3

Tossing Trash

America produces around 220 million tons of trash per year, which is 4.3 lbs of waste per person every day, enough to fill 60,000 garbage trucks each and every day. That's a whole lot of fucktons of Snickers wrappers and empty lube bottles. The global average for waste is 2.6 lbs per day, meaning America is number one again in a field it probably doesn't want to be recognized for. Why so much trash? Ask the geniuses who individually wrap bananas at the grocery store. It's in its own fucking wrapper, man!

millionsjoker/iStock How dirty do you think my hands are? (... Actually, let's hold off on that discussion until #1.)

The counter to this is that we do recycle some stuff. We're up to a whopping 34.6 percent of waste being recycled, which is 1.5 lbs per day. Unfortunately, that's not super great compared to a lot of other countries -- like Italy, which is recycling cannoli at a rate of 36 percent, Germany, which repurposes bratwurst at 65 percent, and Sweden, which takes ... I dunno, hot blondes, and turns them into meatballs at a rate it claims is 99 percent, but has an asterisk on it since a lot of that trash just gets burned. But still, they're keeping that Nordic playground pretty spick and span compared to the average dumpster that seems to have vomited on the side of most roads in America.

mizoula/iStock No beautiful vacation destination would be complete without them.

2

Drug Abuse

How much do you love meth? Be honest, I won't tell anyone. If statistics are to be believed, more than a few of you probably put meth in your cereal, because that shit is delightful. Between 2000 and 2010, America spent about one trillion dollars on illegal drugs, or a modest $100 billion every year. Nearly one in five Americans between 16 and 64 used an illegal drug in 2013. Now, a lot of that was probably pot, but one in 20 was illegal opioids, so we're still enjoying some of the hard shit.

America leads the world in illicit drug use, nearly 5 percent ahead of Australia and Spain and 6 percent ahead of Canadians, who have to use cocaine just to survive their winters and smoke pot to freshen a room when Febreze is unavailable.

Turns out the U.S. also spends about $50 billion a year fighting the war on drugs, meaning the entire drug industry is a money pit that we're throwing our cash into before adding a flaming turd strapped to a tank of gasoline. $50 billion is higher than the GDP of 109 countries in the world, including Croatia, Lithuania, and Iceland. Poor, innocent Iceland! That's a lot of PSAs about cracking eggs and brains and shit.

fermate/iStock You know what would go great with those? Meth.

1

Butt-Wiping

While toilet paper is a fairly modern invention (at least the commercially available kind), wiping your ass on paper in general dates back to the Middle Ages. And before that, mankind literally used whatever fit in their ass -- rags, grass, moss, sponges, fruit peels, ceramic, stones, or just a smooth, bare hand when all else failed. Wiping your ass is as old as ass itself. It's also sack-of-ass-wipe-stones stupid, when you consider it. Aside from softening a piece of broken ceramic into a quilted, two-ply piece of Charmin we haven't evolved much when it comes to crack sluice technology. We landed on the moon in the 1960s, yet still are unable to keep our own hands out of our dirty asses. You call that progress?

millionsjoker/iStock How dirty do you think my hands are? (... Actually, let's hold off on that discussion until #1.)

The invention of the bidet is probably the most reasonable thing mankind has ever come up with, yet North America is really resistant to adopting the technology, as though we feel a squirt of water on the ass is weird. That's weird. No, let me just bundle up a handful of easy-tear tissue and use it to smear feces around the hole it came out of until my ass isn't clean in any medically sound sense of the word, but I'm mostly assured that I won't leave tiny skid marks wherever I sit. If your face was as clean as your ass gets when you wipe it, no one would ever kiss you again. Or some people would, but they're the sort of people you don't want near your face. Your shitty, unclean face.

There's a reason we have to toilet train children at a young age, and it's not that we want them to avoid a life of pants-shitting. It's because if the kid got old enough to think rationally, they'd laugh with scorn at your foolish ass-wiping suggestion. Look at it from the kid's perspective -- if they touch a bug, you make them go wash their hands with soap and water. But when Taco Tuesday turns into Woeful Wednesday, you expect the poor kid to just jigger a handful of tissue against their turd cutter and call it a day. "Go on, Junior, polish that pucker!"

Murat Deniz/iStock "No more gloriously moist wet wipes for you ... for some reason."

If you wash your face and wash your hands, you should absolutely wash your ass. Dogs have the benefit of running free with no ass cheeks, letting their turds rocket from the crypt like guided stink missiles, and even they leave some residue behind that makes you think twice about letting Rover on the sofa. How is your turd eking out from between a pair of sweaty compression pillows a more ideal situation? It's not. Face it, ass-wiping is weird and archaic. Long live the butt spritz.

Lest you think this is just the rantings of one disaffected ass wiper, know that upwards of 75 percent of all mankind is paperless and 60 percent don't even have access to toilets. Ass-wiping is in the minority. About four billion people just don't do it, and probably think the rest of us are silly asses for even suggesting it.

Bidets are actually super easy to install, check this one out.

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