Cracked: Listen, Spider-Man, it's just so great to have you here.
Spider-Man: Wow, that shit is fast-acting. I guess I should've told you to take it with water. Anyway, enjoy your oh God, where did you get those nunchucks? Ah! Stop! Where did that sai come from? Ow! No, don't -- is that a fucking katana? Alright! We're good! I'm Spider-Man! Whatever you say!
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"I'll even put on the costume if you promise to stop being every Ninja Turtle."
At this point I tied Spider-Man to a chair. I really hope I'm not crossing any points of no return as far as keeping the reader's sympathy goes.