The inevitable human garbage blocking the stairs turns out to be a particularly obnoxious-looking businessman. The dude is the concept of assholishness personified: enamored with his brand-new Vladimir Putin iPhone, and determined to make sure that everyone will damn well see it, he's standing in the middle of the step, wielding his gadget in that weird, cartoonishly buff melons-under-armpits pose some people adapt to maximize the space they're occupying and thus taking from actual humans. In his head, he's this:
"I shall conquer this escalator with you, iSword!"
While, from your busy, rapidly approaching viewpoint, he's this:
Karen Gentry/iStock/Getty Images
So you do what anyone would do in your position. "Move, you unholy turdwaffle," you bark, as you forcefully shoulder him aside and continue your journey. The onlookers are greeted with the sight of the gilded face of Vladimir Putin flying through the air, hitting the space between the escalators just right, skidding into the abyss below.
A twist: that escalator is the world, and you two just demonstrated how hard it is to respect your fellow man.
Sure, you feel you were in the right, there. You were busy, so you showed a yuppie dick-turd how the world rolls. Hell, it probably took all the restraint of the other passengers to not burst into spontaneous applause. But what if he wasn't a dick at all? What if he was just some guy who wore the suit only because he's fresh off his first job interview in ages and got a little carried away checking out the cool new phone he was going to give as a birthday gift to his leukemia-ridden sister (she collects weird phones, don't discriminate)? And then, suddenly, some creepy little hemorrhoid farmer (that's you!) starts screaming insults at him and attacks him from behind. The phone falls, and with it, the joy from his sister's life forever. From his point of view, you were the monster all along.
"Well, this is awkward."