There are two types of couples in this world -- couples who poop in front of each other and couples who love each other. If you're in a relationship right now, take a moment to ask yourself which category you fall into and then start planning the next step of your life accordingly.
If you're stewing in the filth of your own disagreement right now, I have a few questions. First, why are you so goddamn gross? No one wants to see you shitting, I promise. Hell, no one even wants to hear you shitting. That might even be worse, in fact. The walls in my current apartment are sort of thin, and I say "sort of" because it's only a problem in the bathroom. I hear next to nothing from my neighbors in any other room, but in the bathroom, I hear everything. As a result of this unfortunate circumstance, I'm pretty sure I know my neighbor's wife way better than he ever will.
"Tell those irritable bowels I say hello!"
At least I hope I do, because the alternative is that someone is actually on hand to witness the deviant acts that produce the terrifying series of splashes and explosions that I'm regularly subjected to hearing on account of the two of us apparently having the exact same "waste" schedule. Don't get me wrong, I know that means I've put her through a lot, too, and I don't doubt that this is why we've yet to say more than five words to each other the entire time we've lived a mere walk across the hallway from each other.
Or maybe she dislikes me for any number of other reasons (I hope it's because she reads this column) and is otherwise one of those lunatics who just has no qualms about turning "personal" time into a public spectacle. I've certainly known plenty of couples who operate that way. If you're among them, I have another question: Are you sure it's a mutual decision?
Someone on this comically long couch isn't happy, that's for sure.
You hear about couples doing the deed in front of each other mostly in stories about someone sneaking in to pinch off a particularly rowdy dump while the other half of the team is in the shower. If this sounds like you, the next thing I want to know is how long the other involved party has been OK with this behavior. Did they take to it immediately, possibly even returning the favor by shitting during your shower time at some point down the road? If so, good; it sounds like you two disgusting fucks are perfect for each other. Thanks for taking each other off the rest of society's hands.