5 Annoying Things Parents Say to People Who Don't Have Kids

You can never sincerely know what it's like until you have one of your own, until you feel that biological connection and know that there is no room for the slightest failure on your part. Knowing that there is no escape hatch -- you're in this thing for life. Whatever ideas you have about parenthood are automatically flawed because they have no foundation in experience. So suck our parental balls, loser. (OK, that part may be a bit exaggerated.)

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But When You Don't Have Kids, You Think ...

No shit.

I can't know what it's like to be a Hispanic woman in today's job market either, but I don't have to live it to know that it's pretty fucking bad. No, I can't experience the racism and sexism she puts up with on a daily basis. I'll never know the sting of people just assuming she's there to clean up after white people, regardless of her position and stature in the company. It's impossible. At least not until I complete my Mexican Woman Transformation machine (patent pending).

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But what I can do is observe her or talk to her about it and take in the information ... because as it turns out, I do have a functional brain that's capable of processing stories and observations into lessons and facts. So no, I have never felt the biological connection to a child, but the idea isn't alien to me. I have a pretty damn strong connection to parents, brothers, sisters, and that guy who gives me extra crunchies at Long John Silver's. I have a pretty good idea about the ups and downs of parenting, because Lord knows how many of their goddamn stories I've heard over the years. I promise you, not many of us are going to enter into parenthood and start cursing the heavens because the world failed to prepare us. Well, at least not any more than usual.

You think it gets easier when they start going to school, but it doesn't. If one of them gets sick, you have to leave work to pick them up, and then the boss is up your ass because of it. Do that enough times, and you're out of a job. And you'll need that job, because school fees are ridiculous. Every other day I have to shell out money for field trips, sports insurance, gym uniforms, fundraisers, bail money ... it never ends. Your old life just disappears overnight, and suddenly, you're a parent.

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But When You Don't Have Kids, You Think ...

You mean once you become a parent, you have to prioritize the child above everything else? That's insane! I had no idea. I just always imagined that I could continue my current life, unchanged, except there's also a baby there now. You just rocked my world to its core. Hell, I was planning on chucking the little bastard in a crib and covering it up with loaded guns before you told me that. I figured that while it's too young to walk I could just go out and party, because it's not like the baby is going to get into anything that could harm it.

Actually, wait ... you know what, I have heard the "it changes your life" speech before. I didn't think of it until now, but now that you mention it, I do remember hearing it that one time that I talked to every single parent I've ever known since I was old enough to converse. No, I won't fully understand the severity of the change until I have kids of my own, but trust me, I get the gist. If I tried to raise one in my current state of living, the government would bust down my door with a SWAT team to rescue it. That's why I don't have kids yet.

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From a Parent's Perspective ...

Forget everything you think you know about being a parent. Take your well-thought-out plan for raising a child, fold it into a cute origami swan, set it on fire, and fly it straight up your asshole. You will not know how you're going to model your life around a child until it is physically in your house. Make the cleanest, most sterile environment on the planet, but I assure you that in six months you'll let that kid eat cereal straight off the floor if it stops him from screaming for five minutes. Single people will look at you like you're a horrible parent, and all you'll think is "What? Nobody ever died from playing with a dog turd. Leave him alone -- he's being quiet."

And those morals you think you have ironed out? You're going to look back on those in a few years and laugh until you vomit blood. You're not going to spank your child or smack his hand? Remember that when you find him trying to shove a nail into an electrical outlet and he's too young to understand virtually anything that's coming out of your flapping word hole. At that moment, the only thing he will understand is "nail + wall slot thing = sharp pain in my hand." You will succumb to the hand slap because it is the least cruel way to convey danger to your drooling little deathtrap.

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But When You Don't Have Kids, You Think ...

So, what, I'm just supposed to go into it blind? Just wing it and hope I come up with skills on the fly? This is where parents sound the most condescending, because you're basically looking me dead in the eyes and saying, "No matter what you think or do, it's wrong." And that may be true, but even if plans change, there needs to be one. You don't just stick 11 guys on the field and say, "Good luck!" You give them a play to run and then let them adjust as needed. And now all I can think about is gigantic men throwing and punting a baby.

Do you have actual advice that will help a future parent? Great, let us know ... but don't just whip out that bullshit where you pat us on the head and give us a patronizing "Aw, isn't that cute. He thinks his little plan is going to make everything smooth sailing. He thinks he has it all figured out." Nobody thinks that. You didn't think that before you had kids. But for some reason, when people become parents, they forget, and they start viewing the rest of the world as if they have no concept of reproduction, even though we are biologically designed to do so.

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We genuinely understand that what we picture in our heads isn't going to match reality. We can see that in simple observations of new parents versus those with multiple children. We see the changes in not only their rules but in them as people, because as it turns out, most of us aren't smoldering fucking idiots.

Or maybe you're not trying to one-up, but you're warning us about what's around the corner when we do have kids. If that's the case, we really appreciate the effort, but it's not necessary, because we've seen how humans function. Hell, even movies depict new parents as clueless victims, sapped of all strength and energy.

The only other reason I can imagine why parents would say this sort of thing is because they're looking for sympathy. In that case, I'd like to extend a heartfelt "fuck you" from all childless people across the globe. You became a parent. You have to live with the bad, right alongside the good. Using that as a wild card to downplay our own whining is a bullshit move that you can cram right back inside your bovine ass.

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From a Parent's Perspective ...

Hey, I just saw your Facebook post about how when you have kids you're never going to yell at them. What was it again? "Children should be loved and supported, never yelled at." I'm just trying to figure out what rainbow-fueled world you live in where that's even possible. Do you think I'm being an awful parent when I yell at my own kids? Because I'll tell you right now, you have no fucking idea what you're talking about. You're speaking in theory -- one that if carried out will end with you punching your own head clean off of your body in order to escape your uncontrollable demon spawn.

Until you're an actual parent, your opinion on raising children means jack dick. You have no experience in the subject. You're writing a review about the maneuverability of a Porsche based solely on pictures of one that you found in a magazine. Until you've driven it, you don't get to look down on those who have. Wait, do people look down on Porsche owners? I kind of lost myself in the metaphor.

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But When You Don't Have Kids, You Think ...

You want to know why our opinions matter? Because we're human. And though not all of us have the means to have children, our core brain function is reproduction. We are programmed from our DNA to our throbbing genitals to raise offspring. Regardless of whether our opinions are right or wrong, we have every right to them, because that's how our species, as a whole, evolves.

Yes, we have to concede that maybe we can't give fully formed opinions because of that lack of experience. But at the same time, some parents have to at least consider the idea that maybe -- juuuust maybe -- they're doing something wrong. That's kind of a big problem with parents who talk to childless people: They assume that everything they're doing is correct, so their advice is infallible. And since the opposition has no kids of their own, they are automatically disqualified from the debate. "What I'm saying is correct, and you can't prove me wrong because your input has no merit."

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Look, obviously not all parents are condescending douchebags, and not all exchanges are cartoonish exaggerations, but dig up any parenting forum anywhere on the Net and you'll see these things coming up over and over again. I'm just saying that, even as a seasoned veteran in the parenting department, we need to be a little more considerate of people who haven't gotten there yet. Otherwise they're eventually going to snap and punch our crotches until we can't have any more.

John is an editor and columnist right here at Cracked, with a new article every Thursday. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.

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