There are two types of couples in this world -- couples who poop in front of each other and couples who love each other. If you're in a relationship right now, take a moment to ask yourself which category you fall into and then start planning the next step of your life accordingly.

If you're stewing in the filth of your own disagreement right now, I have a few questions. First, why are you so goddamn gross? No one wants to see you shitting, I promise. Hell, no one even wants to hear you shitting. That might even be worse, in fact. The walls in my current apartment are sort of thin, and I say "sort of" because it's only a problem in the bathroom. I hear next to nothing from my neighbors in any other room, but in the bathroom, I hear everything. As a result of this unfortunate circumstance, I'm pretty sure I know my neighbor's wife way better than he ever will.

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"Tell those irritable bowels I say hello!"

At least I hope I do, because the alternative is that someone is actually on hand to witness the deviant acts that produce the terrifying series of splashes and explosions that I'm regularly subjected to hearing on account of the two of us apparently having the exact same "waste" schedule. Don't get me wrong, I know that means I've put her through a lot, too, and I don't doubt that this is why we've yet to say more than five words to each other the entire time we've lived a mere walk across the hallway from each other.

Or maybe she dislikes me for any number of other reasons (I hope it's because she reads this column) and is otherwise one of those lunatics who just has no qualms about turning "personal" time into a public spectacle. I've certainly known plenty of couples who operate that way. If you're among them, I have another question: Are you sure it's a mutual decision?

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Someone on this comically long couch isn't happy, that's for sure.

You hear about couples doing the deed in front of each other mostly in stories about someone sneaking in to pinch off a particularly rowdy dump while the other half of the team is in the shower. If this sounds like you, the next thing I want to know is how long the other involved party has been OK with this behavior. Did they take to it immediately, possibly even returning the favor by shitting during your shower time at some point down the road? If so, good; it sounds like you two disgusting fucks are perfect for each other. Thanks for taking each other off the rest of society's hands.

On the other hand, did they just eventually stop protesting and take the humiliation quietly? In that case, your mate isn't "comfortable"; your mate is broken. Your insistence on sharing in filth time has finally conquered their spirit.

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"You'll never smell like rancid Chipotle, will you, outdoor shower?"

The upside is that you can now pretty much do anything you want in front of them without fear of repercussion. The downside, of course, is that they no longer love or respect you. If you're game for shitting in view of anyone, though, respect is something you probably gave up trying to earn a long time ago.

Look, I get it: When you're in love, you're supposed to share everything. That said, our forefathers weren't shitting indoors when they wrote that into the Constitution. Outhouses weren't a shared experience, and for some activities, not sharing in them as a team is the loving thing to do. Shitting is definitely one of those activities.

Oh, and since we're on the subject of significant others and things you shouldn't share ...

That's a trick question, actually. See, your presence is never required. You stay your grumpy asses at home.

Sure, people might want you around, but the party will surely roll on without you, and that's definitely the preferred outcome if the only party favors you plan to bring are the deep-seated internal conflicts you have with your partner. If the two of you hope to retain your membership in a circle of friends that gather regularly to do fun things, plan on checking your bullshit differences at the door whenever you meet up. Anything less is the very height of discourtesy.

Furthermore, whatever you think you bring to the party isn't even sort of worth the aggravation that having a couple in the throes of a passionate dispute around brings to everyone involved.

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Can we get this table a double order of shut the fuck up, please?

If you're a person of somewhat sound mind and equipped with at least a starter set of manners, you should already be scoffing at the idea of anyone thinking it's all right to argue in front of friends. That's fine; you should feel that way, but understand that I'm not just talking about full-on brawls. Don't use your friends to settle disputes of any sort.

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"Bro, settle this once and for all: Are me and the wife in the country of Jamaica or the city of Jamaica right now?"

Asking the group to mediate your couples debate about the ramifications of fracking or your favorite television show or whatever might seem like a cutesy and quasi-intellectual way to make your friends feel involved in your relationship, but the problem is, no one wants to be involved in your fucking relationship. Not to that degree, anyway. Furthermore, making everyone choose one side or the other while both of you are sitting in the room is unspeakably uncomfortable, no matter what being told you're right does for your ego.

Look -- everyone argues. That's a fact of life. No one faults you for that, but no one wants to hear it, either.

Obviously, the real reason his kids recorded that sad moment in Hoff-story was to shame their drunken father into getting his life in order. Chances are, if you're getting that wrecked around the house, your kids probably aren't as confident in their ability to Internet shame you back to stability. Maybe a window of opportunity existed in that respect back when A&E was still turning debilitating dependency issues into theater, but those days are long gone now.

We will never forget you.

Even if that wasn't the case, you're not Ozzy Osbourne. Your drunken shenanigans are only going to make you famous among the offspring who no longer desire to speak to you. I get that you're home and you should be able to do whatever you want, but that's not true, because you have kids. If some shit goes down and someone has to make important, adult decisions in an emergency situation, that person, ideally, shouldn't be hammered.

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If you'd told me one month ago that I'd find a use for this stock photo someday, I'd have called you a liar.

Again, I'm definitely not saying that people shouldn't drink. If your kids are gone or if you don't have kids, by all means, get sloppy everywhere you go (responsibly). Hell, I'm not even saying you shouldn't drink in front of your kids, but there's a huge difference between having a beer after dinner and having a case of beer after dinner, that difference specifically being your ability to function. If people are relying on you to keep them safe, it's your responsibility to keep it together.

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Or at least let the kids start drinking, too.

Besides, how many of your proudest moments involve you being drunk? Please note, I said "proudest," not "funnest." If anyone's having fun when your kids are around, it should be your kids. I get that this sentiment is almost certainly why people drink around their kids in the first place, but that doesn't make it any less true, I'm afraid.

Yes, I get that, technically, you and your parents are all adults, which positions you well within the "adult entertainment" demographic, but that label is one that's meant to signify how entertaining that content will be to you, individually. If you ask me, there should be a separate rating or labeling system that tells moviegoers how comfortable they'll be screening that particular film in the company of others.

In fact, maybe just make sure you're alone altogether when you watch this one.

Maybe a multiplication table type of setup where if you're watching a particular movie with a particular group of people, you just locate where that group and movie cross on the table and that tells you how uncomfortable things will get should you choose to proceed. Should you watch Requiem for a Dream with your parents? Only if you're comfortable with your mom being in the room when a disgusting businessman yells "Ass to ass!" at Jennifer Connelly as she shares a dildo for two with a fellow heroin addict. (The clip below is very much NSFW.)

Guess what? You aren't comfortable with that at all. There are some things you and your parents should not share; films about young women bartering sex for drugs is one of them for sure. Unfortunately, film details like this are rarely listed on the DVD cover or in the two-sentence synopsis on Netflix. That means sometimes uncomfortable viewing situations will arise. Having a raucous sex scene suddenly appear while you're enjoying a film with your mom or dad doesn't make you a degenerate, but sticking it out to enjoy the boning as a family probably does.

Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should listen to on Soundcloud and a live stand-up comedy show of the same name that you should come see sometime if you're in the Los Angeles area. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr.

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