I was supposed to be on a two week vacation from Cracked. I'd even cleared everything with my editor, Jack O'Brien. But late last night, I got a desperate phone call:
"Gladstone. Come back. I need you.â
By an amazing coincidence, a compliant and sexual curious Gillian Anderson had said the same thing to me only hours earlier. But this was different. This was Jack. And he was in a bad way. At first, I assumed he was still grieving over his ridiculous decision not to feature my Radiohead video on the home page. But, incredibly, it turned out that wasnât it at all.
âItâs my girlfriend,â he said. âI think. . . I think she's fucking Justin Timberlake!â
I was shocked. Iâd known Jack for almost three years and not once in all that time did it ever occur to me that he was straight. But apparently, as Jack explained, he'd been in a serious relationship with Miranda "LaserBeam" Johannsen ---dental hygienist and former American Gladiator--- for over six months. I tried to take that all in as I quietly unwrapped the Village People box set I was about to send him for his birthday."Gladstone, are you there?"
"Not only am I here, but I know four simple steps to help you find out for sure.â
âCould you tell me?â Jack asked. âAnd more importantly, could you turn it into a column because, I gotta admit, the blogâs turned to pure crap without you the last ten days."
FOUR SURE-FIRE WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS SCREWING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
1. She Keeps Grooming You To Look More White Trash and/or Orthodox Jew
Seriously, how does he do it? With a minimum of effort Timberlake can go from the kind of trailer trash who puts pork rinds on a fluffernutter sandwich to the truly devout who shuns both pork and shellfish based on passages in the book of Leviticus. Most impressive, is that Timberlake achieves both these extremes in his failed attempts to be Black. I'm not sure why your girlfriend digs this. Perhaps, her first love was Rabbi Scooter Bob Horowitz? But you know what they say: "Once white trash/Orthodox Jew in a failed attempt to be Black, never back." So odds are good that if she's bedding down with Timberlake, then she'll want more of that good stuff from you.
Yes, Jack can be made to look white trash --- hell, he does that to himself by shopping at the last remaining Chess King in existence--- but make this guy look Jewish? The only time people say âJack OâBrienâ and âbeardâ in the same sentence is when theyâre referring to his girlfriend (who may or may not be fucking Justin Timberlake).
2. She Asks You To Get Rid Of All Your Radiohead and Pink Floyd Albums.
I'm well aware of Mr. Timberlake's musical accomplishments: His 'N Sync this and Sexyback that. Something about six top 20 singles off one album. Yeah, I don't care. My heroes are Bowie, Floyd, Soundgarden, Radiohead -- bands with musical growth, diversity, and staggering writing capability. Timberlake's an entertainer. A performing monkey. Just like he was when he was eleven:
The only difference now is that he's old enough to pull his own strings. A whore who pays himself, selling out for the next accessible trend of disposable pop music. I don't think he'd disagree. And hey, he's laughing all the way to the bank -- or wherever dancing monkey puppet whores keep their money. A wooden banana shaped dildo? In any event, if your girlfriend is groovin' to that crap, she'll probably have no tolerance for your music.
Once again, Jack is safe. He doesnât own any Pink Floyd and the only Radiohead in his collection is In Rainbows which he downloaded for free and only listened to once after he realized it wasn't the Rainbow Brite/Care Bears singalong album he was actually looking for.
3. Your Girlfriend Is An Old Lady.
The odds of Timberlake having sex with your girlfriend exponentially increase if your girlfriend is an older lady. Yes, he's had his Britneys and his Biehls, but I think we all know that what really gets this entertainer off ---besides looking like the sniveling younger brother of a bayou serial rapist--- is dating older ladies. First, there was his longstanding relationship with actress (and lightweight boxer) Cameron Diaz. And now, there's all that creepy Madonna flirtation stuff going on. I'm not saying Timberlake has Mommy issues, but... oh wait. That's exactly what I'm saying. Timberlake has mommy issues.
I'm not sure if Jack's girlfriend is an older woman or not, because, at this point, Iâm still not convinced she isnât fictitious. I donât know what would have given me that idea. Perhaps, itâs this surveillance footage that I secretly shot during my job interview for Cracked. (The other male voice in the footage is mine, and, oh, by the way, I'm totally NOT presenting this clip out of context or anything).
4. She Puts On A Strap-On And Refers To Herself As "Uncle Lou" During Sex
I can hear you now:
"Wow. That is flagrantly irresponsible of you, Gladstone. So what if 'N Sync's former manager (and indicted criminal) Lou Pearlman, is consistently dogged by rumors that all his former boybander acts had to have sex with him in exchange for fame. So what? How irresponsible of you Gladstone to imply that Lou Pearlman and Justin Timberlake also had sex. And not only that, but that Timberlake enjoyed it so much that he wants to recreate the experience when having sex with your boss's girlfriend. And that your boss's girlfriend got so used to it that she's now having sex with your boss that way. How dare you. Where is your proof? Where?!"
To you, I reply:
"I have absolutely no proof. But if I'm a liar, then why are you getting so upset? Huh? Huh?"
Here we finally have a hit! But fortunately for Jack, it doesnât count because the whole Uncle Lou strap-on thing was apparently always part of Jack's sexual M.O. Not many people remember that before Cracked, Jack used to sing back up for O-Town.So congratulations, Jack. You win! Your old lady is sleeping with someone other than Justin Timberlake.
How did the rest of you score?
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.