If we're about to give Easter the badass overhaul it deserves, the first thing we need is an appropriately awesome mascot. In my opinion, the Easter Bilby is our best bet at the moment. It's different enough from the Easter Bunny, yet familiar enough that it's easy to ease into New Easter without everyone freaking out.
Besides, Easter Bilby costumes are fucking hilarious.
Fire And Witches Everywhere
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As good as a party may get, I think we can all agree it will not go through the roof until two very specific elements are introduced: witches and huge bonfires. W-wait, I didn't mean it that way. Untie that lady right now, Steve! Holy shit, who are you, Tomas de Torquemada?
Fans of Anton-LaVey-style stuff and/or drinking in front of giant firestorms may have heard about Walpurgis Night, an ancient German celebration/terrorfest that aims to scare away witches, who are thought to have their annual WitchCon that night, and might get a little rowdy on their way there. This is achieved by building massive bonfires all over the place and keeping them burning all night, which of course is universal shorthand for "party's on, dudes."
Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Because nothing keeps a witch away like a massive impromptu outdoor party.
Now it just so happens that this bonfires-and-witches culture has also bled over to the Easter traditions of certain countries, such as Sweden and, in a tried-and-true "sure, we guess we can adapt this tradition that gives us an excuse to drink" fashion, Finland. Granted, the tradition is less about rampant partying and more about using the fire as a reason to a laid-back communal get-together, while the kids take care of the witch part of the equation with a coven-themed version of Halloween trick-or-treating.
Daniel MacDonald / www.dmacphoto.com/Moment/
"Cool costume, kid!" "Uh ... right, sure. I am a regular human child and this is a costume."
So the way I see it, here are the options this provides: Either we turn Easter into a huge fire party, or an all-witch Halloween 2 (which is also a fire party). You know what? Let's do this shit. All of this shit. Let this Easter be the one that goes down in history, one in which people wearing witch and bilby costumes drunkenly pelt each other with trick eggs while giant bonfires burn all around us and a Florence-style Explosion Cart spits fireworks across the sky.
Wait, shit. I just turned Easter into Burning Man, didn't I?
Pauli is a Cracked freelance editor and weekly columnist. Join his gang on Facebook and Twitter.
p>For more from Pauli, check out 5 Classic Toys Way More Movie-Worthy Than Transformers and 9 Recipes From the Saddest Cookbook Ever (Tested)
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