5 Baffling Video Games Based on the Bible

Anyway, my epic adventure began when my attempt to see John the Baptist was brought to a screeching halt by a log in the road.

Lightside Games
Now I understand why the Bible's always going on about enduring suffering.

Well, I guess I'm doomed to the eternal fires of hell. Unless I walk around it, or step over it, or ... wait, I have to grab the ax and chop it up? Why? Well, I do that and get to the water, where I can talk to Jesus ... right after I clear out the thorn bushes that are between us, because apparently it's a sin to slightly raise your voice or step around foliage.

Lightside Games
It's a little-known fact that Jesus had serious, serious hearing problems.

This isn't the tutorial easing you into the game. This is the whole game. "Learning the story of Jesus" is 1 percent hanging out with Yeshua and 99 percent performing errands for lazy assholes. In the next stage, a woman wants to be baptized by John, but she's too hungry to take the eight steps required. She can't summon the effort to go to the even closer pomegranate trees either, so you need to pick fruit for her. Lady, if you're too lazy to feed yourself, you have problems that baptism isn't going to solve.

Apparently Jesus has been slacking, because no one in the game is aware that sloth is a sin. "Pick up the pebbles that are literally at my feet for me." "Ugh, those herbs are, like, inches away. Little help?" "Hi, we fish for a living. Can you fix our boats for us, man who knows nothing about boats?"

Lightside Games
"And get us all some lemonade. Mm, yeah. Lemonade."

See the "50" in the bottom left? That's how much crap I have to pick up to complete this level. It's too bad I only have 22 lightning bolts' worth of energy to do so, because no one else in the Holy Land bothers to do any work when the Sucker of Galilee can do it for them. So, like every Facebook game, you have to either come back hours later or throw down real money to keep playing. Remember, gamers, Jesus loves all of you. But he loves those of you with expendable income more.

When you finally reach the odd moments involving Jesus, it's hard to take him seriously, because look at him:

Lightside Games

He doesn't look like the son of God being tempted by Satan in the desert; he looks like Zach Galifianakis being tempted into a strip club by Ryan Reynolds. The characters are too cartoonish, like stereotypes of what game characters actually look like.

Lightside Games
"Dagnabbit, that mean ol' centurion's crucified someone again!"

You do nothing but spend the whole game trying to keep Israel tidy, like it's one giant living room. I'm pretty sure this was an indentured servitude simulator before they decided to throw Jesus in.

Jesus of Nazareth recreates the feel of biblical times by being a text adventure, the gaming world's equivalent of ancient days.

Paul Allen Panks
"And Jesus did preach: Be wary when it is pitch black, for it is likely you will be eaten by grues."

Your goal as Jesus is to convert six disciples to your cause. You accomplish this by aiding people in their time of need, by which I mean Andrew or John or Billy (were they all disciples? I'm not very religious) will ask you to bring them an item, like a fish. You will then wander Galilee at random, occasionally climbing the odd tree for the heck of it, until you find said fish (it wasn't in the tree). Upon your return, the quest giver will be overwhelmed by the miraculous delivery time of God's courier and pledge their allegiance. For surely even the most hardcore atheist knows well the story of how Jesus spent his life putzing about and recruiting followers with small bribes they could have easily picked up themselves if they weren't a bunch of lazy beatniks.

Paul Allen Panks
Chick saints and their jewelry, am I right, men?

Jesus of Nazareth further departs from biblical canon by allowing you to convert Herod Antipas, who, for the benefit of those who slept through Sunday school, was partially responsible for the execution of Jesus and John. So, how do you convert this sinner to the path of righteousness? Give him a really nice fish? Nope, you kill a rebel who's been causing him problems. Yes, this just became Assassin Jesus' Creed.

Dmitry Kalinovsky/iStock/Getty Images
"Those who live by the sword will die by my sword."

You can actually attack anyone you encounter, which seems both ungodly and more than a little dickish. Regardless of your religious beliefs, it's a little uncomfortable to make the Lamb of God beat the shit out of some centurion who was just minding his own business. The game actually has a full-on battle system, albeit one that apparently decides fights at random. And if you die, you're dead for good, which is bullshit because you're Jesus.

Paul Allen Panks
Being the son of God gave Jesus a +50 HP buff.

So this is basically a game about Jesus bribing people into following him and killing those he can't convert, which I'm pretty sure makes him more of a gangster than a preacher. And if you're going to take that approach, you might as well go all the way and make Grand Theft Camel.

Hey, wow, Ike Broflovski has his very own game and is the son of God. Joseph looks baffled by what he's seeing, and I don't blame him. Jesus definitely takes after Mary, Virgin of Facial Expressions.

But to be fair, plenty of classic video games aren't visually appealing. And Jesus Christ RPG is inspired by one of the most classic franchises of all, Final Fantasy. Unfortunately, Final Fantasy games are largely about stabbing and setting fire to hordes of monsters, while Jesus only killed, like, three cactuars and a tonberry (that we know of). If your assumption is that the game uses the standard RPG model to focus on storytelling and dialogue while keeping combat to a minimum, you haven't been paying attention to this article. Come on, get your shit together. Like Mary does:

WholeTone Games

Yes, the first game of the trilogy, Baby Jesus Christ RPG, begins with Saint Mary buying a battle saw. That's ... not a thing, but the name makes it clear that she's not planning on cutting down trees with it. And thus begins the classic biblical tale of Mary and Joseph journeying to Bethlehem, and also sending several dozen bandits straight to the fires of hell by sawing their heads off.

WholeTone Games
It turns out the real message of the Bible is "don't mess with pregnant women."

After an interlude where you help the three wise men murder the ghost of Zarathustra on their way to Bethlehem (we need a Christmas carol about that), Baby Jesus and his folks flee to Egypt. Despite being less than a day old, Jesus is more than happy to help slaughter every Roman soldier in their way. While you'd assume his move set would be limited to "loud, distracting crying" and "shitting himself," Jesus calls down angels to buff the party with defensive powers. This version of the gospel is basically a recap of a World of Warcraft raid.

WholeTone Games
"And whilst Herod proved a formidable foe, his defeat gave the Messiah truly epic lootz."

The second game in this legendary trilogy features adult Jesus, Simon, Mary Magdalene, and Judas gallivanting about the Holy Land, while the climatic finale sees Jesus being crucified and going to heaven ... and then descending into hell to kick some serious sinner ass, in a very literal and bizarre interpretation of the Harrowing of Hell.

WholeTone Games

The series ends with every demon you've fought through the trilogy merging into a hideous beast, prompting a battle for heaven itself. While this is an admittedly badass conclusion to Jesus' story that would have made me pay way more attention that time I went to church, I'm like 60 percent sure this never happened.

Jesus in Space features Captain Paul Hammer, which is what you get when you combine an apostle with an '80s TV cop; Lieutenant Stu Dent, whose name appears to be some sort of clever reference that I haven't worked out yet; and Shelbot the Overly Brainy Robot, which is a really judgmental name. How appropriate that this game is about Jesus, because poor Shelbot has a cross to bear.

They're on a "Great Commission Adventure" to teach newly discovered worlds the Gospel, which seems like an odd task to assign a child, a psychologically damaged robot, and a captain who looks like he'd rather be teaching the wisdom of James T. Kirk. It isn't as spiritually enlightening, but it will make the lady aliens yell out about God a lot.

Anyway, the first planet they visit is the underwater world of Vet, where players are challenged to explain the concept of baptism to a people who know nothing but water. That's actually pretty cute and clever, and oh shit, these people are direct descendants of the Deep Ones.

Sunday Software
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" John 3:16.

Never mind that using electricity to baptize people in water is pretty much the worst idea short of replacing communion wafers with grenades -- "John" and "Jesus" worship a god alright, but that god is Father Dagon. Only the fact that they look like they're tripping all the balls has prevented them from turning poor Stu Dent (does it mean the character is a Stud? Don't tell me, I want to get it myself) into a watery sacrifice.

Let's move on/escape to planet Whammo. It sounds like a game show, but it's actually a world of robots that Stu teaches about the Last Supper. Which for robots would be, what, oil? Bootleg Game of Thrones downloads?

Sunday Software
"The son of Robot is going to be betrayed into the hands of robot. They will deactivate him,
and after three days he will be reimaged."

They seem harmless at first, but hang on a second. These planets are supposedly newly discovered, and yet there's not a single flesh and blood being on Whammo. So who built the robots, where did they go, and where did those robots get their facial hair? Dear Lord, this is a planet of evangelical Terminators.

The You Testament attempts to answer the question that theologians have debated for centuries: What would the life of a magical douchebag Jesus have been like if the Holy Land was populated entirely by violent schizophrenics with cartoonishly inaccurate proportions?

MDickie
You play as one of the lesser-known disciples, Gladstone.

The You Testament was made by a man whose lack of religious knowledge is matched only by his lack of game design knowledge. It's built with a modified wrestling engine whose character creation tool allows you to create people ranging from Nephilim who would tower over NBA stars to little people short enough to run under Jesus' legs and catch a glimpse of his holy trinity. This wrestling heritage, combined with the fact that the game's creator thinks "AI" stands for "absolute idiocy," means that the citizens of the Holy Land are constantly picking fights and beating the shit out of each other with two-by-fours.

MDickie
Although a surprisingly large part of the Old Testament was Roman soldiers assaulting midgets with anachronistic steel pipes.

But there's more to The You Testament than kicking Jesus in the junk until he threatens to murder you -- you're supposed to follow him around the Holy Land and witness a very loose interpretation of his life. Some errors are minor oversights (Jesus asks you to bring him something to be turned into wine, allowing you to witness the amazing miracle of wine being turned into wine). Other deviations, where Jesus teaches you magic powers, are a little more ... unusual.

MDickie
"Although you have to be, like, super high. Hey, do you have any cookie dough?"

The part of the Bible where Jesus alters his molecular structure to levitate comes right before the part where he teaches his disciples to use the power of their chakras to create swords from thin air, slow down time, and control other people's minds -- the part that exists only in the brain of the developer, right next to the proof that JFK was assassinated by Robo-Hitler. Then things get weird:

MDickie
And then Jesus teaches you kung fu.

This is all part of the developer's belief that Jesus spent his formative years in the East, a theory that will supposedly allow us to unite all world religions and unlock their "inner meanings," which is to "open our third eyes to an inner world" so we can "master the human experience." Those are bold claims from someone who goes on to quote Sylvester Stallone and Eminem on loading screens.

So on one hand, The You Testament claims to help gamers grasp the true meaning of all religions and life itself. On the other hand, it's a game where you can mind control Jesus and make him kick midgets in the face. I know which selling point I'd use.

MDickie
But don't kick too many midgets or a weird bald guy will come troll your crucifixion.

Undaunted by the fact that he's the subject of widespread mockery, the developer went on to make a sequel about the life of Muhammad. I'm sure that offended absolutely nobody whatsoever.

You can read more from Mark, including his proposal for a cooking game about Buddha, on his website.