At this point I tied Spider-Man to a chair. I really hope I'm not crossing any points of no return as far as keeping the reader's sympathy goes.
Cracked: Awesome. Now, my first question is about the death of your uncle -- it didn't really seem to mean much, did it?
Spider-Man: OK, so you somehow know all about my secret identity? That's how this is working? Alright, yeah, I saw these movies, I can probably wing this.
Spider-Man clears his throat.
Spider-Man: I'm really sad about my uncle dying.
Cracked: Are you, though? Are you really?
Spider-Man: Of course! He was my mentor, he taught me ... uh ... actually, now that I think about it, he was clearly trying to be a mentor to me, but he sucked at it. He would say stuff like, "If you could do good things for other people, you had a moral obligation to do those things" and "Ever since you were a little boy, you've been living with so many unresolved things. Those things send us down a road. They make us who we are."
"Things are like stuff, in that the stuff often become things, or vice versa. There's a reason I never had my own kids."
Cracked: That advice sounds like something my drunk uncle would say, only translated into Fortune Cookie. I think your uncle might be something of a crazy person.
Spider-Man opens and shuts his mouth several times, like he's thinking carefully about what he wants to say next.
Spider-Man: Or that the movie's writers were trying to distance themselves from a certain phrase because they know it's associated with an older, Sam Raimi-er version of this universe.
Cracked: Maybe that's why you haven't bothered to find his killer.
Spider-Man: Hey, you're right -- I did forget to find his killer, even though finding his killer is the whole reason I became a superhero in the first place. Apparently a moment in your life can be so important that it causes you to devote your life to fighting crime, but also be so insignificant that you completely forget about it within a week.
That makes Peter Parker look like kind of an asshole, doesn't it? The only reason he's a likeable character for most moviegoers is because of stuff he did in the older movies, but they're rebooting those movies out of existence despite the fact that they're one of the only reasons superhero flicks are getting made in the first place.
Cracked: That was some pretty good detective work there. Which is weird, because I was about to point out that you have no idea ...