The man-tree in question did crack the windshield and damage the front of the vehicle, and the bike scraped along under the car for quite a distance, but the driver's excuse was that the soundproofing in her Lexus was so good that she thought the sounds she heard were just more pieces of the tree branch being dragged. So she went home and went to bed.
When she woke up the next day, the car had been towed away, and later she was charged with inconsiderate driving, which is the best name ever for a crime that includes running a man over and leaving him on the side of the road. Even better than that, however, is that she served no jail time, as the judge was convinced that she really did think it was a tree branch so it's not her fault that she left the scene.
Do you have a grandmother? Have you ever noticed -- and this just stays between us, so don't feel bad or awkward -- but have you ever noticed that sometimes, especially when she's crossing a street at 8:30 in the morning, your grandma looks like a can of garbage? I mean, what's up with that? Ol' Granny Trash Can. That's what the neighborhood kids probably call her, right? Her and her trash-can looks? Always looking like a trash can when she crosses the street, the way trash cans do? Right?
OK, so what happened is this: Nick Drossos was up all night doing coke and drinking. I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. He inexplicably sobered up, and the fact he was drunk and high the night before literally has no relevance to this story. Why did the news share it while simultaneously acknowledging his blood-alcohol was within the legal limit at only .03? Because that's how the media works? Who knows, but this guy was enough of a scumbag without insinuating he was wasted or otherwise unable to control his actions.
"Was Sober Nick affected by Drunk Nick's gas station burritos from the night before?
Our theory, tonight at 11."
Anyway, legally sober Nick Drossos was driving along at 8:30 a.m., taking his girlfriend home, when he saw what he assumed was a trash can walking across the road. I can't stress this enough -- he thought it was a trash can. Crossing the road. As one is wont to do when sober and level-headed, he just ran that trash can the fuck over and continued on his way.
Drossos, whose license had been suspended several times in the past and was actually suspended at the time of the accident, has a history of violations including DUI and speeding, as well as driving with a suspended license. He was pulled over not for the accident itself but for making an illegal turn in front of the cops, who then noticed that his car was literally splattered with blood and one of his victim's coat buttons was embedded in his windshield, because he'd run her over with enough force to turn her coat buttons into deadly projectiles. And he still stuck with his garbage-can story.
Boris Kaulin/iStock/Getty Images
Once again, he soberly believed this was a reasonable story.
Needless to say, no one cared that he thought the 83-year-old lady he killed was trash, and he was charged with criminally negligent homicide.
For more from Felix, check out 7 Insane Obituaries You Won't Believe Are About Real People and 6 Ways ISIS Is Crazier Than You Thought.
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