If we take a hop, skip, and a jump over to Portugal and look at their drug problem, you'll see something stunning. Portugal has three drug overdose deaths per one million citizens. In 2014, America had 14.7 deaths per 100,000, which is 49 times higher. Oh, and Portugal decriminalized drug use years ago. Now, if you get caught with more than a 10-day supply of any substance, you may be subject to a fine or referral to a treatment program (or you have to at least share your stash with the cop who catches you while you both discuss how crazy DuckTales was). Overall drug use seems to have slightly increased after the change in laws, but deaths and complications dropped like a stone, and fewer new drug users seem to be picking up the habit. It's almost like people realized drugs are bad, mmmkay?
On the other end of the spectrum is Sweden, which has very harsh drug laws. Nearly half of all criminal offences are drug offences, and if you are even suspected of being high, you can be forced to take a urine test and stand trial. Just imagine a cop talking like the Swedish chef coming after you for smoking a bowl, all "Yoomy yoomy, der weed ist der illegal!" Ha ... classic.
alex_ugalek/iStock They're probably just bitter they can't manage to grow it there.
But the result is that Sweden has the lowest rate of drug use in Europe, since everyone is scared shitless of even smelling some weed on their meatballs (making this my second jab at Swedish meatballs in this article. I thank you for your patronage). Only 9 percent of students in Sweden have tried weed, compared to nearly 40 percent in countries like France, and they took the American approach to the War on Drugs and went crazy with it. But it seems to have worked.
Now, you can debate what social situations lead to drug use in Portugal and Sweden in the first place and what support systems they have set up that help maintain this current level of low drug use, but the point is drug use may be prevalent everywhere, but it's super prevalent in the U.S., and it's not because we flavor our crack with peanut butter, which I know firsthand and am still miffed about. So forget weed altogether -- no one dies from that -- and just focus on things like prescription opioid abuse, heroin, cocaine, and whatever else it is that's killing tens of thousands of Americans per year and nowhere near as many people anywhere else. The only reason I can come up with? We really love getting totally fucked up.
While toilet paper is a fairly modern invention (at least the commercially available kind), wiping your ass on paper in general dates back to the Middle Ages. And before that, mankind literally used whatever fit in their ass -- rags, grass, moss, sponges, fruit peels, ceramic, stones, or just a smooth, bare hand when all else failed. Wiping your ass is as old as ass itself. It's also sack-of-ass-wipe-stones stupid, when you consider it. Aside from softening a piece of broken ceramic into a quilted, two-ply piece of Charmin we haven't evolved much when it comes to crack sluice technology. We landed on the moon in the 1960s, yet still are unable to keep our own hands out of our dirty asses. You call that progress?
millionsjoker/iStock How dirty do you think my hands are? (... Actually, let's hold off on that discussion until #1.)
The invention of the bidet is probably the most reasonable thing mankind has ever come up with, yet North America is really resistant to adopting the technology, as though we feel a squirt of water on the ass is weird. That's weird. No, let me just bundle up a handful of easy-tear tissue and use it to smear feces around the hole it came out of until my ass isn't clean in any medically sound sense of the word, but I'm mostly assured that I won't leave tiny skid marks wherever I sit. If your face was as clean as your ass gets when you wipe it, no one would ever kiss you again. Or some people would, but they're the sort of people you don't want near your face. Your shitty, unclean face.
There's a reason we have to toilet train children at a young age, and it's not that we want them to avoid a life of pants-shitting. It's because if the kid got old enough to think rationally, they'd laugh with scorn at your foolish ass-wiping suggestion. Look at it from the kid's perspective -- if they touch a bug, you make them go wash their hands with soap and water. But when Taco Tuesday turns into Woeful Wednesday, you expect the poor kid to just jigger a handful of tissue against their turd cutter and call it a day. "Go on, Junior, polish that pucker!"
Murat Deniz/iStock "No more gloriously moist wet wipes for you ... for some reason."
If you wash your face and wash your hands, you should absolutely wash your ass. Dogs have the benefit of running free with no ass cheeks, letting their turds rocket from the crypt like guided stink missiles, and even they leave some residue behind that makes you think twice about letting Rover on the sofa. How is your turd eking out from between a pair of sweaty compression pillows a more ideal situation? It's not. Face it, ass-wiping is weird and archaic. Long live the butt spritz.
Lest you think this is just the rantings of one disaffected ass wiper, know that upwards of 75 percent of all mankind is paperless and 60 percent don't even have access to toilets. Ass-wiping is in the minority. About four billion people just don't do it, and probably think the rest of us are silly asses for even suggesting it.
Bidets are actually super easy to install, check this one out.
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