Get Drunk and Monitor Your Ex's Social Media Accounts
As with any attempt to move on from anything, there will eventually come a time when you slide backwards, and in the world of the breakup, this too has a technological component. One night you're gonna start missing the hell out of your ex. You're gonna look at old photos, you're gonna think back on old times, you're gonna bury your nose in that one pair of panties that you jammed into your pocket as you were moving out of her apartment.
Inhaling deeply until you pass out? No? Just me?
And then, of course, you will wind up on her Facebook page. And here's what's fucked up: even though you know that you have been manipulating your own Facebook page to portray the idea that you are now living a great life and meeting tons of hot chicks, and thus instinctively know that she must be doing the same, you'll still fall for it and become sad and enraged. When I finally gave in on a lonesome night and scoured my ex-girlfriend's Facebook page, I completely spiraled. I started searching for every guy who had his arm around her in these pictures. I started looking at her friends' pages for other evidence of her being a filthy whore.
Thomas Northcut/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Or just a normal, well-adjusted woman moving on like she's supposed to do.
I compared the smiles I was seeing on her face in these pictures to the smiles on her face in pictures she had taken with me, trying to weigh how legitimate they were. It was bad. Very bad and very sad. Eventually, I got on Tinder and hit search, got zero matches, contemplated texting back one of the prostitutes from earlier, talked myself out of it, then contemplated doing it again, talked myself out it, and then ultimately turned my phone off, climbed onto my air mattress, and watched Anthony Bourdain eat an omelette in Kenya as I fell asleep. But, sure enough, the next morning I woke up, logged onto my Facebook page, and posted, "Epic party last night! Huge thanks to the L.A. Lakers Cheerleaders for having me over!"
The battle rages on, one sad, desperate click at a time.
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For more from Mo, check out The 5 Defining Characteristics of a Great Place to Get Drunk. And also check out 6 Factors That Secretly Influence Who You Have Sex With.
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