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Dead Wife Dolls

I can almost hear someone making an argument that what I'm about to tell you is not abject terror incarnate, and is instead sweet in a totally-not-psychologically-damaged sort of way. I know this because I have met people who think snails are adorable and that olives taste good. I get it. People like terrible things, everyone is entitled to an opinion. But I'm not wrong here. This is straight-up creepy.

I've tried to grow as a person over the years, and not judge others who don't view the world the same as me. It's a process. And apparently I haven't hit the phase of that process where I understand the person who has a sex robot designed to look like their dead wife. And for the life of me, I cannot understand what the creator of the robot means when he says, "Maybe 50 per cent [of customers] are people who want a custom robot for family members." Is he saying that half of their customers are buying sex robots as gifts for their family? Is he saying they want sex robots that look like a family member? What the fuck?

The dead wife doll is presented as something that would help the grieving process. Look, I'm no psychologist, but I have watched half an episode of Dr. Phil, so I feel confident in suggesting that you cannot and should not work out your grief by fucking their rubber doppelganger. Because that is goddamn insane. And when I use the word "insane" there, I don't mean it in the "bizarre" sense. I mean that Hannibal Lecter would raise his hands in a nonthreatening manner and back the fuck out of your room if he saw it.

1

Bobblehead Dildos

In any sexual situation, no matter what your kink, I would hope that your enjoyment signifies success. If you like being degraded, or you're into the odd flogging, or you like a good bacon grease burn on the asshole, whatever goes with it, you need to feel like it was pleasurable in the end (or front, or whatever). If that's not accomplished, then sex was ruined.

But that being said, you should never insert someone's tiny head into your fun hole. I will concede that this is probably a great idea to someone. Some one. But the Wobbling Willy dido is a device with a small silicone head molded to a terrifying doll caricature with any face you want right at the base. Their little mug will get buried in your folds like Artax sinking into the Swamp of Sadness. In general, humping a bobblehead is maybe a bit left of center, but no big deal overall. There are worse hobbies, like watching that show Bull. But it's the transition to "the bobbly head of someone I know" that makes it weird.

On their site, I started the process of ordering one to see how it works, and immediately uploaded a photo of Ted Cruz. Fuck me, this lawless land of dildo chaos allows you to make a Cruz schlong! Ted Cruz looks like if boredom and the sound of sleep screams had a baby with a shitty haircut and a smug demeanor. Do you want that shit plunging near your murky grotto? Fuck no, you don't. I mean, I know you'd never order that, but now you know someone could.

For the sake of my sanity, I didn't finish the order, but I still have a nagging fear that something accidentally went through and that shit's in the mail right now. If so, I'm going to slightly burn the side of it and send it to someone in the mail with no return address included, because that's hilarious and awful. And it also happens to be the only legitimate way I could think of using this thing.

You have to be a little crazy if you want to stay ahead of the game in the sex toy industry. There are only so many innovative ways a person can get off with a foreign object, and we've probably designed all the good ones already. But that doesn't give anyone the right to decide it's time to make new dank sex toys forged from silicone nightmare fuel that will appeal to the kind of person who stares openly at an eclipse, at the cost of making the rest of us now imagine a Ted Cruz dildo.

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