"Now that you mention it," responds the assailant.
Oh thank God. Thank God the victim in question survived and I don't have to live with the psychic burden of laughing at a fatality. I mean, hopefully he lived and made a full recovery and possibly learned a valuable lesson about the place of skepticism in gang warfare. But at the very least, he lived.
Here's what really gets me:
The headline on the actual news story is nothing special. It's about what you'd expect: "Man Stabbed in the Throat in East Spokane." That's not funny. That's terrible, and I'm sorry it happened to anybody. If you gain any amount of joy from that information, well, hopefully you look like Christian Bale so your psychosis is a bit easier for the audience to swallow.
But that's not the text that the local TV news went with. No, the guy in charge of those pointless info-dumps on your local TV news delved into the depressing details of a knife attack, and he came back up with poetry. You know he wrote it that way on purpose. There are a million ways to phrase the events that transpired that aren't funny in the slightest -- "The victim did not believe the threat was real and questioned his attacker's intent" -- and only one way to phrase it that is funny:
QUOTE FROM MAN STABBED: "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, STAB ME?"
That was some next level shit, slide writer for the local TV news. I hope that as soon as you finished typing that headline, you leveled up out of that job like a Final Fantasy character and went on to write for SNL or something.
Also, let's not overlook the real hero here: the victim. Sure, it's stupid in retrospect, but bravo to the man who saw an assailant wielding a deadly weapon and had the balls to dare him to use it. I mean, when a guy comes at you with a knife and you essentially say "You're not gonna stab me, pussy," what choice does that guy have? What exits have you left him? Maybe he wasn't going to stab you before, but he pretty much has to now.