4

The Komodo Dragon Meat Race

This is Ayako Imoto.

3

Ass Top Driller

The YouTube video of this episode of Gaki No Tsukai began with an ominous lecture about copyright laws. Apparently in Japan you can copyright pain, and the restrictive nature of the Torture Patent System has forced them to evolve ever more complex punishments for contestants who've committed the dire sin of existing on Japanese TV.

And they aren't kidding about copyright protection, either: Every video link I had for this episode is now mysteriously gone, as though one of the contestants died from violent anal hemorrhaging and they began the elaborate cover-up process just as I found it. In any event, I'm sorry, but all I have for you is a GIF. A GIF of the Ass Top Driller:

If it's important to you, I can assure you that the man in question screamed like a cat being strangled by a banshee and certainly behaved as though the spinning metal spike of the top penetrated his anus. However, if that detail was important to you, perhaps you should take a minute now and reevaluate your life. Somebody gave birth to you. They had hopes for you. And these are your priorities.

I hope you're entertained: That poor man will live the rest of his life as the submissive bottom to a literal top. What he's endured counts as rape in Toyland. This is porn so twisted it's only legal in Germany -- and even they feel kind of bad about masturbating to it.

2

The Chinko Machine

Gaki No Tsukai, which I'm told translates to "Life Hates The Living," makes the list again with the Chinko Machine. You're now 10 percent more racist just for having read the name.

1

Face Your Mortality

American prank shows are all about making strangers feel awkward, embarrassed, or confused. Japanese game shows are about making strangers believe that they are literally going to die and then laughing as they face their own mortality. I'm pretty sure that's the premise of at least two Kafka shorts. In this prank, the show finds a lone pedestrian walking an empty alleyway. When he's about halfway up, a massive and visibly armed gang walks toward him, blocking the entire street.

He turns to run, but another massive, visibly armed gang is coming up from behind.

He tries to hide, or at least find a spot out of the way of the impending violence, but there is nowhere to shelter. If you go frame by frame, you can actually see the exact moment where he makes his peace with death.

His eyes are closed tightly. His face is pulled up. He's not even hoping he survives this anymore; he's just hoping that he can stroke out from fear before he actually feels the stab wounds.

After this prank wrapped up, that guy laughed with relief, I'm sure. But then he went about his day feeling strangely hollow. Jokes didn't work anymore. He couldn't be present in conversations. He got home and drank and stared at the wall. He realized that his whole life until now was just a series of distractions, keeping him from considering his own inevitable death. He'd been treating time like an infinite resource, and was now acutely aware of how quickly his hourglass was emptying.

He quit his job. He sold everything he owned and flew to Nepal. He saw the sunrise over the Himalayas. Then he fell down an ice crevasse because literally nothing he had ever done in his life had prepared him in the slightest for a soul-searching mountain journey. He died, cold and alone.

Or maybe he forgot about it like a week later and went back to playing Nintendo on the train. I don't know; I'm not his fucking biographer.

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