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The Enemy Of My Enemy

You may have recently seen a certain video of a certain Nazi getting punched in a certain face. It's wildly popular, and has already been recut about a million times with hilarious songs and graphics so we can all watch and rewatch said Nazi getting punched. Now, before we begin, if you feel the need to tell me that he's not actually a Nazi, please shut down whatever device you're reading this on and go fuck a pumpkin.

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Hotness

It's super hard not to judge someone based on looks. Sure, get to know someone and they might turn out to be the best person ever, even if they have a Piers Morgan Kuato. But at first glance, you're not letting an uggo get away with butting in line ahead of you or accidentally licking your armpit. A beautiful person, however, can nearly get away with murder.

Sometime after Chris Brown used his fists to communicate his stunted mental development to Rihanna, Twitter erupted with a veritable glitter bomb of vitriol for the tattooed twat. But it wasn't all grim tidings. A crazy abundance of lady-folk were quick to send messages to Brown about how he was so hot that they'd let him beat them, too. Doesn't that send a shiver through your crack? It should. And of course, men will let a beautiful women use them as a doormat -- literally, if necessary -- simply due to the hazy idea they have that she might show them a boob. Look at Casey Anthony, if you dare.

Orange County Jail

She was on trial for murder, and countless websites opted to put together articles on the hottest murderers to commemorate her. If that doesn't scream class, nothing does. Class is wordless bellowing into the abyss, in this case.

This isn't just smoke I'm vaping into your butthole, either. Studies have shown that pretty people have it easier in life. You might try to argue that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but that saying was probably thought up by a stump-legged lumberjack with odor issues. In fact, beauty is in many cases very objective. People who have symmetrical and well-proportioned features and figures are generally considered attractive by everyone. Doesn't mean you don't think the south side of a pig is attractive too; it just means that for the most part, we can all acknowledge the beauty of certain people. And some of those sexy bastards are downright unscrupulous as a result, because they learned fast that being pretty has advantages. Pretty girls get drinks at bars all the time, regardless of whether they even show interest in a guy. All the attractive guys I knew growing up were up to their eyeballs in ass, and a lot of them treated girls like shit. Lucky for me, I look like a night terror fucked Winnie the Pooh, so I never had that personality problem.

Disney

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Fame

This is an extension of the beauty principle, but vastly more insidious, because even the hideously wretched or (to use PC language) the non-traditionally viewable benefit from this. For examples, please see Woody Allen, Roman Polanski, Victor Salva, Mark Wahlberg, R. Kelly, and we're currently right in the middle of the softening of hearts toward the racist partial Yeti Mel Gibson. All of those people have done things that most people would find reprehensible in most circumstances, but because they're famous, we let them keep making movies and music and whatever it is Lindsay Lohan does these days.

ABC News

A celebrity can literally murder someone, and there will still be a base of people who just don't care. Right now, Bill Cosby still has a support base. Roman Polanski still has people giving him awards and accolades. They let O.J. Simpson write a book called If I Did It. When you're famous, no one gives a shit how awful you are, because that's how much some people worship celebrities. That's why Scientology is still a thing still: The cult of celebrity is so strong that it actually makes you join cults ... I mean legitimate religions. It makes you join a legitimate religion.

To fully appreciate the power of celebrity over dickishness, you need look no further than Shia LaBeouf. Shia started his crimes against humanity with a trio of Transformers movies, and only got worse from there. He ripped off some rappers during a freestyle competition, tried to get into a fight outside a strip club, tried to steal a Big Mac from a hobo, pissed on a restaurant, headbutted a dude, released a short film that he mostly plagiarized and then apologized with plagiarized apologies, and attacked a neighbor with a knife. Amongst other things. But in January 2017, he got into a shouting/shoving match with a guy egging him on with Nazi slogans and was arrested. And then came the outpouring of support. Twitter gave us the #FreeShia hashtag. People were treating him like Nelson Mandela.

Twitter

Now, the astute amongst you might question why I support attacking a Nazi in a previous example, but not in this one. Isn't that hypocritical? No. First, I still support giving shit to Nazis. But Shia LaBeouf is not Batman. He's not the dark vigilante saving us from the fiends in shadows. He's an asshole who got in a fight with another asshole. That's two assholes. That's Asshole Squared, morphing into an asshole Mobius strip where no matter what path you travel, you'll always find asshole. But in this case, LaBeouf wins out because he's famous. He's beyond that anonymous stranger who punched Spencer because we know nothing about that guy. He's a blank slate, just a hero to most people. But if we found out he'd made Michael Bay movies, we'd probably be rightly disgusted. Or we should be.

If you're the type of person who can't help it, but people just get to you, we'd like to recommend The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck by Sarah Knight.

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