And it's not just their knowledge of mechanics that's impressive. The creativity they display when fixing or adapting one of the machines so it pounds genitals better is downright inspiring. They customize their rides with such regularity that I'm curious why our country keeps complaining about a shortage of female engineers.

Oh, did you think the apple corer was an exaggeration? Bless your heart.

Not a single one of them is an off-the-shelf masturbator. They all put a lot of man hours into tricking out a machine they can never, ever show off. But easily the most surprising takeaway from these reviews is the staggering amount of care owners put into their sex toy before each individual use. Their patience threshold is enviable. I don't want to speak for everyone reading this, but spending an hour greasing pistons and tightening bolts when you're ready to have sex right now sounds infinitely more frustrating than just finding a willing human to slap against.

I have never planned anything as far in advance as these people have planned to hump an electric dildo saw. It seems like there should be some sort of rule that masturbation aids never require you to pour in more maintenance than an actual relationship.

It's so important to that guy that you know he used this tool for cleaning grout that he says it four times in one paragraph. But the sex toy enthusiasts hate being ignored. They've started penning subtly erotic reviews in the hopes of tricking some simple handyman into agreeing that it was helpful.

And then there are some reviews that have passed so far through the ceiling-mounted looking glass that their tone is impossible to discern. Either they are comedic geniuses, or they are suffering from sitcom levels of obliviousness.

For a group of people who have no problem hiking up their metaphorical skirts and exposing all of their deepest crotch secrets to Internet strangers, they sure are bashful about divulging their relationship status. This is not a hobby group that likes to be tied down (figuratively). They steer clear of labels like "boyfriend" or "wife" and opt instead for weird, clunky names for the person who presumably stands in the room watching their significant other pounded senseless by a steel robot.

After reading so many of these, even "partner" sounds strangely intimate. I like to imagine the person writing that review agonized for half an hour on whether "sexual associate" wouldn't be more accurate. And for some sex machine enthusiasts, putting any label at all on the condition of the relationship is unthinkable. Instead, they just leave the noun out completely like it was all just too much work to think about. This happens with such regularity it's hard to believe it's a mistake.

It all feels like a secret language only they speak and no one ever acknowledges it out loud, because, let's be honest, no one outside the community spends 12 hours reading sex machine reviews hunting for patterns. It seems more likely that they've been waiting for me all this time, burying clues for me to find like some sort of lascivious Moriarty. It would certainly explain why they all spell "heed" as "head" with absolutely no indication they realize their own sexual pun.