Ahh, just kidding! The Sutherland Springs shooting happened the very next day, and the bullshit happened all over again.
Related: The 36 Weirdest Conspiracy Theories On The Internet
Bitcoin Is A Conduit For Alien Messages From The Future
Right now you might be thinking, "GOD, CRACKED. STOP GETTING SO POLITICAL." Well good news for you, because we're ditching politics and heading into an even more serious subject: how aliens are fucking up our cryptocurrencies. See, according to the crazier subsection of those willing to explore the art of magic internet money, Bitcoin is proof of artificial intelligence and/or aliens and/or time travel.
That seemingly incomprehensible string of numbers and letters is a block of Bitcoin code. And when that 00000000000000000021e800c1e8df51b22c1588e5a624bea17e9faa34b2dc4a block was generated, it created waves in the Bitcoin community that threatened the very fabric of space and time. But why is the code so significant? Ah, well, it has a lot of zeroes, you see, and almost nothing else.
The 18 leading zeros is close to the amount of zeros in the first Bitcoin block ever, the so-called "genesis block": 000000000019d6689c085ae165831e934ff763ae46a2a6c172b3f1b60a8ce26f. Do you see the significance yet? Don't worry, it will all make sense soon. Maybe. The second mind-blowing part of the block was what came right after the zeros: the 21e8. According to stunned Twitter cryptographers, the 21e8 refers to a unified theory of the Universe called "An Exceptionally Simple Theory of Everything."
The logical conclusion from a subset of the Bitcoin community was that the code must be a message from an advanced intelligence/alien from the future. The obvious suspect was Bitcoin's enigmatic founder, Satoshi Nakamoto. After all, no one really knows who (or what!) Nakamoto is. Suspecting that he's a time-traveling
alien robot is on par for people who tend to compare him to God.
Of course, there is the fact that the "simple theory of everything" has largely been ignored by the scientific community. And that the 18 zeros and the reference to e8 aren't exactly a rare occurrence. In fact, that sort of combination of rare code has a probability of occurring about once a year. So once a year, we either have something relatively common happening, or we're getting messages that the creator of Bitcoin is an extraterrestrial time traveler. Honestly, this one could go either way.
Related: 5 Boneheaded Conspiracy Theories You Had No Clue Existed
California's Wildfire Epidemic Is Being Caused By Space Lasers
Without exaggerating, it's safe to say that California has become a raging furnace of never-ending hellfire, as 2017 and 2018 were the state's worst wildfire years on record. And after years of drought, and with more and more people moving into fire-prone areas, it makes sense that fires are more deadly and costly than ever. Yeah, makes sense to a TOTAL IDIOT. It's really being caused by directed energy weapons, aka DEW, aka motherfucking space lasers.
Directed energy weapon conspiracy theorists (hitherto referred to as DEWbags) believe that somebody (the government, Russia, Illuminati, etc.) has commanded giant lasers to vaporize various small-town suburbs and surrounding forests. And to be fair, the concept of directed energy weapons is not entirely out of the realm of possibility. The technology does exist. However, it's not up to the doomsday standards that theorists think it is.
Most of their evidence, which is frequently delivered in rambling, overlong YouTube videos, is based around how some stuff on the ground appears burned and other stuff ... burned ... less? Like a metal guardrail might be heavily burnt, but a tree nearby may only be ridiculously charred. This kind of thinking leads some people to the conclusion that the lasers are microwave or electromagnetically guided, and thus work way better on metal, or whatever element happens to fit the theorist's particular obsession at the time.
You might be trying to figure this out yourself now, but please don't, as this is just a subgenre of the "CAN IT MELT STEEL BEAMS?" argument that's been floating around since 9/11, the Citizen Kane of conspiracy theory subjects. All of this also implies that humans need even more help starting wildfires, despite the fact that we're responsible for 84 percent of them. Just leave us be for a bit and we'll be sure to set something ablaze.
But of course, that's why conspiracy theories exist. It's depressing to think that kind of destruction could be the almost random result of an elderly couple getting a flat tire and accidentally sparking up some nearby dry brush in their attempt to fix it. No! It was a super cool space-based death ray! Pew! Pew!
Boone Ashworth has his own website, like an adult. There's really no reason to follow him on Twitter. Oh, but if you want to donate to help fire victims, you should definitely do that here.
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
We totally understand if after reading this stuff you need a stress ball or 12.
For more, check out The Truth Behind Every Internet Conspiracy Theory:
The truth is out there ... on our Facebook Page.