Even if you're just an easygoing hornball dude who's cool with everything, if your girlfriend mentions she got off earlier, your first reaction is probably going to be, "Why the hell did I get benched for that game?" Because, at some point in a relationship, we take ownership of that other person's orgasms. Those orgasms are our orgasms, and we want to be there when they show up. It's not right, no one owes you an orgasm, but you're still likely going to think that way. You could be banging the whole neighborhood at the annual Yom Kippur orgy, but your partner will still want to be in the room to witness it because that's what conscious coupling is all about -- watching each other extrude fluids while smiling blissfully. An unseen orgasm is like Bigfoot. It's mysterious and makes us feel weird. Most of us don't even want to entertain the idea that's it's real, because that's silly.

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"Why are the sheets wet? Did the cat pee in the bed again? But wait; we don't have a cat ...
or do we?"

You should broach this subject early in a relationship. Mention that sometimes, in the shower, or while watching Golden Girls, you like to rub one out. Or four, one for each Golden oldie. That last one is for Bea Arthur, because it's the hardest but most rewarding. It in no way reflects on your attraction to the other person or your desire to ride them like a show pony; it's just that sometimes you're sitting there, you're kind of bored, and next thing you know you're whacking like a coked-out monkey. It's nothing personal.

Once you're both on the same page with this, you should be fine. But you need to get there first. Don't ask why; it's just the way we understand the commerce of orgasms in a relationship.

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"So, thanks to contributors from across the spectrum, gross revenue is way up. If you know what I mean."

As an addendum: If your partner reacts negatively, possibly even forbidding you from masturbating, there's an old saying I learned that can help your partner get some perspective and maybe see things your way. It's, "Fuck you." Say that to anyone who tells you what you can and can't do with your own body, no matter who they are or who you are. If there's one damn thing you have a right to fiddle with in this life, it's yourself. Don't ever tolerate anyone telling you differently.

Why do you care how your paper is hung? It's just a habit. It's almost an OCD sort of thing, just a quirk that you've grown used to and are protective over, and when someone comes in and does it differently, your panties immediately get into a bunch. And no matter what you say, it won't matter, because they're going to hang it their way whenever they get the chance.

You'll never convince an assless soaper that what you're doing is in any way proper and, in fact, you'll convince them to not use that soap again. And that's fucking rude. Because I don't know how close you are with your significant other, but when I'm comfortable enough to live with someone, I put my mouth all up on their ne-ne and assorted other bits, bobs, and ballast tanks. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm in there like a Syrian refugee trying to find safe passage to the promised land, and I'll wade through anything to get it. So when you decide my soap, which is by default clean, is somehow gross just because it was in and around my ass a few times, I'm offended.

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My soap is clean, unlike your filthy biases.

Under the right conditions, a mouth and an ass are both exceptional and fun. If you spritz them both and make sure they're mostly hygienic, I'll totally play with them, provided we're at that point in our friendship. But just as you demand clean butt, so too must you demand clean mouth. This is generally accepted, right? You don't want to make out with someone who doesn't brush their teeth and has some kind of tuna and ball breath. You want that person to brush their teeth just like you too would brush your teeth in anticipation of tongue sports. I hope we're all on the same page here.

Would you ever use someone else's toilet paper after them? No. No you goddamn well would not. So why does anyone, anywhere, use someone else's toothbrush? The toothbrush is the Mirror Universe version of toilet paper. You stick it in your dirty hole and mush it around to remove stank and sludge. That's exactly what you do with toilet paper in your butt. All up in your dirty butt!

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"For now."

Sharing toothbrushes is, for lack of a better term, an abomination. However, there's a chance you're going to one day come across a person who feels they're OK with sharing toothbrushes, and they'll use the bullshit reason that you kiss each other/lick each other/tongue spelunk each other as justification. Which, as I have just shown, is fallacious! You do those things only when the holes are clean, man! Otherwise it's offensive and terrible.

And lest you try to wield my own logic against me with my soap example by saying the toothbrush is the thing that makes your mouth clean, so it's safe to use: First, stop trying to be clever. And second, have you ever looked at the average toothbrush? With the crusty dried toothpaste bits in the bristles, down the handle, all that? The toothbrush does not equal mouth soap. That's toothpaste, friend. The toothbrush is the equivalent of a washcloth you put in your ass. And sure, you could, but it's going to be put away with a soapy shit smear on it, and don't try to pretend otherwise.

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"This never has and never will touch my mouth, because I'm not history's greatest monster."

Confirm with your special friend if necessary that there should never be occasion for either of you to use the other's toothbrush. You can buy a new one for like a buck. Dentists just give them away; there's not a lot of good reason to not have your own.

Sometimes relationships are about the direction of the toilet paper. Sometimes they are just about getting away from each other completely. See how to save your relationship in The 5 Least Romantic Keys To A Happy Relationship, and find out what not to do in 7 Psychotic Pieces Of Relationship Advice From Cosmo.

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