How This Will Work Out For You:
Even if they one day sort out the kinks of teleportation for real, chances are it will remain one of the most useless superpowers there is. Let's play make-believe and say that science finally manages to cough up a portable device that allows you to teleport Nightcrawler-style, without the assistance of cupboard-sized gizmos that'll probably wind up turning you into a ladybug creature or whatever (Hey, we can't all be Jeff Goldblums). With a power like that, it's absolutely possible to become a hyper-competent warrior-scout, like said Nightcrawler and his dad Azazel in the X-Men franchise. You may even venture a few quick teleports to see what it feels like. And then reality sets in.
20th Century Fox
In reality, this f****r would have been two hands sticking from a tree by the third "bamf."
When was the last time you stubbed a toe? Or bumped into something? Accidentally dropped a coffee cup? That's how aware of your surroundings you are when your body's just hanging around in its natural state. With teleportation, each and every one of those little bumps you take on a daily basis become potentially crippling or even life-ending bullshit. Comic books tend to handwave this with a secondary power called "spatial awareness," but you're not going to have that luxury. Miscalculate your landing point just the tiniest bit, and your foot is a part of the curb. Time a jump wrong in a fight, and your foot and the villain's ass will connect in ways you both could do without. s**t, even knowing your surroundings and controlling your power perfectly is no guarantee of safety. All it takes is one d******k Sunday driver taking a turn into a no-driving area, and boom! You're going to spend the rest of your life as a Hyundai centaur.
Your Future Arch-Nemesis:
IKEA, in the courtroom, for the way they abruptly changed their store layout so that you ended up fusing your right buttock with a Hemnes coffee table while attempting to teleport your way directly to those sweet, sweet Swedish meatballs.
Pauli is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. He has a Facebook page and a Twitter account.
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For more from Pauli, check out 5 Things You Can't F#@k Up (Humanity Has Officially Ruined) and 5 Insane Erotic Toys That Prove We're Overthinking Sex.