It doesn't matter whether a man is in his backyard, lost in the woods, or attending a children's music recital, if he can't get a fire going at a moment's notice, he is a hopeless failure. Fire has been so integral to the success of our species that now we can't help but start them, even accidentally on the sides of freeways and with grease in our own kitchens. In fact, if a man can't build a fire, you should rip open his trench coat and make sure he's not just a bunch of rabbits piled on top of each other pretending to be your boyfriend.
"But I framed those Maroon 5 lyrics for you. Didn't that mean anything to you?"
The trick, of course, is to start small when building a fire: create a teepee of dry twigs, stuff some tinder or kindling in the middle, and then gradually add bigger and bigger pieces of wood in the same structural form as the fire catches and grows.
But What if That Sounds Like a Lot of Work?
Fair enough. I get it, the modern man doesn't always have time to sit around blowing on dead grass and bark. These aren't the carefree days of living in caves and eating every animal and berry in the forest for free. He has people counting on him in other quadrants of his life, specifically his followers on Twitter, who are waiting for hilarious updates about his camping trip. So consider this rule amended to: Every modern man should be able to build a fire using only a Duraflame log, lighter fluid, and 87 matches.
It's even shaped like masculinity.
The Duraflame log saves him time so that he can build a fire and still find a high spot with mediocre service, effectively killing two birds with one stone, figuratively, though, because he likely can't throw a rock hard enough to kill anything. The lighter fluid is a precautionary measure to ensure he gets the log lit even if he forgets to read the instructions on the wrapper, and the 87 matches are crucial because he will inevitably discover he can build a little Lincoln Log house out of them, then burn it to the ground. Something he will no doubt want to Vine.