Anyway, my epic adventure began when my attempt to see John the Baptist was brought to a screeching halt by a log in the road.
Now I understand why the Bible's always going on about enduring suffering.
Well, I guess I'm doomed to the eternal fires of hell. Unless I walk around it, or step over it, or ... wait, I have to grab the ax and chop it up? Why? Well, I do that and get to the water, where I can talk to Jesus ... right after I clear out the thorn bushes that are between us, because apparently it's a sin to slightly raise your voice or step around foliage.
It's a little-known fact that Jesus had serious, serious hearing problems.
This isn't the tutorial easing you into the game. This is the whole game. "Learning the story of Jesus" is 1 percent hanging out with Yeshua and 99 percent performing errands for lazy assholes. In the next stage, a woman wants to be baptized by John, but she's too hungry to take the eight steps required. She can't summon the effort to go to the even closer pomegranate trees either, so you need to pick fruit for her. Lady, if you're too lazy to feed yourself, you have problems that baptism isn't going to solve.