you'll have a few days to anxiously relax in your sweatpants. But dozens of IT employees for SunTrust Bank didn't even get that, as they were crotch-punched right into a zone of being both laid off and expected to keep working.

About 100 IT employees were laid off from SunTrust in 2015 because the company was moving the work "offshore," which is corporate speak for "We found a way to exploit someone else for way cheaper." Those 100 workers were offered a severance package, but it did come with some stipulations. If they wanted their severance, they had to make themselves available for two whole years after they were let go to do work, either over the phone or in person, with no additional compensation. What a deal!

3

Companies Direct Their Hungry Employees To Food Banks

After non-medical staff at University of Pittsburgh Medical Center went public about their desire to unionize with tales of low wages, one particular employee mentioned she needed to use a food bank to help feed her family. UPMC apparently only heard the "food bank" part of her statement, because they responded by making sure that the employee was first to know about the new food bank that they'd set up just in time for Thanksgiving! Most importantly, the food bank is one that asks other poor employees for donations.

I mean, how else can a huge organization make sure their employees can buy food? Isn't that what second jobs are for? Not that this is an isolated incident. No bad practice can be isolated as long as Walmart exists. One of their Ohio stores put on a canned food drive to help their employees, producing that double-edged sword of "It's good that I'll have food when I need it, but it's bad that I have to rely on my employer arranging charity for me to get it instead of paying me a living wage."

2

Walmart Tried To Turn Its Employees Into Delivery Drivers

Might as well stick with Walmart for the moment. The corporate overlords there couldn't help but notice how Amazon is finding new and innovative ways to cut costs by screwing its employees. So why not just leech off their home delivery system? Problem: Walmart isn't set up to copy something like that on a massive scale. Solution: something really f*****g stupid and mean.

The Walmart cabal was quick to deduce two very important facts. For one, there's a Walmart within ten miles of 90 percent of the entire population of the United States, and for two, all of their employees, despite Walmart's best efforts, are allowed to go home at night. That means people are constantly driving away from Walmart toward potential customers. So why not just get them to drop s**t off on the way?

Walmart's plan was that their employees, at the end of their usual shift, would use their own cars and their own insurance to deliver s**t other people had ordered that was more or less on their way home from work. Shockingly, workers hated the dogshit idea of doing extra work for nearly no additional pay, with no clear idea of what would happen if an accident occurred. Luckily the plan was soon shuttered, presumably after a Walmart executive woke up covered in sweat, shocked to find that all of the Christmas ghosts had visited in a single night.

1

A Company Tried To Illegally Use Its Employees' DNA

Everyone likes workplace drama, as it's what stops you from lighting your hair on fire and headbutting coworkers until they have a your-face-shaped bruise on their face. But what happens when s**t goes down at work and you get blamed for it, even though it wasn't your fault? And what if the s**t that went down was a literal s**t? If you're Atlas Logistics Group Retail Services, you become s**t Detectives.

Jack Lowe and Dennis Reynolds had to sue Atlas Logistics after the company forced both men to undergo a cheek swab in order to have their DNA tested against a sample the company already had on hand. And where did the company get the aforementioned sample? From the loaves of poop someone left on the floor of a warehouse. Some phantom ass bandit was pooping around the workplace, and because both Lowe and Reynolds' schedules matched up with the Time of Turd, the amateur Poop Constables had both men swabbed.

Of course, the tests didn't provide a match, and both employees sued the company, because there's actually a law that prevents businesses from using your DNA against you in hiring and firing. The company offered $200,000 to each wrongly accused s**t shooter, but they ended up winning over $2 million. The lesson here is that no, your boss does not have the right to harvest your genetic material just because someone baked some biscuits on the loading dock.

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