James C. Mutter / Wiki Commons
Sticking with Dr. Matlock, there's this handy procedure, which he calls "mons pubis labia majora liposuction," because he has to maintain a professional demeanor and not giggle uncontrollably when he works on patients. I'm not bound by that Hypnochronic Oath, however, so I can call it Camel Toe Lipo and giggle like a schoolgirl who got extra gas at the dentist.
According to Matlock's website, "Fatty accumulation in [the lady zones] can create aesthetic issues in clothing, undergarments, bathing suits, and when nude." Basically, he's saying some ladies feel that their meat curtains are so robust that they show up through a layer of denim, and this is embarrassing to them. Guys, if you're not sure how this works, try to imagine your ball sack after a few wasps sting it, so it's all swollen and awkward, and maybe your one ball keeps disappearing in there somewhere like they do sometimes, and you just don't have the confidence in your sack that you want to have, especially when it's so huge that everyone's looking at it.
CarolinaUmberto / pixabay
"Oh, God! Let them sting our eyes!"
Personally, I like a stout vagina -- the kind that can carry luggage and order for itself in restaurants. But I guess society has convinced some of us that a petite and lipless Ray-Liotta-mouth-like vagina is the way to go. Hey, whatever makes you comfortable. Shrink it down to a wizened husk if that's the only way it'll fit into your jeans, but let me just say this: You can still buy bigger jeans.
Gordon Correll / Wiki Commons
This is now what you'll see every time you lap up your lady's special buddy. You're welcome.
The procedure works much the way any liposuction works. The doctor bops your noggin with a mallet, and then they hook a vacuum up to your problem areas until the internal bag is filled with fat, which is then sold to Brad Pitt to make soap. Also, one website suggests that you get a local anesthetic and an injection of some substance that makes your fat a little more oozy. Then it's Slurpee time! A little poke here and a jab there, and Dr. Matlock turns your Macy's Thanksgiving float into a more manageable everyday float.
Herecomesdoc / Wiki Commons
Or they can transfer the fat elsewhere, putting your lower lips into your upper ones.
As a fun tangent, it was at this point in my research that I noticed that Dr. Matlock offers a before-and-after photo gallery of pretty much every procedure he performs. Let me just say, on behalf of anyone who hasn't seen a plethora of vaginas deemed in need of elective, purely aesthetic surgical procedures: wow. Wow and a half, in fact. When you think of a vagina, you generally have a pretty general idea of what that is. But man, when you look at the galleries, you appreciate how much like a dog a vagina is (go with me on this). All dogs are said to come originally from wolves, but try to wrap your head around how that's possible when you compare a chihuahua to a Great Dane to a bulldog. Now imagine that sleek wolf is your general impression of vaginas, and man, there's a whole Westminster show out there. I hope that wasn't nearly as offensive as it so obviously is.