I accept that I should feel the same way about Chef Boyardee, but sorry, I absolutely do not. That man is a miracle worker, and I will defend the creations that have sprung forth from his infernal kitchen for the rest of my days.
For one thing, unlike Olive Garden, C-BAD harbors no delusions about the value of his food. There are things at Olive Garden that cost more than a lot of Americans make during an hour of work. That is unbridled lunacy.
Olive Garden: When you're here, you've clearly given up.
Meanwhile, your average homeless person still brings in enough cash to enjoy Chef Boyardee. Does it taste good? Yeah, good-ish, I guess, but what does it fucking matter? It's a dollar a can, maximum. It tastes good enough for that price point, if nothing else.
Does it taste like authentic Italian food? Well, no ... but do you? You sure don't, so stop being such a judgmental jerk about things. Besides, Chef Boyardee did start out as an actual restaurant founded by an Italian immigrant named Hector Boiardi in Cleveland in 1924.
Yes, Beefaroni happened in an actual kitchen.
He only branched out into canning his wares after being inundated with recipe requests from scores of Cleveland's most obviously discerning food enthusiasts.
We're just a decade shy of the 100th anniversary of Chef Boyardee. A lot of things have changed over time, that people enjoy the culinary oddity that is perfectly executed ravioli in a can is not one of those things. It hasn't survived this long for nothing, food snobs.
Adam bought five cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli three days ago and has only one left. Follow him on Twitter @adamtodbrown.