Brendan: Hey there, fellow Irish-Americans! Want to connect to your lost culture liver-first? Too bad! They're all owned by beer's three remaining macro-brewers: English Diageo, Belgian Anheuser-Busch InBev, and even more Belgian Heineken. That's why Guinness is the perfect drink for St. Patrick's Day. Like us, it hasn't been truly Irish for decades.
Besides, Guinness is creamy and delicious. It's obsidian beauty with white piping, a classic like a tuxedo or whitewall tires.
Luke: Of course you should enjoy a pint of Guinness. But don't let them take the entire Irish-American-alcoholic-economic output. Which has to be enough to fund a small revolution by now. (Hell, "Drunk Irish-Americans in bars" managed to fund a terrorist organization over here for decades.)
Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Two if you count American tourists in Ireland.
Luke: The only revolution we're interested in foreigners funding these days is in craft brewing. If you see another Irish drink, try it!