Elsewhere in the house, if you have ceiling fans, then by God try them. They're not just decorative. Or, more specifically, you may be about to find out they're just decorative. The ceiling fan in my room -- which is hanging about seven feet off the floor, making hand-raising a precarious exercise at any time -- is not a fan for using. When you turn it on, the blades spin, but the entire fan itself wobbles like a drunk trying to manage the stairs in an earthquake. To the best of my knowledge, this means it's been installed off-balance and probably can be fixed fairly simply by one of your more skilled fan engineers or environmental warlocks out there. But what's some asshole like me to do? Google it? For the love of God, my days are packed as it is.
Finally, do you have curtains? How about curtain rods? Because I have neither. I know I could buy curtain rods, and I probably will someday, in the same way I probably will try traditional Icelandic cuisine one day. It's just not on the schedule, and maybe I'll die before it happens. Who's to say. But if you don't want your elderly French Canadian neighbors staring at you through the windows at midnight while you binge It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you may want to check ahead of time to see if you need some.
Keep in mind that they may be the only ones around to save you when your DIY electrical work inevitably goes wrong.
Conclusions: You need to expect the unexpected. The perfect house has nothing wrong with it, but your new house isn't perfect. It never will be. Instead, it's a puzzle box of messed-up dumbfuckery and lazy repairs, installations, and bullet holes, all of which the person trying to sell or rent to you will assure you adds charm or was specifically installed to encourage positive airflow.
Open those cupboards to make sure they're not just unfinished boxes under a sink. Pull out the stove and make sure it's not just a hobo with a blowtorch living in a metal frame. Put a Gatorade in the fridge, and make sure it doesn't boil, freeze, or fill things with piss when all it should do is make them cold. Read those guides on home-buying for all the obvious things you should ask. "Has the basement ever flooded?" "Are there swarms of bees in the attic?" "Was the basement often used for ritual murder?" Then ask all the non-obvious questions, like "Can I fit on the toilet?" and "Has anyone ever lived in the walls?"
Let me tell you, when the day comes and you find out there's a guy living in your walls, and you never bothered to ask about it, even after I just told you, you're going to feel like a dummy. And you probably won't even get your security deposit back when he leaps out of a mirror to kill you, because I literally just told you it was going to happen, so you have no more excuses. Toilets. Plug outlets. Bullet holes. Guys in the wall. Make a checklist.
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