Let's say you're a doctor, running through the city in a mad dash because a series of increasingly unlikely events has crashed all other means of transportation, and you need to deliver this liver to the hospital before little Timmy dies on the operating table, dammit! Racing against time, you buy yourself precious seconds by running up an escalator. Of course, this is easier said than done: no one has ever managed to walk the length of an escalator without bumping into some assbutt who has somehow remained oblivious to the whole "walking side/standing side" concept.
The inevitable human garbage blocking the stairs turns out to be a particularly obnoxious-looking businessman. The dude is the concept of assholishness personified: enamored with his brand-new Vladimir Putin iPhone, and determined to make sure that everyone will damn well see it, he's standing in the middle of the step, wielding his gadget in that weird, cartoonishly buff melons-under-armpits pose some people adapt to maximize the space they're occupying and thus taking from actual humans. In his head, he's this:
Sylphe_7/iStock/Getty Images
"I shall conquer this escalator with you, iSword!"
462 Comments