Anyway, in my honest and expert opinion, there are just some things in life that you should never let the people you love see you doing. I understand that society has progressed to a point where everyone is supposed to be comfortable doing everything in front of everyone, but call me old-fashioned, I still like to believe I have some shame left in me.
That's why, in the game of life, there are a few strict rules I like to live by. For starters ...
Never Shit in Front of Your Significant Other
There are two types of couples in this world -- couples who poop in front of each other and couples who love each other. If you're in a relationship right now, take a moment to ask yourself which category you fall into and then start planning the next step of your life accordingly.
If you're stewing in the filth of your own disagreement right now, I have a few questions. First, why are you so goddamn gross? No one wants to see you shitting, I promise. Hell, no one even wants to hear you shitting. That might even be worse, in fact. The walls in my current apartment are sort of thin, and I say "sort of" because it's only a problem in the bathroom. I hear next to nothing from my neighbors in any other room, but in the bathroom, I hear everything. As a result of this unfortunate circumstance, I'm pretty sure I know my neighbor's wife way better than he ever will.
"Tell those irritable bowels I say hello!"