But Back in the Day ...
We knew McDonald's was fast food. We knew what cholesterol was. We understood morbid obesity. And we didn't care! In 1990, McDonald's started cooking their fries in vegetable oil. Know what they used to use? Lard! Animal fat. And it was delicious. And we miss it so. Check out semi-literate losers like me complaining about it here.
I don't like billionaires. Why? Well, I think it's all the money they have that I don't. Does that make me a commie? Probably not. I'm not a big fan of socialists either. Or libertarians. Or anarchists. I think people are the problem, is what I'm saying. Anyway, I'm not a big fan of fat, greedy robber barons leading the national conversation. Who are the billionaires today?
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Mark "Your Privacy for Sale" Zuckerberg
Robin Marchant/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Donald "I'll Swallow Your Soul as Long as It's Artificially Flavored" Trump
We want to have their money, but I don't think anyone actually wants to be these men. Zuckerberg is a billionaire of the modern age. Call me old-fashioned, but I like men who are able to buy and sell control of my fate to look the part. There's something too humiliating about being inferior to someone who needs to be told not to wear socks with sandals. And Trump, well, the modern age caused problems for him, too. Y'see, in the '80s people thought Trump was cool. He had a game and everything.
Object of the game: Be the first to make a million dollars starting with your father's billion.
Why was he cool? Well, not because he was younger and less Hutt-like, but because we didn't know him. The '80s were filled with Gordon Gekko greed and Reaganites, and he was just a young billionaire. That was it. But now, we get to know terrible people more on reality television and on their Twitter. It might be a personal trait, but I like it when people who can have me killed with one phone call can also speak in full sentences.
But Back in the Day ...
You had dudes like J.P. Morgan. Look at him. Just look at him:
This is a man who would not hesitate to boil your bones if he thought there was a tiny chance there was profit in it. This is a man who would choke baby seals with his bare hands based on a rumor that their tears were valuable on the black market.
Here he is beating one of his valets for not being made of gold.
J.P. Morgan was U.S. Steel. Not just in his ownership and production, but in his entire skeletal structure, which was formed from an early version of the adamantium that would later be used in Wolverine. OK, fine, here's something about J.P. Morgan that is actually true: He saved the U.S. Treasury from bankruptcy during the Panic of 1893 by joining with the Rothschilds and providing the U.S. Treasury with 3.5 million ounces of gold for a 30-year bond issue.
True, that's almost as cool as data-mining my life for advertisers or trying to get the President impeached as an immigrant, but just a tad classier, y'know?"
Watch the penultimate Hate by Numbers. That means second to last. Gladstone's about to put the show on indefinite sabbatical.
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