As Cracked pointed out not too long ago, recent results released by the No Shit Department at the University of Wasted Funding have scientifically validated the âBeer Gogglesâ effect, wherein a drunk person is more likely to find a member of the opposite sex attractive as their blood alcohol levels increase. But hold onto your monocles, gentlemen, because the following announcement may cause them to literally pop from your faces in shock: These studies have also proven that alcohol generally âlowers inhibitions and judgment,â which could cause you to âdo or say thingsâ that you âmay later regret.â I'll give you a moment to retrieve your shattered eyewear and fan away the vapors of any women overcome by these scandalous revelations.
"Being drunk impairs judgment? Oh, my stars!"
In response to this frankly earth-shattering news, Google have released a âGmail Gogglesâ filter that you can set to automatically turn on during certain time periods. The default time is late at night on weekends but if you, like my father, prefer getting plastered in the morning because âthatâs when they least expect it,â it can be set to turn on whenever you want. Once activated, the filter opens a new window whenever you try to send an email that asks if youâre really sure, and then runs you through some quick mental arithmetic before allowing it to be sent. No word yet on whether the filter also starts watering down your drinks when you begin violently sobbing while softly whispering the lyrics to John Cougar Mellencamp songs, or says youâve had enough while repeatedly referring to you as "guy," or calls the cops on you when you start taking clumsy, drunken swings at the monitor while insisting that it âdoesnât know you.â
Like this, but probably more about regrettable anal.
If, by some unfortunate miracle, you make it past the anti-retard measures of Googleâs filters and find yourself inquiring via email why your girlfriend âwhores it up like she do,â or forwarding unsettlingly violent man-on-man pornography to everybody in your Important Work Contacts Folder, donât worry - you can soon save yourself some anguish by conveniently forgetting all about it with one simple pill! By drastically increasing the amount of Alpha-CaM Kinase II - a chemical closely associated with long-term memory in the brains of mice - and inducing something called a ârecall periodâ (which, counter-intuitively, is not the term for the one hour I reserve every day solely for re-enacting my favorite scenes from Total Recall, but rather the point at which your brain begins its search for previously stored information) the memory attempting to be recalled can then be permanently erased. For example - and this is purely hypothetical here - say you took a drug that amped up the levels of Alpha-CaM Kinase II in your brain and then sat down to eat a Spicy Baconator while simultaneously emptying the entire contents of a can of Tagâs Sexual Chocolate Body Spray into your crotch, it could then be theoretically possible to erase all knowledge of the unfortunate night you spent feeling up that she-male in the back parking lot of the I-48 Wendyâs.