This can be done with almost any prank, pushing it right up to and past the point where it costs your company money. Someone fill your cubicle with cups of water? Then damage some fucking electronics while cleaning it up. Tampered chair? Lean back too far in it and hurt yourself. Crash through a cubicle wall if you can. If you're new, and they send you on a "snipe hunt," like say to go find a person or room that doesn't exist? Leave the office, never return, and get found days later, dead in a crawlspace. Won't they feel guilty then?
"That's the sixth new guy we've lost in the crawlspace this year. Do you want this place to get haunted?"
This is sort of the opposite of deliberately under-reacting to a prank: reacting just long enough to see the joy on the prankster's face, then turning the dial way, way up to see that joy turn to horror as you climb up on his desk and flex.
"COME AT ME, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. WITH YOUR BLOOD I WILL PAINT A PORTRAIT OF THE END OF MAN."
Whether it's threatening to quit, actually quitting, or some kind of knife-play, a well-timed overreaction can ensure no one in your office ever pranks you or experiences joy again. I should point out here that you may not keep your job or your clean criminal record when all this is done, but it goes without saying that some things are more important than that. Also, most courts will look favorably upon defendants when their revenge is thematically appropriate.
"This court finds that the defendant's actions were, legally, awesome."
For example, if someone's messed with your computer, you respond by setting up a bomb-making/animal-husbandry/bomb-husbandry darknet site on their computer. Or if they've put something of yours in gelatin, you kidnap their pets and suspend them in gelatin. If they've wrapped everything in your office in aluminum foil, then you fuck with the brakes on their car.
"Aluminum is a metal, and cars are also metal, so that was kind of my thinking."
"The court will allow it."
And then, when all is said and done, and the river of gore ebbs, and people crawl out from under their desks, apologize to you, and kiss the blade of your ax, only then will you say, "Nah, I'm just kidding, that was funny, you guys. You got me."
And they will never get you again.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has threatened to paint portraits, still lifes, and murals with the blood of his co-workers. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more from Bucholz, check out The 6 Biggest Dick Moves People Pull in the Workplace and 4 Jokes No One Should Tell (For Good Reason).