5 Bad Sexual Decisions (And Why We Make Them)

About a third of respondents in one study admitted to having sex with their ex after splitting up. The reason? You feel like you lost something, and it helps offset that feeling of loss. And if the two of you aren't 100 percent monster cocks, then you'll both be feeling it and maybe think this is a good idea, ignoring whatever awfulness led you to break up in the first place -- at least for as long as it takes to bump uglies.

Another study points to another seemingly obvious motivation: the hope that it's not really over. Because once something is over, you have a bad habit of selectively remembering the good parts, kind of like the way everyone talks about "the good old days" or the movie Superman Returns.

No-strings-attached sex, anonymous sex, one-night stands, and all that jazz bear the scarlet letter of shame and degradation on a grand societal scale. What woman isn't called a slut by some judgmental dickhead for engaging in such behavior, possibly even by the trash bag she ended up sleeping with? We frown upon it even though studies indicate more than half of us do it. If more than half of people do a thing, it's "the norm."

The motives behind a one-night stand tend to differ between the sexes. In general, you may be surprised to learn that dudes just want to pork. Shocking! Women, while probably also wanting to pork to a greater or lesser degree, also express a desire to feel desired, and an appreciation for the flattery and attention they receive from the person they've elected to rub grundles with. Is the flattery contrived and manipulative toward the goal of that aforementioned pork party? Quite possibly, but it seems like no one really cares. Most women probably aren't convinced that the dude they just met who says they're the most beautiful girl ever really means it. They just like hearing that they're hot and want to get off. So they go with it. Makes sense.

Plus, it's a little thrilling, kind of like being on a sex roller coaster without having to actually have sex on a roller coaster. Which is the most overrated carnival ride to do it on, by the way. Merry-go-round foursomes, that's where it's at.

Despite how everyone ever has been told about a million times about AIDS and HIV and unwanted pregnancy and crabs and herpes and dick-fall-off syndrome, that shit is more popular than caramel corn, which I assume is popular in a sort of mid-range way. Like, not everyone is eating it, but it's not hard to find if you want it. And the problem is that a lot of people don't think they're at risk, so they don't care.

So what makes you risk it all for a little slap-and-tickle? Turns out your brain is an idiot, and self-preservation is easily manipulated by a pretty face. In one study, women were asked to look at photos of different men and rate their willingness to have unprotected sex with them, as well as rate the likelihood that the man had an STD. Based on nothing more than their images, across the board, women assumed the better-looking men were disease-free, and more said they would be willing to have unprotected sex with them. Now, if you do any research into virology, you'll notice there isn't a "sexy barrier" which surrounds the good-looking and keeps them safe from miscellaneous sores.

The most harrowing part of this study was that it was conducted with women. I don't know if there's a parallel study done with men, and I don't need to know. Neither do you, because you know exactly how that would turn out. While a surprising number of women would risk disease for a good-looking dude, assume a large number of men would risk the same for a female who's still breathing.

Prostitution, whether for money or bike repairs, still has a bad reputation, despite the fact that most of us can agree that sex feels good and we should all be free to spend our own money however we see fit. But hey, humanity thrives on hypocritical bullshit, so woo-hoo! Given society's penchant for shitting on prostitutes and their clients, and the fact that it's still very much illegal in many places, and the further complication of the potential for a criminal element being involved with pimps, trafficking, drugs, or zombie crime lords, then you can see why anyone visiting a prostitute is engaging in some kind of risk, even if it's undeserved.

So why is anyone risking jail and social ball-kicking to pay for sex? A surprisingly low number of men actually have paid for sex, with one survey indicating that about 1 percent of the population has done so. And among those, there's a definite profile for hobbyists, the kinds of dudes who regularly pay for sex and actually go to message boards to share info on the subject. These regulars are often married, white, and earning over $120,000 a year. They also don't typically partake in street prostitution, as they find escorts on websites, like proper Millennials. And they don't have much in the line of guilt, either. In so many words, these guys pay for sex because they like it, it's easy, and in their minds, it's perfectly normal.

To put this another way, why would men engage in the risky behavior of soliciting prostitution? They don't, because they don't view it as risky. Oooh, a twist. This column just got Shyamalan'd.

There aren't a whole lot of upsides to having an affair. Sure, you get to experience a fun new slot, nozzle, squirt whistle, crap flap, chowder chute, or salty churro, but you have to do it on the sly, constantly looking over your shoulder. And when the gig is up, at best you ruin a relationship, and at worst all your shit gets lit on fire on the lawn. Or someone cuts a dick off. That happens. More often than you'd think.

Knowing all the downsides to cheating, a logical person might assume the smart thing to do is break up with your significant other and then freely sprinkle your sex musk wherever you please. But that rarely happens. Some research indicates that one half of a couple will have an affair in 60 percent of all couples. That's a pretty significant number for a potentially life-changing act that you willingly commit. Imagine if 60 percent of people in a relationship opted to shit in the Thanksgiving turkey at the in-laws. Not on. In.

Psychologically speaking, the reason someone goes all stupid and has an affair is that they're just really selfish and up their own ass. That's not psychology lingo poetry, but it can be broken down that way. An affair means personal validation. It's what the person having an affair wants to make them feel good about themselves. The other person is almost inconsequential. They tell the cheater they're special, they're sexy, they're smart. And that shit feels good.

Some cheaters will manage to sustain a relationship, and even fall in love with the person they have an affair with, but the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't just based on hurt feelings and a little smoke up the ass. Because even in that new relationship, over time, they're going to want new validation and new exciting feelings, and they'll stray once again. At its core, this behavior is the same kind of stunted shit you see with a spoiled child who gets a new toy and immediately wants the toy the kid next door has instead. Or in more internet terms, when you buy something for the cat and it sits in the box instead. Fucker.

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If you're cat's just gonna sit in the box anyway, why not just make the box furniture? Try a storage ottoman.

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