3

A Live Band Will Play At Your School Dances

Maybe I'm the only person who's angry about this, but I grew up assuming live bands played at all school dances all the time. Imagine my disappointment when I found out that my school just had a DJ, and his name was Principal Owens, and we eventually replaced him with an iPod. I can't decide if that's more or less cool.

I then assumed that if I went to a larger school, I would get the high school dance experience I deserved. Imagine my surprise when I started dating a guy who went to a school with 2,000 students and no live band to infuse their events with the proper amount of pop culture relevancy. What gives? There are so many live bands in teen movies that The Donnas, an early 2000s all-female punk band, is featured in two of them: Drive Me Crazy ...

20th Century Fox

... and Jawbreaker.

TriStar Pictures

2

Teachers Are Obsessed With Their Students' Personal Lives

I have so many friends who are teachers, and let me tell you, they are just counting down the hours until they can go home and take their pants off like the rest of us. They want to be accessible and helpful to their students, but they don't obsess over them the way teachers in the movies do.

For instance, they wouldn't go to a student's super illegal drag race and cheer them on like the shop teacher does in Grease. She shouldn't be there! (Side note: I love her character. A female shop teacher who wears pearls and fancy earrings with her jumpsuit? Nice, Grease!) But as nifty as Mrs. Murdock is, drag racing is a crime, and she should probably refrain from helping her students prepare to commit that crime real good and then cheering them on while they do it.

1

The Popular Kids Are Doomed To Lead Crappy Adult Lives

Every teen movie with an epilogue uses it to give a good dig at the popular jerks' bleak future. Mike Damone gets caught scalping tickets and ends up working at a 7-11 in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. We're told Mike Dexter (a lot of assholes are named Mike, apparently) becomes an alcoholic who washes cars after the events of Can't Hardly Wait. Biff from Back To The Future ... also winds up washing cars for a living? Screenwriters must see this as the ultimate punishment.

Universal Pictures"Hey, remember when I tried to rape your wife? Man, crazy times. Anyway, I'll get back to work."

It's what we want -- justice for all the times those popular assholes were popular assholes at us. The thing is, sometimes popular people kind of rule at life. Popularity is often shorthand for "people skills," and that often stems from being aggressive and/or physically attractive, all of which is really, really beneficial in the adult world.

We mentioned Mike Dexter up there. He was a jerk in Can't Hardly Wait, but he was also good enough at football to get a scholarship to college. Communities tend to have a long memory when it comes to people who were good at sports. In my hometown, football players are the closest things to local celebrities we have. Mike would have to screw up pretty badly to not be able to land a cushy job at a local car dealership there, even if he dropped out of college. So what did Mike do?

Columbia Pictures

Columbia PicturesI need a Can’t Hardly Wait 2, in which we see ... the murders.

The Mikes of the real world will learn to tie a tie, play golf, and get good jobs from their frat alumni, working overtime to figure out how to keep their sexual harassment away from witnesses. And while he's interviewing you for a job years later, you'll look at his gold watch and think, Damn, this could have been me, if only I'd drank more in high school.

If you're the type of person who enjoys reliving your glory days on video, try it with a sick projector set from DB Power.

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For more, check out 5 Horrible Life Lessons Learned from Teen Movies and 6 Ways Society Is Designed To Screw Teenagers Every Day.

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