4 Things In Every Porn You Should Never Do In Real Life

For approximately, oh, the entirety of civilization, we've been pretty bad at teaching people about sex. When you got The Talk from the middle-school woodshop teacher you bought cigarettes from, it probably mostly involved cautionary tales about his wicked case of super-herpes and very little about what people actually do in bed. All we've really got is porn, which is the absolute worst way to learn how to rub genitals together. Porn is a fantasy by necessity. Therefore, sometimes porn stars do things that are so far removed from reality that it actually takes me out of it and I can't even enjoy it anymore, kind of like the Wilhelm Scream in regular movies, but with just so much more dick.

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And -- God help us all -- they've shown up on screen so often, people have started thinking those bizarre little porn tropes are what sex is. I beg of you, unless you have your partner's enthusiastic approval and cooperation, do not ever try ...

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4
Slapping Someone's Genitals

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Let's get this out of the way -- slapping a penis or a vagina is not about BDSM. It's ridiculous that in 2015 I even have to say that there's nothing wrong with that between informed and consenting adults. What's weird is that this happens in totally non-BDSM scenarios, in the throes of regular, everyday passion. You see, kids, when a man and woman really love money, sometimes they'll be engaging in perfectly boring, average naked-time shenanigans on film when suddenly a vagina gets slapped. The woman squeals, the shenanigans resume, and that's how misconceptions are made.

When the young, male masturbaters that make up porn's target audience grow up and find themselves between the legs of an actual woman who isn't getting paid to react to sex with the excitement of hitting the Powerball, they'll often be under the impression that this is a thing most women enjoy, and the unsuspecting victim is going to end up very confused, because why? Why would you think that feels good? It doesn't even feel bad, particularly, but it's like you've just interrupted whatever presumably enjoyable activity you were just engaging in to poke me in the eye. Just, why would you do that?

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"This sex yes?"

I'm positive that if you polled a representative sample of women, "I just love having my vagina manually assaulted" is not something you're going to hear often, though there are undoubtedly women who are into this. That's not saying much. Stand up, spin three times, and point at the first object you see -- there's someone who likes rubbing their crotch on that. (Hopefully not that specific one; you'll have to work that out with your roommate.) Just because you knew one woman who totally loved this doesn't mean you should spring it on someone unawares.

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This is particularly common among those relatively inexperienced in the ways of sex -- something worked one time, so by God, you're sticking to it; it's all you've got. And don't confuse the absence of objection with enjoyment: You'd be surprised by the number of women willing to shrug off a little labia-spankin' in the spirit of not wanting to hold an awkward "sex ed. dos and don'ts" conversation when she's trying to get laid.

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"Oh, god. He's going to want to do that to me now ..."

But you'd also be surprised by the number of women who are perfectly willing to call a time-out to discuss exactly what the hell was going through your mind just now, like she's a head coach and you're the athlete who made a really stupid play. So don't assume she's into it and then proceed to pummel her puss. Just wait for the invite, then pummel.

3
Spitting

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In general, we could all stand to be a little less weird about bodily fluids. Unless you're equipped with a full-on American Horror Story gimp suit, you are going to get some of the more solvent parts of your partner on you; accept and embrace it. It's a natural part of sex. Spitting, as porn loves to feature, is unnatural, for two reasons.


You, the male spitter, from the female perspective.

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One, if you think you're doing it for practical purposes, you should know that saliva is actually a really poor lubricant. You know how when you have chapped lips, you have to fight the urge to lick them, because you know it will just end up making them even drier? Think about that, but with a vagina. You can pause here if you have any apologies to make.

Two, it's legitimately repelling. When you spit in clothed situations, it's to show your disrespect for someone, or because you just put something gross in your mouth. Think about the implications you're making about your partner there. Unless you're doing some kind of racially charged police brutality roleplay, it's kind of insulting.

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"Too real! TOO REAL!"

It's also lazy. Look, anal sex, for example, is a delicate operation, and if that's the care you're going to take with it, suffice it to say I'm having second thoughts about this whole thing. The first dude who spits in my butthole is getting donkey-kicked right off the bed, and I know dudes for whom spitting on their penises is an instant boner-killer. At least be hot about it? If you replace the lazy hocking with some long, slow licking, congratulations, you've actually now performed a sexual act.

Or just be a goddamn adult and buy some lube. It's chapstick for buttholes.

2
Positions That Are Used Only In Porn (For A Reason)

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Gentlemen, we're going to do an exercise. First, lay down on your back. Now put your knees over your ears. Good? Good. Now take a moment to contemplate what led you to this point in your life, where you're twisting yourself into a pretzel on the floor because you decided to play porno Monkey-See-Monkey-Do. All done? Now answer the following questions: How comfortable are you? Say, on a scale from one to "my hamstrings have detached themselves and run away"? How easy do you think it would be to get a boner right now? Try thinking about Christina Hendricks in a hot tub. Boobs just bobbing along on the water. Anything happening down there?

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Or, while you're there, learn to blow yourselves and leave us alone.

You have now experienced sex with a man who's watched too much porn. It's a sad fact of life that there's very little overlap between the positions that look the best on camera and the ones that are the most conducive to an actual dicking. The legs-behind-the-ears one is used because everything is visible, but considering that the goal here is to rub things together, its real-world utility is minimal at best. My office is my couch, OK? I am not that flexible. At worst, you're asking for a fart on the balls. I'm sorry, but there are a lot of unsexy organs you're squishing there.

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The other most frequent offender is the one where you're going in from behind and riding high, so to speak, which is again a visibility thing. It's so that the cameraman can get that awesome "between the legs" shot. What's happening on the receiving end is that you're being literally fucked sideways. There's a reason that's a curse -- it feels like one, in the "evil sorcerer" sense of the word.

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Gandalf The Sex Offender

Now, regarding both of these positions, a little angling is a good thing. The key words there are "a little." So please, over-porned guys, you have to remember that if you want to give a woman a vaginal orgasm you want to stimulate the G-spot, not pretend it's a pirate and stab it with a cutlass.

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1
Ass-To-Anywhere

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Because I assume we're all adults here, I also assume we're all aware that Urban Dictionary is written by 12-year-olds and most of the horrifying sex acts defined there aren't actually part of any adult's sexual repertoire. Unfortunately, there are exceptions. I'm talking, of course, about the fabled "ass-to-mouth" -- that is, butt sex to b*****b.

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The mournful frown of ass-to-mouth.

Everyone with access to the Internet can confirm that ass-to-mouthing does happen, and it's because interrupting the scene to go clean yourself would be kind of a drag (or, if the actress has a really good contract, they are cutting, but you would never know). It just also happens to be a standout among your Dirty Sanchezes and Rusty Trombones in that it's legitimately deadly. You ever hear of E. coli, son? Does the phrase "bloody diarrhea" mean anything to you? How about "brain tapeworm"? Are you absolutely sure you want to risk brain tapeworms because your boyfriend, for some ungodly reason, thinks it's hot when you gobble his bacteria-slathered knob?

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"Tapeworm, you say? Hm. I could stand to lose a few brain pounds ..."

While we're on the subject of penises trying to pull off an Around The World, there's another hole that is, let's say, butthole adjacent, and if you're attacking from the rear, it's real easy to slip back and forth between the two and, by doing so, ruin her whole goddamn night. So it shouldn't be a surprise that if you stick a s****y dick in a vagina, the woman can get a nasty UTI. If the woman you're trying to double-dip with has ever experienced the pain of a UTI, you're legally not allowed to blame her for bowling you over on the way to the bathroom for an Everclear douche.

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I'd like to think that most men are sympathetic enough not to want to give a woman a case of fire-piss, so I'm sorry, you're going to have to either take a suds break between holes or pick a flavor and stick with it. Being a mature, adult male sex-haver means learning that when you go for the ass, you put blinders on your dick and you commit to the ass.

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