A day before the HPOA/HOPA hoax, JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater lost his shit at a difficult customer, said goodbye over the plane's PA system and exited the plane on an emergency slide. The plane had already landed, or it would have been more badass.

"I have the weirdest feeling like I've forgotten something."

People everywhere adopted him as a folk hero. They ignored the fact that releasing the safety slide was dangerous and kind of inconvenient to all the other passengers who weren't being assholes and cost the company tens of thousands of dollars, and the fact that he apparently had a substance abuse problem, and was suffering from depression.

Because that gets in the way of what we need this story for, and what we need all stories of this type for. We can't make a hero out of a guy who was making poor decisions because he was having trouble coping with his dad dying and his mother getting cancer and was drinking to deal with it. We wanted a quipping action-movie hero who made a clever bon mot over the loudspeaker and slid offscreen with a smirk on his face and a beer in his hand while the huffy passenger (probably a fat woman) watched in shock and the rest of the passengers applauded with a slow clap.

Via Infrogmation of New Orleans

Every urban legend needs a slow clap.

Because work can be a bitch in the best of times, and in these shitty times, more of us than ever are stuck in jobs we want to get out of in some kind of clever, movie-like way, but can't, because the only other choice is no job at all. Believing someone else did it is the next best thing. That or making up your own fake story and posting it on a forum.

So why can't anyone see through these things? Because we don't want to. For the same reason people watch Jersey Shore or Real Housewives or follow the gossip about the latest drunk starlet (or football star) -- we need someone who is worse than us; who is more spoiled and entitled than we could ever be. That way, our minor little foibles of cutting in line or whining about a game on our favorite platform costing $59.99 instead of $49.99 or insisting that you "deserve" free downloaded music seem quite reasonable.

Sure, those behaviors sound kind of whiny when you put it that way, but when you compare it to "wrong color Saab girl," you're practically a saint!

According to some witnesses, the kids were yelling, "We live in America!" during the brunch break. The school had already seen trouble on Cinco de Mayo the year before and had actually asked students ahead of time to not wear flag clothes this year.

OK, you might think, those kids weren't innocent flag wearers who just happened to want to show American patriotism on that day by coincidence, but it's not illegal! It sure isn't! Not only did the kids never face any legal jeopardy, but the school board immediately overturned the principal's decision, so even the school discipline was reversed. So they weren't patriotic kids minding their own business who paid the price, they were jackholes who didn't end up facing any consequences. So don't worry! It is still A-OK to stir shit up and offend people in this country and play innocent. Hopefully people will think less of you, but you won't go to jail!

First Amendment. Love it or leave it.

While the mainstream news mostly deals in overblowing threats to our national identity and freedoms, email forwards and internet urban legends are free to just make up completely fake threats. One of the most treasured classics is the old "FCC Planning To Ban Religious Broadcasting" email forward.

When I first got this forward back in 1996 or something, I was pretty sure it was fake because the woman behind this ban was the obviously fake and badly spelled "Madalyn Murray O'Hair," but it turns out that's the most real thing about the story. Back when this story was invented, which was actually in the 70s, she was actually a notorious atheist activist and a great name to attach to this kind of story for an extra scare.

Via Alan Light

A truly terrifying figure.

O'Hair has been dead for at least 10 years and not only does that make it difficult for her to be the driving force behind an FCC ban on religious broadcasting, but there was never a ban proposed by anyone to begin with. "Petition 2493," that official sounding case number that makes the email sound so authentic, was a 1974 petition to stop religious institutions from using channels set aside for education, that's it, and even that was turned down in 1975. Despite all that, the story keeps evolving, albeit really slowly, as stories circulated by mostly old people will do, and over the years has worked in Touched By An Angel (they were going to ban it) and the election of Barack Obama (apparently they finally found a replacement to play the part of O'Hair after 34 years).

Facts be damned, though, people keep circulating it, because they know our freedoms are under attack and our government is a bunch of namby pamby concessionists always taking the side of People Who Aren't Like Us. If we tell our own personal anecdotes about why this is true, like how outraged we are that they are selling taco shells in the supermarket, our stories sound a little lame and petty. That's why we're happy to swallow someone else's extreme, outrageous stories to better justify our sense of persecution, even if they are only minimally plausible.

fill tampons with asbestos to cause women to bleed more, so that, you know, they'll buy more product. My mom actually forwarded me that exact email. Thanks, Mom!

So why the fuck do so many women love repeating stories about how everybody is out to rape them and give them cancer? Well, like all crazy beliefs, it starts with a grain of truth. Women do have a few reasons to be more worried about attacks than men. They're physically weaker on average, and have more to worry about in a one-on-one attack. Most victims of rape are women. Women's purses are easy snatch-and-grab robbery targets. (Here's hoping the man-purse keeps making inroads.)

Via Lainey Gossip

Hey, if Tom Brady can do it ...

So a whole bunch of advice and support has sprung up to help women be smart and keep safe -- advice that started out as reasonable, practical tips, like, "Try to avoid walking alone when possible," and "Keep alert to your surroundings." Then they started getting more aggressive, with special women's self-defense classes and suggestions to carry pepper spray or a gun, and then just spiraled into paranoia, with

classes that teach you what hairstyle a rapist is most likely to go for, and electrified doorbells.

Via The Joker Wiki

Are these supposed to be rapists or Batman villains?

Most stories people tell to get attention get scrutinized a bit, at least enough that laughably fake ones won't work. But if the story isn't a self-aggrandizing tale but told out of "concern" to "help your fellow women," people's defenses go down. You don't use the same critical eye you use on a story, because it's not a "story," it's a "helpful tip."

Maybe none of these types of stories push your buttons, but everybody's got a weak spot. If you ever run into a news story that gets you physically excited, make sure to take a step back and ask why you want it to be true so bad, and see if it's clouding your judgment. And then clean yourself up.

For more on ridiculous self-defense, check out The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. And get more from Christina in The 5 Biggest Mistakes Women (Like Me!) Make On The Internet.